Morning Travails

There is a profound ancient Chinese proverb that goes "Never overestimate the amount of toothpaste left in the tube". Oh alright, it is not ancient nor is it Chinese, I just made it up. We all know that ancient Chinese never brushed their teeth, that's why they invented toothpicks.

But you have to admit that it is profound. Anybody who has made the mistake of not buying a new tube until it is too late realizes the grave implication of running out of paste.

I ended up in that situation. Every morning, there was this harmless, innocent looking tube slowly being drained off its contents. And with each passing day, the tube became more and more disfigured and it literally seemed to beg to be delivered from its misery. But I continued to ignore all the warning signs. I would battle heroically to cajole the last remnants of paste out of its badly beaten body until it relented and gave in. So each day, the tube would end up in a different shape than the previous day, sometimes like a pear, sometimes like 3.2 and sometimes like Tushar Kapoor with a bad hip problem.

But today, I just could not succeed in spite of trying a two pronged approach which involved stomping and yelling in turns. However nothing worked and I was forced to do what any self respecting man would have done, use an alternative instead....soap !!. Hey, it works for the body, why not for the mouth. But it turns out that self respecting men are morons. Soap is a bad idea especially if you use the same one that you wash your clothes with...and you can't enjoy eating it either. Apparently, they never thought of making it taste good, just in case somebody wants to use it to…you know…not wash clothes.

Anyway, after a long battle with foam, I finally finished brushing. For what it's worth, I have learnt my lesson now....I have decided that such a thing will never come to pass again. Next time, I am trying shampoo instead...

And if you are complaining that toothpicks are not exactly a Chinese invention, all I say to you is "May you run out of paste"

Media Mania

Am I the only one or is television really getting on everyone's nerves. May be we should conduct a poll on that one or better still get a panel of experts (aka anyone with an opinion) to discuss this for two hours. Not to mention, the constant stream of captioning that scrolls across the screen keeping me abreast of all information that I don't care jack about.

Breaking news....

We interrupt this post to inform you that Aishwarya Rai may have sprained her left ankle or her brain, we need to figure out which is which.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.


Like I was saying, this mad race for TRP has resulted in every channel throwing up all kinds of tabloid programming. And the one true channel that was known for its daring exposés has been banned for three months, oh how I miss FTV.

In fact, sometimes I almost crave for the pre cable days when we had just our dear old doordarshan and its lone channel keeping us ecstatic with never ending entertainment - 3 hours of programming every evening. I especially remember the news readers who had the uncanny knack of taking the most exciting news and reading it out like their grandmother just died.

“India won the world cup today but don’t you dare celebrate since the expression on my face clearly suggests that I have been constipated for a few weeks now”

So during news hour, I would change the channel and watch static instead…

Oh well, those were the days. Even now, I change channels but now I have to do it a 100 times over, cycling through mounds of programming crap before arriving at where I started. Only this time, the magic of remote control allows me to do that from my couch (I am willing to bet that the remote was invented by a man, of course man invented the war as well...we men aren’t particularly bright that way).

Anyway, frequently I hit a channel showing an infomercial where someone is trying to sell me a machine that will give me great abs or if I am a woman, will give me fantastic hips (I wonder how it knows and what if it makes a mistake). And then there is Ekta Kapoor and her soaps, somewhere there is a circus out there that is looking out for its missing clown.

So finally, I turn to the discovery channel for salvation only to see an episode on frogs making out. Hell, can’t a person get some decent entertainment on TV anymore that does not involve magic pills, lousy soaps, repetitive news or humping amphibians…

I have decided to go back to reading, it is less noisy and I get to learn a lot.....where is the TV guide??

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