Picture this, you are driving along on the flyover on Richmond circle and right there, bang in the middle of the stretch, without any warning you see…that’s right....Sunil Shetty doing the Macarena…ha ha, I am kidding of course, we all know Sunil Shetty can’t dance. Seriously, you would see a traffic signal.
A traffic signal on top of a flyover !!. Pardon my nitpicking but aren’t flyovers built to avoid traffic signals ?. This is a clear indication that we need to proactively address the issue of crumbling infrastructure in Bangalore. We must act immediately.
Now that we have decided to do something, we can feel good about ourselves and go back to our daily lives. No wait !!, this time we all have to chip in if we have any hope of preventing Sunil Shetty from dancing or improving the state of roads here.
Before beginning any activity, it is important to have what is called a 'plan', this is a document that would clearly list all the people who we can blame if we fail.
Once we have done that, the next step is to come up with an estimate. An estimate is a number that is arrived at after a detailed analysis of the existing problems. Analysis basically comes from two latin words 'anal' and 'lysis' where 'lysis' means 'Pulling a number from your'. This has been the time tested approach of coming up with a number as demonstrated by stock market analysts.
After a thorough analysis, we have arrived at a number – 35476. We now need to figure out what this number represents. For all we know, it might be the number of roads, the number of traffic signals or the number of products that Amitabh Bachhan currently endorses.
For the sake of clarity, we shall assume that it indicates the number of potholes and proceed to the execution of the plan.
As a first step, we shall demand vociferously that the name of the city be changed. This will not help the potholes, but will divert attention long enough for us to think of what we should do next. The new name should contain an extra alphabet that subtly alters the phonetic and shall buy us time while people are trying to learn how to pronounce it. I recommend the use of the letter ‘x’, it is the most under utilized alphabet in the English language and it will also feel a lot better in the company of the other ‘high achiever’ alphabets.
In the meantime, I have an excellent idea to handle the potholes. If we can’t get rid of them, we will try to get people to like them. This can be accomplished by naming every pothole in the city and thus giving it an identity. It is a scientifically proven fact that people will begin to like even the most expressionless, inanimate objects as long as it has a name. It can be any name like, say for example, John Abraham. People will thus gradually begin bonding with the potholes that are on their routes and any subsequent attempt to fix them will draw a protest from Arundhati Roy alleging human rights violation.
That then, dear friends, is my master plan for fixing Bangalore’s infrastructure. As for me, it is time to introduce the shock absorbers of my car to ‘Bunty’ on my way home…
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Monday, March 12, 2007
The joy of bird watching
My latest hobby is bird watching. Did you know that crows and parrots are not the only birds around ?. Yeah I know, I was astounded as well. Apparently, there are many more species. So apart from crows and parrots, I can now identify blue birds (“Hey look, blue bird !!”), green birds (“Wow, green bird !!”) and ostriches. Though there are not many ostriches near where I stay, I am sure if one of them strays in from Africa, I will be able to recognize it (“Hey look, Mallika Sherawat !!, Oh wait, those are ostrich legs”)
I am sure you are just as amazed as I am by this incredible knowledge that I seem to have amassed on birds. All thanks to this field guide I bought a few weeks ago. The only problem is that the damn birds never appear in the order that they are illustrated in the book. And there always seems to be some subtle difference between what’s illustrated and the bird that I am looking at like a white spot near the tail that’s not there in the book. For all I know, the bird might have sat on a piece of chalk and here am really excited that it’s a new species and will probably be named after me or my pen name ( 'newbirdus apremeyas' ) but no such luck so far.
So during the weekend, I go around with a pair of binoculars around my neck looking intently at the bird on the wire only to realize that it’s a crow (“Hey look, black bird”) and also realize that there are a bunch of people looking intently at me wondering what kind of a dork looks at a crow with binoculars. “I am trying to find out if it’s a male or a female”, I say trying to avoid the embarrassment. They laugh. Next time, I am going to use the binoculars on them.
The basic idea of bird identification is that when you spot a bird, you rapidly go through every page of your field guide and try to match the bird with every picture in the book and the moment you get a match, you have the bird. I understand this is not the most efficient method and it can get frustrating and hence it is important to buy at least fifteen field guides, I am already on my fourth. It is not easy and at least on two occasions, I matched women in saris to peacocks, not to mention the risk of looking at them through my binoculars.
No folks, bird watching has its risks and it is not for the faint hearted. But when done right, which I am working on, it can be a really fulfilling experience. Oh there, at last I think I see a peacock, where are my binoculars….
I am sure you are just as amazed as I am by this incredible knowledge that I seem to have amassed on birds. All thanks to this field guide I bought a few weeks ago. The only problem is that the damn birds never appear in the order that they are illustrated in the book. And there always seems to be some subtle difference between what’s illustrated and the bird that I am looking at like a white spot near the tail that’s not there in the book. For all I know, the bird might have sat on a piece of chalk and here am really excited that it’s a new species and will probably be named after me or my pen name ( 'newbirdus apremeyas' ) but no such luck so far.
So during the weekend, I go around with a pair of binoculars around my neck looking intently at the bird on the wire only to realize that it’s a crow (“Hey look, black bird”) and also realize that there are a bunch of people looking intently at me wondering what kind of a dork looks at a crow with binoculars. “I am trying to find out if it’s a male or a female”, I say trying to avoid the embarrassment. They laugh. Next time, I am going to use the binoculars on them.
The basic idea of bird identification is that when you spot a bird, you rapidly go through every page of your field guide and try to match the bird with every picture in the book and the moment you get a match, you have the bird. I understand this is not the most efficient method and it can get frustrating and hence it is important to buy at least fifteen field guides, I am already on my fourth. It is not easy and at least on two occasions, I matched women in saris to peacocks, not to mention the risk of looking at them through my binoculars.
No folks, bird watching has its risks and it is not for the faint hearted. But when done right, which I am working on, it can be a really fulfilling experience. Oh there, at last I think I see a peacock, where are my binoculars….
Monday, March 5, 2007
Cinema , the great entertainer
A few weeks ago, I was unfortunate enough to watch another
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.
The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.
The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.
Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)
To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.
Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.
The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)
Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.
At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.
This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).
Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.
We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.
Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.
"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).
But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.
So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.
The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.
The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.
Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)
To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.
Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.
The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)
Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.
At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.
This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).
Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.
We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.
Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.
"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).
But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.
So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...
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