A lovely day

Yet another bad hair day, I told myself this morning as I tried my best to press down an unruly mop of hair on my head that stuck out like a bunch of overgrown weeds on a neatly mowed lawn. The zit on my nose right between my eyes seemed to have gotten bigger overnight. Pushing thirty and still having problems with zits, that’s not really comforting. The traffic was a monster on my way to work and the weather was bad with overcast skies and a gloomy atmosphere. All in all, it looked like another terrible workday that I would have to pull myself through. The morning went by, dull and drab.

And then the clock struck three.

A bus load of kids came over to our office. Today was the day when we had arranged a fun event for underprivileged kids. We had gotten in touch with an NGO called Global Concerns India who sponsor the education of children of people with low income. We wanted to have the kids over at our office for an afternoon get together so that they can get a feel of the corporate world and hopefully be inspired to work towards a better education for themselves. But more importantly, we wanted them to have fun.

So over the next three hours, we had them eating their snacks and mingling with a lot of us, asking questions, singing, dancing and in general having a blast. We had organized a one hour magic show which was a big hit with not just the kids but also with the employees. After all, who does not like magic ?.

At the end, we gave each of them a small gift consisting a school bag and some stationery to help them in their studies. As the kids left the office premises, I could not help feeling a surreal sense of satisfaction on a day well spent.

The zit is still there and my hair still refuses to get back in place as I pack up to leave for home and I don’t care because today has been a lovely day.

Looking Within

The winds of religious rhetoric have begun to pick up speed again in the subcontinent. Be it the Taslima Nasreen witch hunt or the Gujarat pre-election campaigning where Modi is going all out with his Hindutva babble, religion is again in focus for all the wrong reasons.

I cannot help but wonder if our Gods up there are having a good laugh at all this insanity.

The Jews await their Messiah, the Christians the second coming, the Hindus anticipate their Kalki and the Muslims their twelfth Imam - Al Mahdi while the Buddhists await their Maitreya. Even the cargo cultists want their John Frum back.

And while the Gods confabulate on whose turn it is to descend into this mortal world, we can in the meantime go for each other’s jugular.

The idea of God’s descent on earth scares me. Not because it may happen soon but more because it may have already happened and it did not make a difference. We were too busy upholding religion to notice God. Or maybe just maybe the Gods may want us to sort out the mess we created before even contemplating on another visit down here.

One of the more mysterious verses in the Vedas is the verse “Tat Tvam Asi” (Thou Art That). This verse has been a source of many an epiphany for me.

What is ‘That’ and what does ‘I am That’ even mean ?. More I think about this, more I have come to believe that there is no ‘That’, ‘That’ can be anything we want it to be. And what we want it to be is what defines us.

If you want to see Peace around you, you be the peace, if you want to see Love, you be the Love and if you want to see War, you be the War.

There is a beautiful saying (some attribute it to the Talmud) “We don’t see things as they are but we see them as we are”.

I guess we all spend our lives trying to find our ‘That’ while it remains within us all the time. We have a choice to make, whether the ‘That’ we choose, builds hearts and minds or destroys life and destroys the spirit. Apocalypse and Nirvana both lie within, we just have to make the call.

The Gods may never come down. For they know they have bequeathed upon us the most powerful gift of them all, the power of choice.

And what we choose is what we will become……

We still have a long way to go

So what I suspected for a long time has finally been proved by Science that chimpanzees are smarter than you and me.

http://deccanherald.com/Content/Dec52007/foreign2007120539491.asp

For a keen observer of the human race, this should come as no surprise. I can think of a few reasons why

1. So how many world wars do you know that were started by chimps ?. We have two on our side and maybe if we try a little harder, we can muster enough dumbness for one more.

2. The last time I checked, the chimps still had no clue about religion.

3. All they do is eat, sleep, poop and make babies in between. We do the same too but squeeze in time for killing, polluting, abusing and discriminating just for kicks.

4. George W Bush

So can you think of any more reasons ?. And while you think, let me go get myself a banana

An affair to remember

One of my longest relationships came to an end this weekend. It was heartbreaking to say the least. But I had to do it, the holes on my t-shirt became so big that a freight train could pass through them. And it was with great difficulty that I brought myself to discard it.

I am sure all of you have one such wardrobe jewel that you simply cannot part with. This t-shirt was with me for 9 long years and has served in various capacities like sometimes doubling up as a towel to dry my hands with and sometimes to wipe the table when I got too lazy to find a table cloth and all this (and I am not proud of this) while being an active t-shirt on me (Oh, shut up and stop wincing, as if you never did it !!). But still, in spite of its multipurpose existence it barely showed any signs of aging at all except for some stubborn stains that came with all the wiping.

Going out into the neighbourhood with this piece of clothing on was a real test of bravery. I would catch people staring at me probably wondering if they should toss a coin towards me. But fashion gurus don’t get turned off by petty distractions because we fashion gurus are always on the lookout for new ways of publicly embarrassing ourselves…or as we call it….making new style statements. So I bear no ill feelings toward any of those people with a diminished sense of fashion but I do ask them that they at least have the decency to not point at me when laughing their guts out.

Anyway, over the past few months, the t-shirt finally started giving way. A tiny hole first made its appearance by strategically locating itself right in the midriff area. And then it brought its friends along, so all at once, there were so many of them that it was like they were having a college reunion. And every time I wore my tee, a few of them would come together to form a bigger hole, and before I knew it, it was ‘Holes Incorporated’.

When you have more hole than cloth, it is a clear indication that it’s time for you to say goodbye. So after a few moments of ‘it’s not you, it’s me’ talk with my tee, I threw it into the dumpster.

Wait a minute, I have a better idea. All I need to do is become immensely popular (because you will tell your friends about this blog who will then tell their friends) and then put my t-shirt for sale on E-bay. When a chewed up gum by Britney Spears can get big bucks, I am sure my tee can do well too.

Then again maybe not since Britney had a lot of other antics going for her that I not even dare try.

Traffic Jams

There is a lesser known story in the Bible

And God said "Moses, take the children of Israel to safety and you have two options to do that, either take them through Bangalore or attempt the impossible". Moses took one look at the streets of Bangalore and decided that impossible was better so he parted the red sea.
- Exodus 41

Every time I am stuck in a traffic jam, I fervently wish for the power that Moses had. I want to waive my hand and split the traffic in two and zip through the space in between.

Since that power eludes me, I do the next best thing……curse. It gives me great satisfaction shouting obscenities at the world around with the car window rolled up, knowing that they cannot hear me. I admit it does not clear the traffic jam but I am improving my vocabulary big time...and if you have a problem with that, I don't give a hoot, you pontificating ignoramus. See..!!

Traffic jams give me an opportunity to reflect on more meaningful questions of life like "Is this radio jockey as hot as she sounds ?".

I also get a kick out of seeing that the guy in the Mercedes Benz to my left is moving at the speed of a Manmohan Singh speech just like me and his multi cylinder, gazillion horsepower, freakishly expensive car is just as good as my little excuse of a car. But I am not sure why the guy on the bicycle next to me has a wry smile on his face as he looks at me.

Of course, there are other techniques of avoiding frustration during a traffic jam but all of them involve a bazooka mounted on the bonnet.

But remember that the best way to handle a traffic jam is to enjoy it. I do that most when I am looking at one standing from the balcony of my office.

Discovering the talent within

George Bush can now rest in peace for the weapons of mass destruction have finally been found.

And I cooked them.

Now if you can please rub that grin off your face, I can proceed to tell you that in spite of what it sounds like, I am not such a bad cook. Hmmm....on second thoughts, get the grin back on.

Ok, let me narrate why such a state came to pass. I decided to try my hand at cooking this weekend to satisfy my urge to cook something really delicious and also because the nearest restaurant was closed.

My main expertise in the area of cooking is the ability to boil water on the stove. Apparently, that is not good enough for cooking connoisseurs. No, they always want something that is tasty and subtle, they and their arbitrary standards. So I thought, this time along with boiling the water, I would add some lentils and some spices and other things that is technically referred to as ‘stuff’ into it to make ‘Rasam’. Rasam is a South Indian dish that when cooked well is absolutely delicious and goes perfectly with rice. And when cooked badly, it can be used to kill rats.

So with great enthusiasm and self delusion, I went about making ‘Rasam’. The lentils went in first, the spices next, then some salt and tamarind, some cumin, some oil and lots of stupidity. As the concoction boiled, I began to pat myself on a job well done.

Finally, when it was done, put it on my plate with some rice and gingerly placed the food in my mouth.

Ok, why don’t we take a short commercial break at this point? We will be right back…

(Insert favourite commercial here)

Now that you are back, I don’t really have to explain how it turned out. Do I ?

If cooking is an art form, then my cooking is modern art. It gets people to ask themselves complex philosophical questions like “Should I flush this down the toilet or simply hide it under the sofa when nobody is looking”.

But I had to eat. Did I mention the restaurant was closed ?. So I braved on, added some more ‘stuff’ to it to make it more edible and managed to gulp down the food. In the process I learnt that ‘As you cook, so shall you eat’ makes for a good proverb.

But the fact is I did manage to finish up what I cooked and I confess it actually did taste well as I strove along. I guess my cooking is an acquired taste akin to drinking espresso or drinking wine or......eating soap.

So if you want to try my cooking, you are always welcome to my home.

But you have to sit on the floor with the plate because I am not letting you go anywhere near the sofa

The dreaded 'F' word

I have had enough. A couple of weeks ago, a grandmother across the street beat me in walking up to the end of road. That did not bother me much, clearly grandma was on steroids. Following week, a school kid did that too, so ok it hurt a little. But then, a stray puppy out ran me on the streets and that, my dear readers, is simply unacceptable. My first impulse was to take my car out and drive real fast to show the puppy that I was still the boss. Later, after years of denial, it dawned on me that I had the fitness levels of a twig. So I went back to denial mode, it’s a lot more comfortable there. I recommend everybody to try it, it works !!.

But it did not last for long. The puppy kept acting all smug about its superior fitness and would not even wag its tail anymore when it saw me. So I resolved to do something about it, I mean my fitness not the wagging. We have a gym in the office, I decided to give it a shot.

I have always been scared of gyms. It’s because they have pictures of huge people like Arnold (spell his last name yourself), Sylvester Stallone and a whole bunch of other guys who are in their underwear striking weird poses apparently testing how much stress their underwear can take. I always feel they are all looking directly at me as if to say that me even being there is an insult to them. Thankfully, there are no such pictures in my office gym. So I took my chance.

The most important thing about going to the gym is to buy the right track suit. Hey, they have big mirrors in the gym and it is only fair that you look your best, so that you can catch your reflection while you try and pretend to work out.

The instructor told me to start slow as though I had a choice, I liked him right away.

So the first day, I got on the treadmill and ran, ok jogged…oh alright…walked for like 30 minutes. A treadmill is a great reflection on corporate life, the whole idea being that you need to keep running harder and harder to stay where you are. That’s my wisdom for the day to you, free of charge.

Here is another bit of wisdom, apparently the human body has these things called muscles. Muscles are walnut shaped (and sized in some) and help in thinking....no wait, that’s brains. Ok, whatever muscles are gym is supposed to help them stay active, looks like mine were mostly asleep. And boy, do they get nasty when woken up !!. I had a school teacher like that once who would sometimes sleep during the class and anybody who dared to wake her up would get walloped, she taught moral science.

Gym has a strange effect on the unprepared anatomy. After a bunch of workout sessions, you feel a distinct out of body experience. Each of my body part seemed to have declared independence from the rest. My brain kept telling my legs to move and instead my mouth would ask my brain to go to hell. My body was like the Indian parliament, total chaos and no work done. So the next few days, if you heard “Ow....ow....ow” in the corridor, that was me walking and sometimes you would hear “                ” of course, that was me not walking.

I admit it is getting better now after a week of narcissistic workouts. I am more confident about my fitness. The darned little puppy better watch out, I am gonna leave it far behind.

But I am not so sure of grandma though…

The worst of them all

I love politicians. They make dung beetles look classy.

I say this in reference to what is happening in my State right now. But it does not matter if you are not aware of the local politics of this State, I am sure you have your bunch of politicos who compete just as hard to keep the beetles on top.

The hankering for power by politicians and the total lack of any principles serves one purpose, it helps me make jokes on them.

Q: What is the difference between a politician and a soiled diaper ?.
A: The diaper

Going by the total chaos that is prevalent in the State today, it seems best to have early elections. However an election is really an expensive way for people to decide who gets to loot them this time.

I propose a much simpler and more cost effective alternative. I would like to call it the Indian Roulette. This is same as its Russian counterpart except that the gun shall have 5 bullets and 1 empty chamber. I know what you are thinking “Well, there is still a 16.66 % chance that the last one shall come out of it alive”. Well, I appreciate your concern but we have to give them a fair chance. Look at it this way, the guy who survives is someone with a lot of luck. This is precisely what we need because when intelligence is not available, luck is all that counts. As we know, governance here works more on luck than on anything else.

Alternately, we could have a game of musical chairs. The catch is that the chairs would all be electric. The atmosphere sure would be all charged up. Tacky puns aside, you get the picture right ?

But like all my other great ideas, these too will not see the light of day and shall have to be relegated to this blog.

Anyway, it appears to be that time of the month when my sarcasm hormones are fully revved up. It is not my intention to hurt anybody's sentiments by this post.

I sincerely apologize to all dung beetles.

FYI Post

As we approach, November 1st, Karnataka Rajyothsava day (State formation anniversary of Karnataka), I would like to mention that Wikipedia is going to publish an article on Karnataka, as their Featured Article on their main page.

Do check this out on Nov 1
http://en.wikipedia.org

The info on Karnataka can be found at
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Karnataka

A friend of mine is a Wikipedia contributor and he has worked on the Karnataka wiki. I thought I would do my part in spreading this info.

On the flag and the national honour

The Indian cricket team has been sued for insulting the national flag.
Apparently, the way the flag was handled during the after match celebrations was deemed insulting.

Team India accused of 'insulting' tricolour

We seem to be seeing more and more of such lawsuits that border on the trivial. A couple of months ago, Infosys founder Narayana Murthy was subjected to this farce as well for allegedly insulting the national anthem.

Anyone in India knows that cricket is a binding force and the Indian cricket team is a substantial cohesive influence on the country. Mud slinging these youths is just an attempt at petty publicity.

We are a flag crazy country, every time a politician needs to make an impact, a new flag pole is erected and a flag hoisted there. Every city has at least a bunch of these poles flying either the national flag or the state flag. The real insult to a flag happens here. Most of the flags end up being weather beaten and torn with gaping holes. Nobody seems to perceive this as a problem.

But these publicity hounds are always on the lookout for individuals that they can target for maximum mileage, the bigger the individual, the greater the witch-hunt.

Since we are on flags, I might as well write about something that had bothered me for a long time and only recently have been able to appreciate the use of it. I am talking about USA where the freedom for citizens to burn their national flag is permitted by law.

How can a country allow it's citizens to burn it's own flag ?. A conventional outlook will not give us the answer. For me, a flag represents a set of values that a country was built upon. It is a metaphor for the principles that are the foundation of a country's constitution. If these principles are blatantly flouted by its own government, then a citizen may feel that this can be best demonstrated by burning the flag as a way symbolizing that the value system of the country is being burnt down.

In India, we have had situations which have been a blot on our founding values. The Babri masjid issue, the Bombay blasts, the Godhra train carnage and the subsequent Gujarat riots. As exposed by the media, at various levels, official complicity was involved in most of these events.

Every time official machinery turns a wanton blind eye to obvious desecration of constitutional values, the Indian flag burns.

When looked at it this way, the American law makes sense.

But I would like to quickly add that I do not support such a freedom in India, for the simple reason that in our culture, we have used burning as way of demonstrating hate. Effigies of personalities are burnt, buses are burnt and so on. The intent of burning in these cases is vastly different from the intent of burning a flag. Hence this is a freedom that we cannot comprehend or afford.

By the way, as an aside, did you know that the most preferred way of disposing the Indian Flag is to burn it ?.

THE PREVENTION OF INSULTS TO NATIONAL HONOUR ACT, 1971

PART. III
HOISTING/DISPLAY OF THE NATIONAL FLAG BY THE CENTRAL AND STATE GOVERNMENTS AND THEIR ORGANISATIONS AND AGENCIES.


SECTION V
3.25 When the Flag is in a damaged or soiled condition, it shall be destroyed as a whole in private, preferably by burning or by any other method consistent with the dignity of the Flag.


Next time you buy a flag during Independence day, make sure you don't dump it in the dustbin but give it a decent disposal (yet another reason to shun the plastic ones).

That would be truly honouring our national symbol.

The best of them all

I watched Spiderman-1 again this weekend and I must say I love this guy…I mean Spiderman the character not Toby McGuire. For me Spiderman is the best of the superheroes there is and I will tell you why. If you are a Batman or a Superman fan, stop reading now and do something else like watching cartoon network…

Let's begin with Batman. Firstly, what kind of a superhero needs an assistant ?? If that isn't proof enough of his limited abilities, let me bring to your notice the very primitive means of transport that he uses...rope !!. He might as well take the bus.

I have always wondered what Batman would do if he ran out of rope. Think about it, there he is…climbing to reach the 15th storey of a building on fire and he falls short of rope on the 13th. Pretty embarrassing for a super hero, don't you think?

"Hey Robin, this is Batman calling, can you quickly run over to Wal-Mart and get me like another 30 feet of rope and while you are at it, get me a new cape as well, this one got stuck in the window sill on the 12th"

And don't even get me started on Superman. For all his super powers, he is remarkably dumb when it comes to disguise. When he is Clark Kent, all he does is wear spectacles and somehow nobody in the town can guess he is superman. I have eaten turnips that are more intelligent than the people of Metropolis. Much has been said about Superman’s underwear, my theory is that his underwear draws attention away from his face and people are so startled by his unique fashion sense that they just cannot look above his waist (of course I mean that in a non-dirty way) and all of them are thinking the same thing “How the hell does he go to the bathroom ?”

So that leaves only Spiderman, the best of the lot. Doesn't he have the coolest costume or what!! No fashion faux pas there. And unlike Batman, he never has to worry about running out of transportation support. And nothing to beat hanging upside down and kissing MJ and I must say I simply love this girl, I mean Kirsten Dunst and not MJ the character....

Let’s see Superman or Batman trying to top that one…

Go Spidey !!

Now it is time for me to get back to being an adult

Pushing the frontiers of science

The Ig-Nobel prizes for 2007 were announced last week. Mr. Einstein please make way, here come the next set of breakthrough achievements that may impact science in ways unknown and preferably it will stay that way.

2007 ig nobel winners

Of interest is the guy who won the Ig-Nobel for chemistry. He had this burst of inspiration and discovered a way to extract vanilla out of...hold your breath....cow dung !!. I did warn you to hold your breath, did I not?

I seriously wonder how this guy went about finding it out. As is wont in science, achievements are never a one step process. So I figure, this guy spent many hours and many unsuccessful attempts before he hit the right flavour...

Attempt 1: "Hmmm....dung"

Attempt 2: "Yuck...still dung"

Attempt 3: "Umm..hey...Big Mac...wait...no, still dung"

Attempt 4: "WOW..Vanilla....!!."
"Honey, sorry for the fight yesterday, here I made you some ice cream"


Then there is that team of researchers who showed that "rats sometimes cannot tell the difference between a person speaking Japanese backwards and a person speaking Dutch backwards". Interestingly, neither can I. It proves that I am at least as intelligent as laboratory rats and automatically a lot more intelligent than this particular research team.

We also have the winner of the Ig-Nobel for medicine for his report on "Sword Swallowing and Its Side Effects". I am sure he has a nice thank you speech prepared but he may not be able to deliver it since it is pretty inconvenient when you have a sword sticking out of your throat (I am guessing, side effect number 3).

These scientists should be rewarded for their hard work. Personally, I would buy them all Big Macs and would like to tell them "funny so never was shit bull".

If you did not get that, maybe the rats could help.

Cambodia Calling

Africa, a continent that is ever so stunning in the diversity of wildlife, I have always wanted to witness the beauty of Serengeti and the raw wilderness of the Masai Mara.

So I flew to Cambodia.

You see I had a chance to avail a free round trip in lieu of the air miles that I had accumulated over the past few years. The air miles were good enough to take me as far as any country in south east Asia. Africa will have to wait for another time.

I chose Cambodia for three reasons.

1. I wanted to see Angkor Wat
2. It has a visa on arrival facility
3. I was secretly hoping to run into Angelina Jolie and maybe persuade her to adopt me.

I landed in the capital of Cambodia which is Phnom Penh (pronounced "Pphhhh....Pphhhh...")

Here is a question for you all - "What is hot, sultry and makes you sweat all over ?". The answer is, of course, Bipasha Basu.

But truth be told, during this time of the year, Cambodia is hot and sultry too in a very non Bipasha way. And that is precisely why I chose this time of the year because when you are single and don't want to spend too much money, you always pick the off-season. This way you get the best deals. For example, you could visit Egypt during summer or visit Siberia during winter or Iraq pretty much anytime.

Here goes what happened there (25th to 30th Sept 07)

Day 1 and 2 - Phnom Penh

Phnom Penh could be just about any city in India, the dirt, the grime, the chaotic traffic including. Cambodians are supposed to drive on the right side of the road and they try their best. So I felt right at home.

I checked into a hotel called Tonle Sap Guesthouse which is situated in the heart of the city very near to the river front and close enough to most of the tourist attractions.



The first day I visited the National Museum which houses ancient works of art, sculptures of Buddha, Vishnu, Ganesha and other Hindu Gods. If you did not know already, Cambodia was a Hindu Kingdom till about 16th century after which the king converted to Buddhism and his subjects followed suit. But you can still see a lot of Hindu relics and practices in their culture. Next, I walked to the King’s Palace nearby. It’s a wonderful work of architecture, in the typical Khmer style with sloping roofs and sculpted art around the sides.

The next day, I took the 'tuk tuk' (it's a motorcycle rickshaw) to the Killing Fields . This place bears testimony to the brutality of the Khmer Rouge. The regime of Pol Pot for four years (1975 – 79) left around 2 million dead and you can still see the scars of the regime. I met a lot of people who have had their parents or their near ones killed during that time. The ‘killing fields’ houses a building where around 20000 human skulls and bones of the victims are on display showing the depravity that man can fall into in pursuit of strange idealism. During my return, I stopped by Tuol Sleung Prison which was used by the regime to imprison and torture innocent people accusing them of conspiracy against the movement.


Day 3, Day 4, Day 5 – Seim Reip



It was time to explore the spectacular Angkor temples. I flew to the city of Seim Reip (pronounced…”Seim Reip”) where the temples are located. On the first day there, I visited the Tonle Sap lake. This is a huge huge lake formed by the Tonle Sap river. Apparently, during the wet season it covers an area of more than 10000 sq kms. To give you an idea of the size, it means that we can fit in three pre-diet versions of Adnan Sami and still have space for two more, yeah I know, it is that huge. There is a floating village in the periphery of the lake. Vietnamese and Cambodian families inhabit this floating village and fishing is their main occupation. I took a boat ride that lasted about a couple of hours and it was fantastic.



The next day it was time to explore the temple complex. First stop was at Angkor Wat. The three towers of the temple representing the Hindu trinity seem to rise from the middle of the forest trying to reach for the sky. The majestic view of the temple is simply breath taking. The temple is a three storey structure, symbolizing hell, earth and heaven. The stairway to the third floor is really steep indicating that the climb to heaven is an arduous task.



I then went to Angkor Thom which is not as well preserved as the Wat but it oozes a lot more mystery and has a surreal feel about it. There are giant images of faces sculpted on the towers of this temple. They again represent the Hindu trinity, mostly Vishnu. The expression on the face evokes a feeling of tranquility and the smile suggests a sense of contentment that we miss so badly in our lives today.

I visited a few more temple complexes, the best being the one at Banteay Srei. This one has intricately carved designs that are a joy to behold. It would take at least three days to cover all the temple complexes in Angkor and I just had one more day left with more to see and so had to satisfy myself with just a day’s visit. But it was well worth every moment of it.

That night, I had my dinner at a local restaurant that stages the traditional Apsara dance. A group of gorgeously dressed young women came on stage, slowly moving their hands and bodies to the beautiful beat of the music in the background. As you watch this slow rhythmic performance, it is hard not to fall asleep…oops…I mean fall in love with the dance form. The whole performance took about an hour and it was a nice end to a great day.

The third day, I stepped into the Cambodian Cultural Village that showcases the various cultural setups of the different people living in Cambodia. When I went in, it was time for the ‘traditional Khmer wedding’ show. I was sitting there waiting for the show to begin when a couple of guys asked me to follow them to the dressing room. They told me that I had been selected to play the groom for that show……… WOW………An older lady dressed me up in traditional Khmer clothing. I was then handed a vessel of flowers to be held in both hands and I walked to the stage with music and drums beating and a bunch of people following me. As an aside, if you go there and you don’t get picked as the groom, don’t feel bad, it’s probably because you are too ugly. Did I mention, I got picked ??. To continue, the bride emerged from the other side, a lovely young woman and we both held the vessel of flowers and walked towards a bench on the stage where my future “parents-in-law” were seated. We prostrated before them and then were led to our chairs in the centre of the stage. After that, two people came on stage and there was a discussion in the local Khmer language which nobody translated but there were people giggling around me, I assume that it was some kind of pre marriage negotiations taking place or maybe they were just making fun of me “Hey look, another tourist we conned into paying 9 dollars to watch this…………moron”. Anyway, two Chinese tourists were picked to play my parents. They and my “in-laws” took turns in cutting my hair (of course just a mock cut) as a part of the ritual and the marriage was done.

Later, my “wife” started to dance slowly and I was asked to follow her. Me !!, dance !!!!, when it comes to dancing I am a log of wood with a face. I told them I can’t but they would not listen, apparently it is very important for a mock marriage you see. Anyway, I started moving my hands in all general directions. I suspect I must have looked like a guy having a nervous breakdown and trying to swat flies at the same time. There are at least 20 Chinese tourists out there who took pictures of the whole thing. Somewhere in China, I can hear people looking at these photos and laughing their guts out “Hey Tong, what’s wrong with this guy ?, my chicken can dance better than him”. If you are reading this Mr.Tong, you better be aware that inspite of my terrible dancing, I got picked as the groom and not you.

My flight back to Phnom Penh was still a couple of hours away and so I visited the war memorial. A word of advice, don’t ever visit the war memorial. It is just a bunch of rusting tanks and rocket launchers and a whole lot of used up artillery. They charge you 3 dollars for going through a dump yard.

Day 6 - Back home

Anyway, flew back to Phnom Penh that evening. The next morning at 10 was my flight back home. I overslept and when I got up it was 8.25 already. Then followed the fastest ever getting ready exercise and I was out of the room by 8.29 (don’t ask). I caught my flight with time to spare. Had a 7 hour layover at Bangkok (by the way, the airport has 32645 floor tiles, ha ha of course I am exaggerating…………… it is actually 31224) and finally landed in Bangalore at 9.30 in the night. Went to my office, picked my car and drove home.

All in all, a wonderful holiday…


PS: Special thanks to ‘P’ who dropped me to and picked me up from the Airport. It’s hard to find friends like her (my other friends were too clever for me to con them into it). And thanks to ‘A’ who let me borrow his SLR camera knowing fully well that it would be like handing over a crystal ball to a caveman.

Mahatma

"First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then you win"

A quote that you may be forgiven for thinking was made by some gun toting general during a war. It was a war alright, a war against an empire and instead of a gun toting general, there was a thin, half naked old man with a stick. Win he did and how !!.

I realise that this is my second post on Gandhi (after ‘In memory of a Legend’) but I ask your forbearance on this and I hope to not bore you with repetition.

Discussing or debating Gandhi is futile and never ending. I, for one, believe that he can only be discovered. We can aspire to know ourselves better by knowing him. Because at some level we all share the same characteristics that make us human and Mahatma proved what happens when the best of human nature is exercised to conquer the baser aspects.

When I finished reading Louis Fisher's excellent biography on Mahatma Gandhi, the first thought I had was this man died for all that is wrong with us.

In this strife torn state of affairs where the word 'religion' has come to mean division and polarization, Bapu showed what being truly religious is all about.

Two thousand years ago one man was put on a cross and around sixty years ago another was pumped with bullets. Both of them died due to religion albeit under vastly different circumstances. But what is common is that the people responsible for their ends were alike in their thinking. As Einstein once said great spirits have always encountered violent opposition from mediocre minds.

Gandhi was as religious a man as one can get. His outlook towards religion was fundamental nay essential in his political progress and his personal convictions. But his vision of religion was quite tangential to that of those who ended his life and they could never comprehend what it meant.

This post is not intended to defend religion or religious beliefs. I hardly consider myself religious. The intent is to show that religious beliefs can be as powerful in effecting positive change as they are in effecting negative ones.

The concept of God has created so much exclusive groupism and destruction that it perhaps has no parallel in the history of conflicting ideas. But when we perceive God in the way Mahatma did, the debate vanishes.

To quote Bapu,
"for I can see that in the midst of death life persists,
in the midst of untruth truth persists,
in the midst of darkness light persists. Hence I gather that
God is life, truth, light. He is love. He is the supreme Good"

-Excerpted from a speech by Gandhi, recorded in Kingsley Hall, London 1931

Irrespective of whether you are a theist or an atheist, you simply cannot argue with Gandhi's concept of God. Be it his autobiography or his public talks, one can find a persistent and oft repeated view by Gandhi that Truth was God.

Some readers here may opine that having read all the glorified texts on him, I may have developed a filter to only the positives of Gandhi. I would like to say that I have spent almost as much time on anti Gandhi literature, some of them being the Godse speech during his trial and Pradeep Dalvi's controversial drama 'Mee Nathuram Godse Boltoy' and a whole lot more that one can find on the web.

Ironically, the more hate speeches I read, the more my admiration for him grows.

I am aware of the controversies Gandhi generated during his lifetime and these are frequently wielded by the Gandhi bashers, be it his so called “castist" comments allegedly defending the Hindu caste system or his bizarre brahmacharya experiments during the later years of his life. I do not want to delve into refuting these allegations or justifying his actions in this write-up, that's not my point.

But I do know that what ever his limitations, his was a life of unquestionable integrity, unbound tenacity, an unmatched vision and above all a spiritual conviction so great that it transcended religion as everybody else understood it.

In conclusion, I believe that as long as there are people who continue to draw their inspiration from Mahatma Gandhi, there is hope for mankind. To paraphrase a popular quote…………… “Gandhi is dead, long live Gandhi”

Bapu, you rock !!

How to be environmentally friendly

At last, Russia now has a bomb that Greenpeace would be proud of.

Russia builds 'most powerful bomb'

The article mentions that the Russian deputy chief of military staff said that unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn't hurt the environment.

Oh, bless the Lord, that's such a relief. Because when I am lying on the ground with my limbs missing and a few hundred thousand corpses strewn around, I would finally feel happy that all of us died in the most environmentally friendly fashion.

I am not a die hard pacifist and I understand the need for defence but this is probably the most absurd of all statements. Yo, my Russian friend, be proud of the bomb and your accomplishment if you want to be but just SHUT UP about trying to put a spin on it.

As a vegetarian, I must ask if the bomb contains any animal products at all ?. If yes, could you make one that is more vegetarian friendly...!!

Lessons in Friendship

Of all relationships, friendship is the most valuable one especially if you have friends who can lend you money and think that you will one day pay them back.
Mr. RelationshipMan shall today advise you on tips to keep the bond of friendship alive.

Lesson 1 :

As you grow older, the time that you spend on the phone with your friends drastically reduces. And it becomes that much more difficult to find reasons to call up your friends. But it is necessary that when you do call, you have a reason and not an excuse. An excuse cannot ensure a meaningful conversation. Here is an illustration for your convenience

Excuse: "Hi, I just called to check if I forgot my keys at your place"

Reason: "Hi, I heard that you broke your leg. Are you able to walk around ?, if so could you check if I have forgotten my keys at your place"

See the difference ?. It is very important that you wait till your friend breaks a leg.

Lesson 2 :

Always complement friends when they deserve one. Say things to boost their self confidence but at the same time give them an honest opinion to prove that you have their best interests on your mind "Wow, you look very attractive today, you would look even better if you get yourself a nose job".
On second thought, don't mix the compliment and the honest opinion in the same sentence.

Lesson 3 :

Another way to keep a friend circle alive is to always bitch about common friends when they are not around..."he is such a smart ass, always advising us on morality...let's steal some money from his purse the next time he goes to the bathroom".
This is how you develop stronger bonding. This is how you buy the next can of beer.

Lesson 4 :

Do not forget to wish your friends on their special days like their birthday. Remind them that they are that much closer to a hip replacement surgery. Try and buy a nice present if possible.
“Happy birthday buddy, here……I bought you a can of beer.”

Lesson 5 :

The longer your friendship, the more casual your friends become. This means that they are going to say things about you that may not necessarily be encouraging even though you know in the bottom of your heart that they are a bunch of lying dingbats. For instance, I know that I sing well but my friends tell me that I sound like a drain being flushed. In such circumstances, you should always act as though you are totally cool with criticism.

But remember to secretly plot on how to break their leg. It may not help your friendship but at least you will now have a reason to call them up.

Morning Travails

There is a profound ancient Chinese proverb that goes "Never overestimate the amount of toothpaste left in the tube". Oh alright, it is not ancient nor is it Chinese, I just made it up. We all know that ancient Chinese never brushed their teeth, that's why they invented toothpicks.

But you have to admit that it is profound. Anybody who has made the mistake of not buying a new tube until it is too late realizes the grave implication of running out of paste.

I ended up in that situation. Every morning, there was this harmless, innocent looking tube slowly being drained off its contents. And with each passing day, the tube became more and more disfigured and it literally seemed to beg to be delivered from its misery. But I continued to ignore all the warning signs. I would battle heroically to cajole the last remnants of paste out of its badly beaten body until it relented and gave in. So each day, the tube would end up in a different shape than the previous day, sometimes like a pear, sometimes like 3.2 and sometimes like Tushar Kapoor with a bad hip problem.

But today, I just could not succeed in spite of trying a two pronged approach which involved stomping and yelling in turns. However nothing worked and I was forced to do what any self respecting man would have done, use an alternative instead....soap !!. Hey, it works for the body, why not for the mouth. But it turns out that self respecting men are morons. Soap is a bad idea especially if you use the same one that you wash your clothes with...and you can't enjoy eating it either. Apparently, they never thought of making it taste good, just in case somebody wants to use it to…you know…not wash clothes.

Anyway, after a long battle with foam, I finally finished brushing. For what it's worth, I have learnt my lesson now....I have decided that such a thing will never come to pass again. Next time, I am trying shampoo instead...

And if you are complaining that toothpicks are not exactly a Chinese invention, all I say to you is "May you run out of paste"

Media Mania

Am I the only one or is television really getting on everyone's nerves. May be we should conduct a poll on that one or better still get a panel of experts (aka anyone with an opinion) to discuss this for two hours. Not to mention, the constant stream of captioning that scrolls across the screen keeping me abreast of all information that I don't care jack about.

Breaking news....

We interrupt this post to inform you that Aishwarya Rai may have sprained her left ankle or her brain, we need to figure out which is which.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.


Like I was saying, this mad race for TRP has resulted in every channel throwing up all kinds of tabloid programming. And the one true channel that was known for its daring exposés has been banned for three months, oh how I miss FTV.

In fact, sometimes I almost crave for the pre cable days when we had just our dear old doordarshan and its lone channel keeping us ecstatic with never ending entertainment - 3 hours of programming every evening. I especially remember the news readers who had the uncanny knack of taking the most exciting news and reading it out like their grandmother just died.

“India won the world cup today but don’t you dare celebrate since the expression on my face clearly suggests that I have been constipated for a few weeks now”

So during news hour, I would change the channel and watch static instead…

Oh well, those were the days. Even now, I change channels but now I have to do it a 100 times over, cycling through mounds of programming crap before arriving at where I started. Only this time, the magic of remote control allows me to do that from my couch (I am willing to bet that the remote was invented by a man, of course man invented the war as well...we men aren’t particularly bright that way).

Anyway, frequently I hit a channel showing an infomercial where someone is trying to sell me a machine that will give me great abs or if I am a woman, will give me fantastic hips (I wonder how it knows and what if it makes a mistake). And then there is Ekta Kapoor and her soaps, somewhere there is a circus out there that is looking out for its missing clown.

So finally, I turn to the discovery channel for salvation only to see an episode on frogs making out. Hell, can’t a person get some decent entertainment on TV anymore that does not involve magic pills, lousy soaps, repetitive news or humping amphibians…

I have decided to go back to reading, it is less noisy and I get to learn a lot.....where is the TV guide??

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Madam President

Ok, now we have our first woman president. This is a powerful statement on women empowerment, let's all applaud this defining moment of our post-independence history and please stop nitpicking about how this means squat for the common woman on the street.

But then I digress, coming back to the presidency, the elections for the president is more of a display of political maneuvering by the ruling party than any honest attempt at finding the best person for the job. So invariably, the person most amenable to the ruling party gets elected as in the case of our new president.

When it comes to power, the post of the president of India has limited upside but a pretty ugly downside which can lead to unmitigated disaster. This was amply demonstrated by Fakruddin Ahmed directly responsible for the shame that was the emergency.

So I care a lot less whether the new president has the abilities to bring value to her presidency than I do about her not making a mockery of the president's role.

So Ms.Patil, I congratulate you on your achievement and while it may be difficult for you to get into the list of great presidents, all of us will hope that you will exercise enough intellect to stay away from the list that has Giani Zail Singh and Fakruddin Ali Ahmed.

In the order of priority, the constitution of India stands way above any party affiliations. Hope you shall keep that in mind the next five years....

Enjoy your stay at the Rashtrapati Bhavan...

A lesson in humility

I approach another intersection and the signal turns red. The vehicles behind me continue to honk urging me to jump the signal. After a while, they give up. I look around and see an autorickshaw to my right, the driver is revving up the engine in anticipation of the green. Behind me is a bus that is packed with people who are jostling for space. A couple of two wheelers squeeze in between me and the auto. The Indian streets are always busy. Everyone seems to be in a hurry to go somewhere.

For me, driving through this mess called the traffic causes enough frustration and anguish but surprisingly in a strange way, it allows me to relax and at times even put things in perspective. Among other things, the Indian streets teach a lesson in humility.

Unlike many other countries where strict rules ensure that everybody complies with the discipline needed to maintain smooth traffic flow, Indian traffic is mostly a self adjusting organism that offers unparalleled flexibility at the cost of unbridled chaos and inefficiency (We don’t have traffic rules only suggestions).

In this motley mix of vehicles and drivers, it does not matter who the individual is because once a driver hits the streets, he becomes a part of the traffic organism merging into the whims and fancies of the entity. So irrespective of his social standing or his intellectual accomplishments, he is ‘normalized’ into the system.

A professor holding a PhD or a businessman driving a Mercedes or a movie star will still have to sway to the diktats of say an auto driver cutting across the streets or a dilapidated truck in the middle of the road that just does not seem to move uphill holding up everyone behind it.

How so important a person might be, the traffic organism ensures that he is brought down to the minimum workable levels on the streets. The traffic IQ is determined by the operational IQ of the least aware individuals comprising it and thus ensuring that the rest are browbeaten to those levels of operation.

Ironically this is a lesson in humility. In a strange way, the Indian traffic lets you know that on the streets you are but an ordinary person shorn of all individuality.

The signal turns green and honking begins from behind. I shift into gear and move ahead as I maneuver through the chaos ahead…

Presidency

"I talk to dead people". No, this is not a line from a Shyamalan movie. But this is what possibly our future president is believed to have told (atleast the gist of it) in a public forum. I don't know much about Pratibha Patil but what I do know is that she will have to get a lot smarter at what comes out of her mouth if she has to pull off the presidency of India. She is being touted as the first woman president if and when she gets into Rashtrapathi Bhavan, though this is purely an outcome of political compromises between the coalition parties rather than a concerted effort towards finding a woman for the president's job.

Not withstanding the spate of allegations and the skeletons in the cupboard that have started spilling out, if she does get elected, the onus will be on her to decide what kind of president she wants to be. Does she want us to be proud of our first woman president or cringe in embarrassment ?. Ms.Patil, we hope you realize that whatever your personal beliefs might be on realm of the supernatural, it would still not behoove a president who represents the Union of India to be taking such flights of fancy in public.

Remember, your predecessor was a scientist of excellent repute. A man well liked by middle class India which saw in Dr.Kalam a brilliant,hardworking and committed fellow middle class Indian who achieved the highest office of the land.

Do you really want history to record that India's presidency moved from a rocket scientist to someone who thinks dead people speak to her ?. Please cleanup your act Ms.Patil and in the meantime get yourself some good speech writers...Good luck

Crazy Thoughts

It so happens that sometimes I begin thinking (I admit it does have a strain on me) and this time I came up with some completely zany ideas to help improve the state of affairs in this country. And as usual, they make a lot more sense if you read this after a glass of wine (how much sense? depends on how large the glass is). Here goes

1. Remove all traffic rules but give everyone a gun. This way all the aggressive drivers will eliminate each other over time and we will end up with docile, law abiding citizens. We can then bring back the traffic rules.

2. All water sharing disputes shall be handled by water rationing. Every individual will get water in proportion to his IQ. So in about two weeks, we would have got rid of all politicians after which the dispute will get automatically resolved.

3. Corruption should be permitted but the catch is that the person who has accumulated the maximum bribe for that month shall be hanged from the nearest lamppost. So if you are corrupt, you only have to make sure that you take one rupee less than your colleagues.

4. All communities that ask for, shall be granted reservations on a first come first serve basis. But reservation status over the years shall be determined by the total tax paid by all the members of the community. If the tax numbers are below expectations, it means that reservations have not worked for them and the community shall be removed from the list and the status will pass on to the next in line.

5. The planet ‘Uranus’ shall be renamed to ‘Ureyes’ this will help in replacing disturbing images that flash by your mind by more pleasant ones whenever you are talking about this planet. Ok, this has nothing to do with our country but will help the whole of mankind in general.

Do you have any crazy thoughts yourself? If so, share them here and let’s see if you are as cuckoo as I am or if your wine glass is as large as mine…

Update Post - Infrastructure Woes

There is a thin line between humour and prediction. A couple of months ago, I had uploaded a post titled 'Infratructure Woes'. Looks like someone else at CNN-IBN thought on similar lines.

Check this out http://in.news.yahoo.com/070603/211/6gld6.html

For the record, it was me who first thought of this brain dead idea...where is my royalty cheque Mr.Sardesai !!

Maya

Everyone has a story, stories that intersect those of someone else at different points of time. How many of our stories have triggered completely new ones for so many others?. The stories happen all the time and will continue to do so long after we are gone.

We have always strived to understand this, not the stories themselves but why they have so many ramifications on so many people. The explanations are beyond science and into the realms of philosophy.

In India, one of the oft quoted philosophies is Maya. The world is thought to be an illusion. I am uncomfortable with this thinking. There are so many things happening all the time and yet people philosophize that it’s all an illusion. So is the Hiroshima bombing or the holocaust or the carnage that followed the partition an illusion ?. Yes say the proponents, it is but God’s will. Once you bring God into the picture any objective discussion of Maya ends since you can pretty much attribute any nonsense to God and end all questioning.

The concept of Maya is very interesting and I have come to appreciate it by looking at it differently.

Everything seems real, is real and is life for each one of us. It is the truth called ‘Maya’. Maya is the emergent behavior of the world where each of the components is too trivial to make a difference by itself but when they come together create a complex, ever changing, ever dynamic system that beats all efforts to understand it. This is when the behavior of the system far extends beyond just the sum of behaviors of the participants and no individual can have any control over it. This system of constant churning of life is what we know as Samsara.

Believing that Maya is about illusion and nothing is real is a mistake and is actually an over simplification of Maya. Yes, it is about illusion, an illusion that one person is bigger than the system, an illusion that one individual has control over Samsara. But it is also about reality. For me, Maya denies nothing, the pains are real, the pleasures are real, the senses are real and the events are real. The Samsara is real and so is our bondage to it.

Each of us affects the Samsara by our actions and thereby influencing the outcome of events in subtle ways. We can only control our behavior but not that of the Samsara. The melting pot of chaos and order brought about by actions of each one of us, our karma, is what defines Maya – the effects of karma on Samsara.

It is impossible for anyone to conquer Maya. People have tried and have failed. From God incarnates to spiritual leaders, from political giants to tyrant dictators have all tried to promulgate a homogeneous way of thought and action and have failed. The attempts will endure and the failures will continue.

Maya is the illusion of reality

Uncomfortable moments

Uncomfortable Moment 1

It so often happens in the workplace when you see this other colleague walking your way, both of you know each other but not enough to stop and have a conversation. That leaves just a smile and a ‘hi’. But the important part is the timing of when you do that. If you have eye contact too early when the other person is still a distance away, then you will be forced to say ‘hi’ much earlier and then keep smiling on and off till you both pass each other, an awkward situation for both. So we normally pretend that we haven’t seen the other person and continue to walk towards each other, developing an interest in the paint on the walls or a new found fascination for the shape of the tiles on the floor and then when we are close enough, acknowledge each other and get done with the mandatory smiles.

Uncomfortable Moment 2

How many times have you spoken to someone but for the life of you cannot recall the person’s name. But by then you have spoken long enough and you have passed the moment where you can ask their name. So it would continue when you meet the person again, since you did not ask the first time, it would be too embarrassing to ask for their name now. In my case, I would meet this one person on the bus whose name I could never remember. Once I asked him for his email address, hoping that it would have his name and not some weird id like voodooprince@yahoo. It worked, the id did have his name that I promptly forgot soon after. I met him again on the bus a few months down the line, now I could not use the email id trick, so this time I asked him for his visiting card, it worked again but I soon lost the card (seriously how many visiting cards have you retained) and forgot his name yet again. I don’t know what I would do if I bump into him the next time (one can ask for visiting cards and email addresses only so many times without sounding creepy)

Uncomfortable Moment 3

This is another incident on the bus where I saw this young lady boarding the bus and as all the seats were taken, she remained standing. I was seated and on seeing this women, I was in a dilemma of whether to give up my seat for her or not (hold your thoughts, it had nothing do with trying to get attention alright). See, this lady had a slight paunch and the problem was that I was not sure whether she was pregnant or she was merely skipping her gym classes. If I did give up my seat and the lady was not pregnant, she would feel pretty bad and I could end up feeling stupid (it’s not like I gave up my seat to a senior citizen). So considering the pros and cons, I decided to remain seated and hoped I was right. Well, a few months down the line, I saw this woman again and it was apparent she was indeed pregnant. I still feel bad about not having given up my seat that day.

So much for those uncomfortable moments we all encounter. Do you have any?. By the way, come to think of it, voodooprince is a great mail id to have.

Remembering Ramanujan

“An equation to me is meaningless unless it expresses a thought of God” – Srinivasa Ramanujan (Dec 22 1887 – April 26 1920 )

A man whose leaps of inspiration enriched the domain of number theory so much so that research into his works are still in progress. Only as recently as February, a group of mathematicians announced that they have finally solved the mystery of the mock theta functions that Ramanujan wrote about, just two months before his demise (http://www.news.wisc.edu/13497.html).

It has been almost a hundred years now since he parted ways with the world and we are yet to see a genius of his caliber in mathematics from India. We do keep reading about precocious kids who can add and multiply numbers really fast and somehow this gets portrayed as mathematics. These gifted people however extraordinary they may seem make no more mathematicians as knowing the names of planes makes one a pilot.

It is a pity that we have not been able to produce another genius of his kind in all these years. We may have not uncovered many Ramanujans who have faded into obscurity and mediocrity due to lack of encouragement and focus.

The current education system does not offer this luxury. We almost lost Ramanujan to the rigidity of the system.

Ramanujan was never able to pass his higher education simply because the system refused to take cognizance of his genius in mathematics and insisted that he pass every subject in his course. It was only persistence on his part and that of his friends, most notably Professor Hardy that he was able to achieve what he did in his brief lifetime.

The gift of mathematics is a rare one indeed and it would be a shame if we let these prodigies go undetected or force fitted to be compliant with the crowd around them. Because when it comes to mathematics, there are only two kinds of people…those who know maths and those who don’t. And we simply cannot afford to lose those who know….

This post is in memory of the genius that was Ramanujan.

Post Script: If you would like to know more, I strongly recommend the book ‘The man who knew infinity’ by Robert Kanigel. It is one of the best biographies I have read. Kanigel has handled some of the sensibilities and the problems unique to the Indian psyche extremely well without being judgmental about them.

Me and the stock market

The first rule of the stock market is “There is no stock price so low that you cant buy some more before it gets even lower” - yeah, you can quote me on this.

This has been my mantra for stock market investments and it has not failed me ever. Today, I can claim to have discovered the fastest way to turn 100 bucks to 30 and it’s tax free !!!. Even a ring tailed lemur can invest better than I can.

I shall share some tips of investing that you can follow to automatically qualify for membership to my ‘Ring tailed lemurs may be smarter than us but at least we watch CNBC’ club.

But before investing in the stock market, you need to understand some basics of how the market works. Basically, the market is a vast right wing conspiracy that works exclusively to spite you. Secondly, the market does not care how intelligent you are but if you are consistently loosing money, then in all probability, you are a moron.

Now that we have our basics out of the way, let’s get to the actual investment strategies. The idea is that you narrow down on some select stocks that you would want to invest in and then finally choose one. There are a couple of approaches to do this.

The first approach is to discuss stocks with your friends. Keep track of how many jargons your friends use and the one who uses the most should be considered the wisest and his or her advice should be followed without question. I have listed some useful jargons and how to interpret them, for your convenience

‘PE Ratio’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Book Value’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Sensex’ – ‘Who the hell is sen and why do I care about his personal life ? ’

Another approach is to listen to a set of people known as ‘investment advisers’. Investment advisers combine years of experience with naturally occurring stupidity and come up with advice that ring tailed lemurs are extremely wary of.

Having chosen either of these approaches, by now you should have narrowed down on a set of stocks. To pick one, there are various scientific methods to go by. You could use complicated chart analysis techniques or thorough reading of the company’s balance sheets. But the most successful method involves a coin.

Once you pick the stock (you should use the coin multiple times to verify that your choice is indeed correct), invest as much money as you can afford. However it is strongly advised that you keep some money aside for purposes that will become clear as you read on.

After you have put in the money comes the most important part of investing which really is a test of your character. Markets always reward patience. So you patiently wait and wait and wait till....the next market crash. And then rush like mad and sell everything you have bought.

It is natural that you will be pretty depressed about all the money you lost but remember we, wisely, did set some money aside earlier to handle this very situation. Now, you take that money and head to the nearest bar.

That’s about all there is to the stock market. In short, it’s the most expensive way to get sloshed….

So liked my advice? Welcome to the club...hey, it is happy hours at the pub down the street…

Infratructure Woes

Picture this, you are driving along on the flyover on Richmond circle and right there, bang in the middle of the stretch, without any warning you see…that’s right....Sunil Shetty doing the Macarena…ha ha, I am kidding of course, we all know Sunil Shetty can’t dance. Seriously, you would see a traffic signal.

A traffic signal on top of a flyover !!. Pardon my nitpicking but aren’t flyovers built to avoid traffic signals ?. This is a clear indication that we need to proactively address the issue of crumbling infrastructure in Bangalore. We must act immediately.

Now that we have decided to do something, we can feel good about ourselves and go back to our daily lives. No wait !!, this time we all have to chip in if we have any hope of preventing Sunil Shetty from dancing or improving the state of roads here.

Before beginning any activity, it is important to have what is called a 'plan', this is a document that would clearly list all the people who we can blame if we fail.

Once we have done that, the next step is to come up with an estimate. An estimate is a number that is arrived at after a detailed analysis of the existing problems. Analysis basically comes from two latin words 'anal' and 'lysis' where 'lysis' means 'Pulling a number from your'. This has been the time tested approach of coming up with a number as demonstrated by stock market analysts.

After a thorough analysis, we have arrived at a number – 35476. We now need to figure out what this number represents. For all we know, it might be the number of roads, the number of traffic signals or the number of products that Amitabh Bachhan currently endorses.

For the sake of clarity, we shall assume that it indicates the number of potholes and proceed to the execution of the plan.

As a first step, we shall demand vociferously that the name of the city be changed. This will not help the potholes, but will divert attention long enough for us to think of what we should do next. The new name should contain an extra alphabet that subtly alters the phonetic and shall buy us time while people are trying to learn how to pronounce it. I recommend the use of the letter ‘x’, it is the most under utilized alphabet in the English language and it will also feel a lot better in the company of the other ‘high achiever’ alphabets.

In the meantime, I have an excellent idea to handle the potholes. If we can’t get rid of them, we will try to get people to like them. This can be accomplished by naming every pothole in the city and thus giving it an identity. It is a scientifically proven fact that people will begin to like even the most expressionless, inanimate objects as long as it has a name. It can be any name like, say for example, John Abraham. People will thus gradually begin bonding with the potholes that are on their routes and any subsequent attempt to fix them will draw a protest from Arundhati Roy alleging human rights violation.

That then, dear friends, is my master plan for fixing Bangalore’s infrastructure. As for me, it is time to introduce the shock absorbers of my car to ‘Bunty’ on my way home…

The joy of bird watching

My latest hobby is bird watching. Did you know that crows and parrots are not the only birds around ?. Yeah I know, I was astounded as well. Apparently, there are many more species. So apart from crows and parrots, I can now identify blue birds (“Hey look, blue bird !!”), green birds (“Wow, green bird !!”) and ostriches. Though there are not many ostriches near where I stay, I am sure if one of them strays in from Africa, I will be able to recognize it (“Hey look, Mallika Sherawat !!, Oh wait, those are ostrich legs”)

I am sure you are just as amazed as I am by this incredible knowledge that I seem to have amassed on birds. All thanks to this field guide I bought a few weeks ago. The only problem is that the damn birds never appear in the order that they are illustrated in the book. And there always seems to be some subtle difference between what’s illustrated and the bird that I am looking at like a white spot near the tail that’s not there in the book. For all I know, the bird might have sat on a piece of chalk and here am really excited that it’s a new species and will probably be named after me or my pen name ( 'newbirdus apremeyas' ) but no such luck so far.

So during the weekend, I go around with a pair of binoculars around my neck looking intently at the bird on the wire only to realize that it’s a crow (“Hey look, black bird”) and also realize that there are a bunch of people looking intently at me wondering what kind of a dork looks at a crow with binoculars. “I am trying to find out if it’s a male or a female”, I say trying to avoid the embarrassment. They laugh. Next time, I am going to use the binoculars on them.

The basic idea of bird identification is that when you spot a bird, you rapidly go through every page of your field guide and try to match the bird with every picture in the book and the moment you get a match, you have the bird. I understand this is not the most efficient method and it can get frustrating and hence it is important to buy at least fifteen field guides, I am already on my fourth. It is not easy and at least on two occasions, I matched women in saris to peacocks, not to mention the risk of looking at them through my binoculars.

No folks, bird watching has its risks and it is not for the faint hearted. But when done right, which I am working on, it can be a really fulfilling experience. Oh there, at last I think I see a peacock, where are my binoculars….

Cinema , the great entertainer

A few weeks ago, I was unfortunate enough to watch another
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.

The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.

The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.

Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)

To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.

Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.

The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)

Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.

At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.

This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).

Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.

We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.

Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.

"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).

But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.

So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...

A weekend with Snakes

After a long time, I had the opportunity to do something I have wanted to for a really long time...to attend a herpetology workshop. No, it has nothing to do with herpes and no, it is not the study of your girlfriend's pets either. It is the study of snakes(actually reptiles and amphibians) and being interested in them from my childhood, I signed up, I also signed my will you know..just in case. It was a three day workshop held by Gerry Martin (if you watch National Geographic, you probably recall that he had his own show for sometime). It was at a farm near Hunsur, in a place called Ratnapuri. The farm abuts a lake and this was an ideal habitat for snakes.

Some of you probably have that look on your face which says how can he even like those slimy, disgusting crawling creatures. Hey, I don't like politicians too but we are talking about snakes here, people. Please stay focused.

I was also secretly hoping that one of these snakes would turn into a beautiful damsel. Hindi movies have shown that this is possible and I see no reason to disbelieve them. I know you are thinking "What a dope, he really thinks a snake is going to turn into Sridevi !!!...what if the snake is male ?". I admit, you have a very valid point there but that's a risk I was willing to take.

The three day workshop dealt with the introductory aspects of snake handling. The first day, we had the opportunity to listen to 'snake shyam' (who was also featured on National Geographic). He drives an auto for a living but rescues snakes for a life. He is quite a character, rings on all his fingers, trinkets and chains around his neck and wrists, long locks of hair and a beard and mustache giving his signature looks. He mentioned an amusing incident, apparently in a fancy dress competition one of the kids who had dressed up like him got the first place while the Jawaharlal Nehru costume came in second. Anyway, it was fun listening to his talk.

Over the next couple of days, we got to handle rat snakes, green vine snakes, checkered keelbacks and of course, the cobras. We learnt how to pick up a cobra using a snake hook and then bag it safely. The Russel's Viper though was out of bounds for us. Gerry demonstrated how to bag one but we were not allowed to try. I got to try picking up a rat snake and I did so many mistakes that if it were a cobra and if you were mentioned in my will, you would be rich by now. Later, I also tried bagging a cobra and it was a pretty exhilarating experience for a first timer.

Finally, the three days were over and it was time to head back home. Back to the city, back to traffic and now back to work. It was a great weekend and worth every moment of it.

Culture and Change

Given enough time, any system of practices tends to degrade and lose the essence for which it was created in the first place. And no where else has it manifested itself so apparently as in India. A country where rituals abound and sheer force of habit overcomes reason.

I still remember from school, one stanza from Tagore’s Gitanjali that went something like ‘Where the clear stream of reason has not lost its way into the dreary desert sand of dead habit’. It makes as much sense now as it did when Tagore wrote those lines.

A change in thinking can come about either organically (from within the society, but without explicit effort this would be a pretty slow process since it takes someone to question existing norms and also be influential enough to change them) or the change can come inorganically (if the society comes to interact with another society with a different set of ideas). To quote Swami Vivekananda "There is not one single instance of any civilisation being spontaneous. There was not a race in the world which became civilised unless another civilised race came and mingled with that race." (Complete Works of Swami Vivekananda - Volume 2 - 'Hints on Practical Spirituality’).

It is probably an exaggeration but nonetheless holds truth. Though, he was speaking about this in a spiritual context, it holds just as true when applied to the social context as well.

The United States would probably serve as a very good example in how they have been able to attract talent from different cultures and have been able to forge ahead of most countries.

The British rule of India was one such interaction where we were exposed to a new culture. To their credit, the British were the first to outlaw the barbaric act of sati and among other things introduce English education in India. Raja Ram Mohan Roy’s exposure to western ideas came in handy in shaping his outlook and his reform movement. I would assume the British too had a lot to learn (eastern spirituality, yoga etc).

Today, the Internet is emerging as the virtual civilisation which is constantly evolving and presenting new vistas of thought that can influence and mould behavior of individuals. The beauty of the internet is that people do not actually have to mingle with each other to influence one another. The Internet is probably the most conducive environment (albeit limited in its reach currently) for the creation of new ‘memes’ or for the diffusion of existing ones. Meme mutation is best accomplished by exposure to newer meme sets and the Internet is playing a small but increasingly significant part in this memetic evolution.

A more powerful and effective agency of meme evaluation is the education system. I believe that an atmosphere that allows questioning of preexisting notions should bring about more objective thinking among the participants. This culture of open discussions and objective debates can be nurtured best by incorporating such an approach in our education system wherein our students are encouraged to debate and discuss on issues in an objective way rather than simply accept the things as they are taught. Thus giving an opportunity for examining existing meme sets and either accept or reject them.

This helps create a progressive environment where it becomes possible to scrutinize and hopefully eliminate defective practices and belief sets, thereby evolving popular culture.

In memory of a legend

59 years ago on this day, three bullets from a 9mm beretta ended the life of one of the greatest men ever to have walked on earth. A man whose power of convictions changed the destiny of a nation.

I am an unabashed admirer of the Mahatma.

From my childhood days, I have held Gandhi in high regard. Initially, it was mostly because of what I was told in school. I must confess for a very brief period in school, I did switch over to the other side - that of Gandhi bashers (you see, talking peace and non violence were for wimps and I did not want to be one).

As I read more about this man, what struck me most was his stubbornness of holding on to a principle no matter what the odds. My respect turned into awe. He was fighting a political cause and yet today one can still find books on him in the 'Philosophy' section. It is common to hear Indians referring to 'Rama, Krishna, Gandhi and Buddha' in the same breath. Remember, the other three are generally regarded as Gods and we have a politician creeping into this list.

Christians believe that Christ died on the cross for our sins. As a non-christian, I have not been able to really comprehend that line of thinking. But when I think of Gandhi and how he was killed by someone with an outlook a lot more limited than his, I can understand what christian thought implies.

Once during a short visit to Sydney, on my way back to the Sydney Airport, I tried chatting up with the cab driver who happened to be Turkish and I mentioned about the Australia India cricket match that was being played that day. His reaction was something I least expected, he got pretty wild at cricket, cursing(using some flowery invectives) that this was a game invented by the British and questioned how as an Indian and having been subjugated by them can I still retain love for their game.

The hatred that this man had towards the British is something that I can never share. Violence always leaves a bitter relationship that persists across a much longer time period than the violence itself. Today, if Indians do not harbour animosity towards the British, it is simply because of the efforts of one man who had the courage to act different.

The India today though, still has it's moods of violence, a lot of mess that existed before continues to exist now. The silver lining is that if in spite of all the rot the Indian society is steeped in, if we can have a Gandhi coming out of it, then we must be doing something right.

In 1948 the Nobel Committee decided not to award the Nobel Peace Prize to anyone on the grounds that "there was no suitable living candidate". Gandhi not being awarded the Nobel prize is perhaps the best thing that the Nobel committee has done. Awarding him would have been like trying to measure the earth with a foot long scale.

I do believe that Gandhi was not correct in all his stands and he made his set of mistakes as well but what he did achieve and advocate were far greater than his failures.

Strength comes not from the ability to destroy but from the ability to protect and there in lies the greatness of this man.

Come back Bapu, we need you now as much we have ever needed you before...

A paradigm shift

In the corporate world of hectic activity and perpetual deadlines, it is always a challenge to keep expectations realistic and ensure that employees have some time for themselves. Work-life balance is an oft heard term to define this line between public and private time. In pursuit of this balance, some limit themselves to merely "doing their job" as defined by their roles.

Individual capability will vary but what is important is that each of us should add value to the system. Every small job well done will add that much more credibility to the system and greatly improves the quality perception about the individual and the establishment as a whole.

Perceptions (like stereotypes) are built at a micro level but are applied at the macro level. When you walk into a restaurant and the waiter at your table is rude, the conclusion that you would draw is that this restaurant is no good. One single incident by one badly behaved waiter is enough to trigger a general conclusion about the whole restaurant. What holds good for an eat-out holds good for a corporate and a country (of course the number of experiences with a corporate or within a country are orders of magnitude greater than an eatery and one single incident may not cause as much harm as it would to a smaller establishment. However the fundamentals are the same).

In effect, each of us has to realize that we do not just do a job, we create an experience for somebody else and the quality of that experience is going to determine the perception about the company that we work for and if, like me, you are in a country where work has been outsourced to, then it creates a perception about the country as well.

Work-life balance is important but keep in mind that just like your personal life, your work too is based on creating positive experiences for the people who have a stake in what you do (be it customers, your team members or anybody else). This will help build credibility about you and about the system that you work in.

We should stop looking at ourselves as defined by the roles of our jobs (say as software developers or project managers or waiters or salesmen and so on) but instead look at the kind of experience that our roles allow us to create for the stake holders. We should see ourselves as 'experience providers' and act accordingly.

This is the paradigm shift that we should bring about in ourselves.

Here goes

Finally found time to create a blog for myself. The challenge is to ensure that i post something regularly which of course nobody would care to read. Not that it really matters since I am..hmm..creating content on the Internet (according to the Time magazine is the reason why all of us internet users have been chosen as the 2006 Person of the year, which shows that they are running out of ideas as well).

If you are here because of some aimless surfing, feel free to go browse some actually useful information elsewhere. But if for some bizarre reason, you are interested in this blog, do check back occasionally.

Congrats for getting this far and thanks...