The way of the wise

Intelligence is a God given gift that not everyone is endowed with. And since you folks actually read this blog, it naturally follows that you must be atheists.

This post is not about the merits (logical and irrefutable) or the demerits (you will burn in hell) of being an atheist because that’s a whole different topic. Instead, today I shall talk about what differentiates a less gifted person from the intelligent ones (also known as - everyone else but you) and more importantly how to cover it up.

Intelligence is not about how much you know but it is about how well you can pretend to know. The so called great minds of computer science like Dennis Ritchie, James Gosling, Richard Stallman and others have just about as much intelligence as you and me but they have made themselves look a lot smarter. Their secret is, yes, you guessed it right…facial hair. Apparently, one of the basic criteria of presenting yourself as a genius is by not shaving.

“This works out fine but what should women do?” I hear you say. Good point but same answer. Heh, heh, women readers, I am just kidding, alright. Women don’t need such gimmicks to project their brilliance.

(Phew!!….that was close)

The second factor is that you need to pretend to be really good at Mathematics. For example, here is a mathematical way of finding out the time when somebody asks you. This is a really obscure equation that will help you calculate the exact time of day. The equation is



Where ‘x’ is the latitude of the place you are in, ‘y’ is the longitude and 'theta' is the angle made by your shadow and the 90 degree vertical. You then deduce the time from this. I am sure mathematicians will crib that the equation is a meaningless pile of crap. But we don’t have to give a hoot. Mathematicians can go divide themselves by zero, for all we care.

Of course for the equation to work, you would need to quickly take a peek at your watch when the other person is not looking.

Finally, make sure that you can come up with complex scientific explanations to simple queries. The idea is to intimidate ordinary people into believing that you are supremely gifted and they have brains the size of walnuts.

Friend: “The weather looks cloudy today, isn't it unusual for this time of the year ?”

You: “Oh yes, the cumulus cloud formation is directly due to the influence of a low pressure closed chaotic system generated by the pacific warm currents. The el nino effect is also a factor, not to mention adiabatic effects of troposphere under varying temperatures”

Friend: “You have no freaking clue, do you ?”

You: “Get out”

By using these three devious ways of presentation, you can effectively convince anyone that you deserve the next Nobel prize.

So when do I get mine ?

An Ode to recession

“Oh master, I have traveled from afar,
All for a moment of audience with you
Life has been tough and I am losing hope
I seek your wisdom to help me through”

“What ails you, my son?” asked the master.
“Why do you despair so ?
I sense grief in your heart
And on your visage, it does show”

And thus lamented the devotee
“What used to cost one rupee now costs five
Inflation is at an all time high
Now I walk everywhere, I cannot afford to drive”

“The stock market swings like a mad monkey
Wiping out all profits and bringing only pain
And no matter when and what I invest in,
All my money goes down the drain”

“Buy your own house the banks said,
We shall give you all the money as a loan
The interest rates have hit the roof
And all I do now is groan”

“Oh wise one, help me find a way out
A way out of this intricate maze
What can I do to make my life better
To get over this horrible phase

Answered the master in a voice serene “Get rid of your credit cards,
Don’t fall for telemarketing calls
Don’t buy stuff you don’t need
And stop splurging in malls”

And at that moment, the devotee was enlightened
“I shall follow what you said, thus I hereby pledge”
He then asked the master
“Where from did you gain this knowledge ?”

Replied the master “I am no wise man, I am a victim of recession too
The long beard is because I don’t have money to shave
I could not meet my mortgage payments
And so I live in this cave”

Automobile Agony

Towards the end of last week, the unthinkable happened. Oh no, no, I am not talking about Rahul Dravid finally getting a hundred before the spectators died of old age. The issue was a lot less exciting than that. I was about to leave for work when my car refused to start. Nothing worked inspite of me trying over and over again. Well, being an experienced IT professional, I applied the standard troubleshooting techniques. I took a break and had a cup of coffee.

Surprisingly, that did nothing. Apparently, automobiles don’t work the same way as softwares do.

So, I let my natural instinct that has evolved over millions of years to take over. You see, we men are born with an innate ability of understanding complex mechanics of machinery. I opened the hood of the car and peered inside and it immediately struck me what the problem was !!

That I was a pristine idiot when it came to automobiles. It was clear that my instincts had not evolved enough. I was looking at this lump of metal pipes with the same expression on my face that I had when I saw my 10th grade maths question paper or for that matter, my 9th or 8th or 7th…well, you get the idea.

But thankfully, my lack of automobile knowledge (and maths) has been duly compensated by my skill to give up easily. This way, I don’t waste too much time in trying to do things I don’t have a clue about (here again is proof that my male instincts need more work). I closed the hood and called the service guy.

The mechanic said he could only make it on the weekend. So I had to manage the next two days without my car.

So I was forced to borrow my uncle’s car. This was kind of scary because his was a brand new car with no scratches yet and I did not want to be the one to scar it. I was extra careful when driving it and made sure that I never went beyond 50 km/h, giving a chance to all the drivers to yell at me and make rude gestures when they passed me by (I wish when they close their car door, they slam it on their fingers).

But the worst part of the whole thing was that there was no radio in the car which meant that, yep that’s right, * I * had to sing the whole time !!. And unlike a radio, I could not even switch stations to shut me up and ended up enduring my singing all through.

Two days passed by, it was Saturday and the mechanic came over. The problem was with the car battery which had conked out and had to be replaced.

So finally, I have my car back, it feels great to have the freedom to drive the way I want, to have the liberty to scratch or dent or bang up my car. I can speed up whenever I want to

But most importantly, I can now turn on the radio…

Don't curse your job, it could be worse

Ever woke up in the morning thinking “Damn, not another day doing the same old job"? Every one of us has felt at some point that what we do was the worst job in the world. That is a gross exaggeration unless...unless you are a specialist in curing piles and fistula. I saw this hoarding advertising a doctor who had expertise in this specific area of ailments, actually I have seen such hoardings many a time but this time it got me thinking since I was in an especially bad mood cursing my job.

How bad could my job be compared to his ?. Well, think about it...this guy starts off his morning looking at the business end of the human anatomy and that too, one which is not even keeping good health (Note that I have tastefully refrained from using the idiom ‘pink of health’). How much worse can it get from there !!! . His best day is when a patient just sits there and he can get to have a good look at the patient's face. An experienced doctor in this field would have learnt to recognize people not by their faces…if you catch my drift…

"Hi Doctor, It's good to see you after a long time, I was treated by you once"

"Oh, really ?...hmm...could you turn around please ?......Ah, Hello Mr. Das !!"


And there is not much these people can talk about when they get back home from work. When the wife asks "Hi honey, how was your day", what's he gonna say...??. Dinner time is especially a bad time for questions like these. I suspect a lot of these doctors are never overweight.

And don’t even get me started on pathology.

So the next time you start cursing about how bad your job is, you would do well to remember that you are probably much better off than a lot of others. But if you are a doctor feeling offended at this post, I should hasten to add that at least you are not a politician who, by the way, is always in the pink of his health…

If that does not satisfy you, I offer my apologies standing up...ok, now it’s time to sit down...ouch !!

Parody is always fun

Sherlock Holmes looked at Watson; he had that glow on his face that suggested that he had figured out the answer to Watson’s challenge. Watson had got married for the second time and he had placed a bunch of photographs in front of Holmes defying Holmes to identify the person he had married.

Holmes ruffled through the photos and finally picked one and handed it over to Watson.

“There you go, she is the one” he said

“My God, Holmes, that’s amazing !!…how did you even figure it out” Watson exclaimed.

“Elementary my dear Watson, when you have eliminated all possibilities then whatever remains, however ugly…..must be your wife”

Watson whacked Holmes with the nearest table stand.

“For a guy who is no Tom Cruise, you have the nerve to say what you did” Watson said angrily

“Who the hell is Tom Cruise ??. This is 1902. He won’t even be born for another sixty years. What are you talking about”

“Oops, my bad. But still, you have no business making derogatory comments about my wife when you yourself look like a cross between a lamp post and a fish hook”

Their fight was interrupted by Mrs. Hudson “Sir, there is a young lady who wishes to consult you immediately. She says it is a matter of grave concern”

“Please show her into the living room Mrs. Hudson but before you go, could you get Watson off my neck ?”

Watson relented and loosened his grip on Holmes.

“Well, I am sorry if I offended you John, but pray stay with me. I may require your assistance on this case. Let’s go see what the lady has to say”

Both of them walked into the living room to find an elegantly dressed young woman in the way that young women would dress in 1902, whatever that means. She seemed to be in her mid twenties and had a frightened look on her face. She rose to her feet on seeing the two men enter the room.

“Hello Mr. Holmes, my name is Victoria Brown. And since this blog writer has no clue about London or England, I can’t tell you where I live”

“Fair enough. I see you are in discomfort as you walk towards us. My powers of deduction tell me that you had a nasty sprain in your ankle possibly when playing a sport and I would guess tennis “ Holmes said confidently. He noticed the admiring look on Watson’s face, a look that he always enjoyed seeing.

“Well not really, I stepped on dog poop on the pavement on my way in.”

“Aha !!, precisely…the foul smell tells me it must be the damn poodle next door. ” said Holmes trying to save face.

“I believe that’s just you Holmes” Watson leaned forward and whispered softly “You really should change your socks more often you know”

“And maybe you should get a stronger mouthwash” Holmes snapped back.

He then turned to the young woman
“So what is that you wish to see me about Ms. Brown ?”

“Well, Mr. Holmes, I have this strange problem. I moved into my new house last week. And every few hours I hear this extremely shrill noise. I have tried to figure out what it is but haven’t been able to do so. I have never had a good night’s sleep since I moved in. I need your help Mr. Holmes”

“Most interesting. I would be glad to help” said Holmes as he began to contemplate on the mystery. After a few moments, he replied “I could donate a wad of cotton to stuff into your ears, Ms. Brown”

“I think she means that she would like you to investigate the source of the sound, Holmes” Watson said

“But of course. Tell me Ms. Brown, does this noise occur at the around the same hours everyday”

“Yes”

“And can you please describe the neighborhood”

“It is quite a busy neighborhood Mr. Holmes. There is a market right across the street, a library at one end and a church at the other and there is also a railway station a few blocks away”

“That’s it !!, mystery solved. What you have been hearing are train whistles Ms. Brown. It looks like you are amazingly dumb. And that will be 50 pounds, thank you”

After the woman had left, Watson turned to Holmes and said “This is the crappiest case that I have ever been a part of”

“Maybe but it takes care of this month’s rent. Well, anyway come on Watson, let’s go to the pub down the street. I will buy you beer”

“Thanks Holmes”

“Get the photograph of your wife as well. I will take another look after I am drunk. Hopefully, she will look better then” said Holmes.

Watson reached out to grab the golf stick lying in the corner. But Holmes was already out of the door….


[Post Script: Due apologies to Arthur Conan Doyle and to all Sherlock Holmes fans, I am one too. Hey, it’s Monday, cut me some slack here…..]

Managing Stress

Stress is a four letter word that makes your brain go all wonky like, for example, it hampers your ability to count the number of letters in a word. And in this modern world of constant pressure, stress can be a serious problem.

Being a well informed and extremely well read professional, I shall, in this post, counsel you on how to handle stress. By the way, did I mention that stress can also make one delusional ?

The simplest and the most effective stress buster is to pick up a hockey stick and go pummel the people who get on your nerves like the income tax guys, stock analysts and Navjot Singh Siddhu. But unfortunately, the law does not permit us this pleasure, although I suspect that it would make an exception on Siddhu.

So let’s turn to more traditional methods of stress management. There are a few simple rules to manage stress which I shall elaborate below

Rule 1: Share it

Stress, unlike money, is a lot more fun when you spread it around. Always look out for people who you can share your stress with. This will not bring down your stress levels but it ensures that others feel just as miserable as you do.

“Hey, the boss is mad at you for not finishing your module yesterday”
“What the !!, didn’t we have an agreement that you would complete my module since I covered for your absence in the afternoon the day before”
“ Oh yeah !!, now I remember…. Ooops”


Rule 2: Pick up a habit

It is a well proven fact that alcohol and cigarettes go a long way in reducing stress. Of course, people will tell you that drinking and smoking is also going to reduce the number of years of your life. Seriously, is this really an issue ?, think about it, the years that you are going to loose are the years from your old age. When you are 85 wearing an adult diaper and with no bladder control, do you think “Thank God, I did not smoke or drink otherwise I may have croaked at 60 and not have lived to see this wonderful day where I can wet myself and not remember it”.
Have I convinced you that beating stress now is better than living longer ?. So go ahead and pick up a few bad habits now and get rid of old age before it is too late.

Rule 3: Have a diversion

Rule number 2 is mostly useful at the end of the day. At other times, it may not always be appreciated. For example, when stressed out in the middle of the day during work, going out for a vodka shot is probably not a good idea. So have a quick-fix diversion activity something like, I don’t know…say…blogging. Be sure to vent out all your personal and professional frustrations in the blog and also be sure to use a pseudonym, just in case you vent out your frustrations against your friends (“Rascals, never bother to call me up”) or your colleagues (“I do all their work”) or your spouse (“Biggest mistake of my life”). Feels good, doesn’t it ??

So there, if you follow the rules above, I guarantee you that all your stress will be gone and you can go back to being the casual, carefree person you used to be.

Because now you will have no friends, no job and your spouse would have thrown you out.

The Art of Romance

She had seen him stealing glances at her for many days now. Those coy smiles that he would throw at her every time their eyes met sent her heart racing. And on Valentine’s, she finally walked up to him and said “Open out your heart to me, as you look into my eyes, tell me what you see”. He replied “Well, that’s a pretty bad case of conjunctivitis you have there”. So she stabbed him with her hairpin.

Ok, I give up. I suck at writing romantic stories.

To be honest, it would have turned out pretty well had the lady not developed an eye infection at such a critical juncture. But it does prove one thing, before you make your romantic move, just make sure you don’t suffer from these little irritations like, you know, cough, cold, upset stomach…well, you get the idea.

Seriously think about it, have you ever heard of a girl going up to a guy and telling him “WOW, I was simply swept off my feet by the way you blew your nose”. Not gonna happen.

And in the whole of Romeo and Juliet do you ever read about Juliet developing a cough..?

“Romeo my Romeo, (cough) (cough) where art thou ?”,
“Dear Juliet, cough some more, you sound like a songbird with a sore throat”

See ?, it is just not done.

That’s why there are no successful romantic stories involving people with infections.

If you are still not convinced, let me point you to the most definitive guide for all romances…movies. Movies capture all possible scenarios that make romance possible. The nurse falls in love with a soldier with two bullets in his chest in the middle of a war or the hero goes bonkers over our lady who is suffering from amnesia. But there is no movie where, say, a doctor falls in love with his patient suffering from diarrhea.

So the next time, someone tells you that after they met you they feel weak in the knees, they can’t sleep well and they don’t feel hungry anymore, just remember that it may not be love, you probably passed on your flu.

Anyway, the point I am trying to make is no matter how beautiful or handsome you are, don’t even think of making a move when the viruses are loose.

And when you do make one, wear your sun glasses just in case…

Ask Aprameya

Sometimes my readers (both imaginary and real but mostly imaginary) send across questions that they are desperately looking for an answer to. Their questions range across a wide array of topics from office problems, to personal issues, to Paris Hilton’s latest exploits. But since this blog post has been certified PG 13, I refuse to entertain any questions on Paris Hilton. So let’s get started with the other questions right away

Q: Hi, I frequently find myself in boring office meetings which I feel are as interesting as watching a Karan Johar movie in slow motion. So how do I get out of such meetings ?

A: As a productive member of the corporate world, this is a question that is of utmost importance to you. Every so often you would be forced to attend important corporate wide meetings where you find that you don’t really have a clue what they are talking about. Instead, you feel that this time can be more productively spent like, for example, reading this blog. Ok, here are a few simple tips to get out of boring meetings.
         1. Never be the first to leave. It does not pay to draw attention to yourself. You would not want the head of the organization asking who the person who walked out was, do you ?
         2. Don’t wait for the room to be half empty. If the meeting reaches a stage where there are more empty chairs than people, then you will find yourself in a situation where you will personally feel responsible for listening to the speaker till the very end. This is a point of no return. If you reach this place, then good luck.
         3. A lot of scientific studies (conducted by people who write blogs) have concluded that the safest time to walk out of a meeting is after the first 5 percent of the people leave.

Q. Thanks for the tip, yesterday was my wife’s birthday so I had to go home early. I successfully used your technique to get out of a boring meeting. But apparently, it turns out that my wife’s birthday was last week. Do you have any suggestions on how to remember dates ?

A: I have seen many a problem due to men being such insensitive louts. Sorry my friend, I am bad at remembering dates too. But I have an idea to fix this. My solution is that first you pick a date, make sure it is one that you can remember, something like Jan 1st (a day when you will be sufficiently drunk to try a stunt like this). Now insist that your wife’s birthday, or for that matter anything else that you tend to forget, is on this day. She may try to deny it. But don’t take no for an answer. Use all your tact to convince her that you are right.

“Happy new year dear and happy birthday too”
“My birthday is in June, you jackass”
“That’s what you believe but I think I know better, I insist that your birthday is on the 1st of Jan. And while I am at it, happy marriage anniversary dear”

Q: Everyday I read about some new disaster in the newspapers. There is so much tragedy everywhere. There is only destruction and mayhem and possibilities of war....

A: Do you have a question in sight ?

Q. Well, how do I make money out of it ?

A: You sick capitalist pig....welcome to the club and buy some oil stocks.

Q. This is the wife of the husband who took your suggestion on dates. Do you know how to fix a broken nose ?

A: That’s a very good question. But unfortunately I am completely out of time as I have a meeting to attend.

A twist in the tale

He was smitten by her the moment he laid his eyes on her. She was the most exquisite thing that he had ever seen. He was trying to get her attention but she would not look his way. Was she playing hard to get or was she really not interested in him ?, he conspicuously kept moving around her, hoping to catch her eye.

His efforts finally seemed to pay off as he saw her reciprocating his interest. She came over to where he was and thus started a relationship that he hoped would last for a lifetime.

The moments they spent together were pure bliss, he could not remember if he ever had been more happier than this and hoped she felt the same way. As time passed, the desire to start a family grew stronger in him and she acquiesced. And they brought forth to the world their wonderful little children. He was looking forward to both of them bringing up their little ones in the best way possible.

But alas, that was not to be. She had no intentions of wasting her time on bringing up her offsprings and so she vanished from his life without any warning. One moment she was there and the next moment she was gone. She had deserted him right after the conception and it was he who now had to deal with the complete responsibility of taking care of their kids. She had disappeared leaving behind a whole family and a broken heart.

Faced with the reality of being a single parent, he realized that this was life and this was the way it always was and will always be.

As he braced himself for a lonely struggle ahead, he could not help but think “Damn, it is tough being a male sea horse”

An year gone by

A year ago around this time, I made an indelible mark on the literary world, I spilled some coffee on a poetry book I had.

And in an unrelated incident, I started blogging as well.

So as I look back on the year that has gone by, I can proudly say that I have gone from being a ‘nobody’ to…well…‘Nobody’ (notice the capital ‘N’).

You being a reader of this blog are really special too. This blog is the literary equivalent of the ‘Giga Society’, the high IQ society which has the top 0.0000001% of the population. This translates to around 6 people which is approximately the number of readers that I have. So there!! You are part of a very elite and sophisticated set of people whose IQ levels are on par with Einstein’s (after he died).

I have to admit that blogging has allowed me to unleash my creativity which till now was limited to drawing on the dust on the windshield of my car, drawings that would remind you of the cave paintings by the Stone Age men. By the way, I assume men because, if you notice, the cave paintings were always on hunting. I imagine that the women were mostly yelling at their men asking them to get some real work done.

“Look honey, I drew a picture of me killing a woolly mammoth”
“So what ?, do you think ten thousand years hence anybody would give a damn !!. Why don’t you go out and hunt a squirrel instead”

But then I digress, the fact is these art works of mine were temporary since I invariably had to succumb to societal pressures and wash my car. So I decided to direct my creativity towards writing and thus began this blog which unlike my car does not need to be washed often.

I hope to continue blogging and bring to you deeply insightful views on the world around or totally useless nonsense, whichever is easier. And I also hope that as you continue to read these posts, the damage to your IQ will not be permanent.

Have a great year ahead you all…