“How times have changed” I tell myself as I reminisce on the past while also thanking the autocorrect feature for fixing my spelling of reminisce.
The reason for this attack of nostalgia is that a few weeks ago, I met up with a couple of my friends. And soon we were talking about...well...cholesterol levels, blood pressure, and hair line issues.
Heck, fifteen years ago, the same group, and we would talk about career, ambition and possibility of winning the Nobel Prize (if by any chance they decide to create a “pretty unimpressive in whatever he does” category).
In a span of fifteen years, we have gone from winning the Nobel Prize to avoiding stairs.
I cannot help thinking, a few decades down the line if we all got together, what would our conversation be like
AG: “The hip replacement surgery went well, you should see my new hip, it’s awesome”
SV: “That’s nothing, you should see my new dentures, they are awesome”
Me: “Well, you should see my six pack abs, they are awesome”
Well, as long as I am making up stuff, I reserve the right to create imaginary six packs for an eighty year old me. And don’t you dare complain or I will give you senile dementia, it’s my blog after all.
But age does sneak up on all of us. The secret is to stop counting the years.
Wait, that sounded more insightful than I what I was aiming for. What I meant was, to stop counting the years and add the months instead.
“How old are you ?”
“I am 29”
“What !!!”
“and 84 months”
Because it is always the years that people are concerned with and not the months.
But there is an upside to getting older, somehow whatever the elderly say seem to carry a little more weight. Picture yourself conversing with an eighty year old.
“The dress sense of the youth of this country is going to dogs”
“I am sure you are right sir”
“The fiscal policy needs restructuring”
“Yes sir absolutely”
“Sunny Leone is super hot”
“Huh !..what a creepy old man”
Well, as we can see, it does not work always. With all due respect to the temperature increasing abilities of Sunny Leone, eighty year olds should stick to making observations on the sad state of youth today which we can all ignore as effects of senile dementia.
So while getting older has its benefits, it also comes with some caveats. The trick is in knowing when to stop blabbering, just like in the case of this post.
If somehow you found this post juvenile, that is because I am just 15...and...
Showing posts with label Laugh Out Loud. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Laugh Out Loud. Show all posts
Monday, June 10, 2013
Friday, January 21, 2011
Show me some ID
Working for a corporate, you pick some habits over time that can make you look like an idiot outside the office. I am talking about the ID tags that we use to open doors at work. I am so used to flashing my badge every time I see a door that a few days ago, I was in front of a door that refused to open inspite of me flashing my badge repeatedly. It took me a full minute to realize that I was outside my home trying to open the main door. I figured using my key would be better idea.
And then there are times when you go out to a nice restaurant for lunch, the kind of place where the waiters are better dressed than you (in my case that includes pretty much all restaurants and some road side stalls as well), the moment the waiter sees a badge on you, you can perceive the slight change in expression on his face. In his eyes, you are immediately relegated from an esteemed customer to well…corporate sheep. So a word of caution, remember to always hide your badge when eating out.
Since we are talking about badges, I might as well give you another piece of advice.
All you men out there who work for corporates - Please wear your ID badges around your neck instead of clipping it on to your belt.
And here is why...
The other day I was in the lift with a person who looked vaguely familiar.
You know how it is, you don't really want to talk to this person but you are still curious enough to know his name. And what better way to do that than to sneak a peek at his badge.
Picture this, there I was…trying to get a glimpse of his ID card which he had clipped on to his belt. I tossed my head to the side a little, trying to get a peek. Then I realized that he had noticed this. And for all you know, it just looked like I was intently staring at his crotch, apparently that is not a polite thing to do. Not good...and there is no exit strategy from this situation. All I could do was to quickly change the direction of my gaze and pretend that I was looking at his shoes (that is inconveniently located at quite a distance away from the crotch area) and then look in random directions, which in an elevator are not too many.
I was the most relieved man when the elevator got to my floor.
So please, all you men out there, wear your ID tags around your necks.
And all you women, wear...umm...well...just tell me your name alright …
And then there are times when you go out to a nice restaurant for lunch, the kind of place where the waiters are better dressed than you (in my case that includes pretty much all restaurants and some road side stalls as well), the moment the waiter sees a badge on you, you can perceive the slight change in expression on his face. In his eyes, you are immediately relegated from an esteemed customer to well…corporate sheep. So a word of caution, remember to always hide your badge when eating out.
Since we are talking about badges, I might as well give you another piece of advice.
All you men out there who work for corporates - Please wear your ID badges around your neck instead of clipping it on to your belt.
And here is why...
The other day I was in the lift with a person who looked vaguely familiar.
You know how it is, you don't really want to talk to this person but you are still curious enough to know his name. And what better way to do that than to sneak a peek at his badge.
Picture this, there I was…trying to get a glimpse of his ID card which he had clipped on to his belt. I tossed my head to the side a little, trying to get a peek. Then I realized that he had noticed this. And for all you know, it just looked like I was intently staring at his crotch, apparently that is not a polite thing to do. Not good...and there is no exit strategy from this situation. All I could do was to quickly change the direction of my gaze and pretend that I was looking at his shoes (that is inconveniently located at quite a distance away from the crotch area) and then look in random directions, which in an elevator are not too many.
I was the most relieved man when the elevator got to my floor.
So please, all you men out there, wear your ID tags around your necks.
And all you women, wear...umm...well...just tell me your name alright …
Friday, December 17, 2010
Current Affairs
Wikileaks is back in the news again. And not because its name sounds like Wikipedia just went to the bathroom. But it sure has a lot of people pretty pissed. The sensational disclosures that are now out in the open are causing quite a stir in the international circles.
Sample some of the stunning disclosures
The Arab countries wanted US to bomb Iran
The US wanted to get hold of Pakistan’s enriched uranium
Vladamir Putin was referred to as an alpha dog.
Rakhi Sawant is actually Sreesanth in disguise.
You think I am trivializing the issue ? I agree…I should not have included the Vladamir Putin bit.
But these revelations do pose a question on the ethics of journalism. Is it fair to reveal information that can put at risk the lives of many on the field or use ‘Rakhi Sawant’ and ‘Sreesanth’ in the same sentence ?
As usual, I will ignore the tough questions and instead stick to making useless wisecracks that won’t solve any problems but will increase the word count of this post.
In other interesting developments around the world, North Korea bombed South Korea and South Korea (whose name rhymes with India) strongly protested against this act of violence and then went out and did some navy drills with the US. North Korea (whose name does not rhyme with Pakistan but that does not matter) does not look like it cares.
And now for some local news…
Obama had an eventful trip to India. While he is a charismatic speaker, someone should tell the President that he is should stick to making speeches and not try to dance. His dance with the school children looked like he was suffering from spasms and that puts him at a serious risk of being made a hero in Tamil movies.
Carla Bruni, the model turned singer turned first lady of France also visited India along with her husband, whatshisname.
Of course, apart from all the gloom and doom that this year has seen, it did have its silver lining. Thus inspite of Suresh Kalmadi’s (whose name does not rhyme with “toilet brush” but that does not matter) Herculean efforts, India managed to pull off the common wealth games successfully.
We also had the highest medal tally at the Asian games. The best part though, is that we are still the undefeated champions in our national sport – scams !!. It is disgusting to see millions of rupees being looted especially when none of it made its way to me.
As the year draws to a close, I can only hope things get better next year. May we have fewer scams, more prosperity and hopefully Rakhi Sawant will start wearing a mask.
And at this point, this post has reached in excess of four hundred words which means that I am done with it.
Sample some of the stunning disclosures
The Arab countries wanted US to bomb Iran
The US wanted to get hold of Pakistan’s enriched uranium
Vladamir Putin was referred to as an alpha dog.
Rakhi Sawant is actually Sreesanth in disguise.
You think I am trivializing the issue ? I agree…I should not have included the Vladamir Putin bit.
But these revelations do pose a question on the ethics of journalism. Is it fair to reveal information that can put at risk the lives of many on the field or use ‘Rakhi Sawant’ and ‘Sreesanth’ in the same sentence ?
As usual, I will ignore the tough questions and instead stick to making useless wisecracks that won’t solve any problems but will increase the word count of this post.
In other interesting developments around the world, North Korea bombed South Korea and South Korea (whose name rhymes with India) strongly protested against this act of violence and then went out and did some navy drills with the US. North Korea (whose name does not rhyme with Pakistan but that does not matter) does not look like it cares.
And now for some local news…
Obama had an eventful trip to India. While he is a charismatic speaker, someone should tell the President that he is should stick to making speeches and not try to dance. His dance with the school children looked like he was suffering from spasms and that puts him at a serious risk of being made a hero in Tamil movies.
Carla Bruni, the model turned singer turned first lady of France also visited India along with her husband, whatshisname.
Of course, apart from all the gloom and doom that this year has seen, it did have its silver lining. Thus inspite of Suresh Kalmadi’s (whose name does not rhyme with “toilet brush” but that does not matter) Herculean efforts, India managed to pull off the common wealth games successfully.
We also had the highest medal tally at the Asian games. The best part though, is that we are still the undefeated champions in our national sport – scams !!. It is disgusting to see millions of rupees being looted especially when none of it made its way to me.
As the year draws to a close, I can only hope things get better next year. May we have fewer scams, more prosperity and hopefully Rakhi Sawant will start wearing a mask.
And at this point, this post has reached in excess of four hundred words which means that I am done with it.
Wednesday, November 3, 2010
Phone Phobia
I think I am beginning to develop some kind of sixth sense. These days, when my mobile starts to ring, I am able to correctly guess who the caller may be. As I have grown older, the stronger my clairvoyance seems to have got.
Or in other words, the number of people who call me has come down to the bare minimum. It appears that only the closest of my friends call (that’s about three, right now). So you can see, I am right about thirty percent of the time.
I guess I am ready to have my own 1-800-PSYCHIC number.
But there is a small problem with my idea. I suck when it comes to talking on the phone.
My conversational skills on the phone are only slightly better than my ballet dancing skills. I just cannot keep a conversation going and very soon it ends up being a question-answer session. It reminds me of my engineering lab days where the lecturer would ask me questions on the project that I had done and I would respond back with…well…weird noises hoping that at least one of us could make sense out of what I was trying to say.
But I digress, the issue is my first reaction when I take a call is to try and get out of it as quickly as possible. But I am so used to my cell and the excuses that I make that it gets me in trouble sometimes
"Hey listen, I am entering a subway, catching a lot of static. Will have to call you back"
"This is your land line, you jackass"
"Oh umm...in that case, I guess I don't really like talking to you"
I have lost a few friends that way. But on the bright side, like I said before, my psychic abilities have gone up.
The other dreaded dead-end conversation is when both of us have nothing to talk about. And I don’t know if it is just an Indian thing or the malaise is world wide, the only conversation filler is what I call the preemptive question…. “So what else ?”. This is a question people ask when they don’t have anything else to say but still want to hang on to the call (more so when it is you who is getting billed)
It happens when you are pretty much done telling everything there is worth telling about including the description of dust on your window, then you pause...the other person asks “So what else ?”. Sometimes I tell them.
I have lost a few more friends that way.
But now that my caller list is reduced to the absolute minimum who pretend to be close friends because I suspect I still owe them money, I have decided to work on my conversational skills. I cannot afford to lose any more callers. I am now getting the hang of handling the “So what else ?” question. I have learned to just make up stuff.
Hopefully, I will get better at this as I go on.
I could write a lot more but I think I am catching a lot of static, must be a http tunnel...gotta go...
Or in other words, the number of people who call me has come down to the bare minimum. It appears that only the closest of my friends call (that’s about three, right now). So you can see, I am right about thirty percent of the time.
I guess I am ready to have my own 1-800-PSYCHIC number.
But there is a small problem with my idea. I suck when it comes to talking on the phone.
My conversational skills on the phone are only slightly better than my ballet dancing skills. I just cannot keep a conversation going and very soon it ends up being a question-answer session. It reminds me of my engineering lab days where the lecturer would ask me questions on the project that I had done and I would respond back with…well…weird noises hoping that at least one of us could make sense out of what I was trying to say.
But I digress, the issue is my first reaction when I take a call is to try and get out of it as quickly as possible. But I am so used to my cell and the excuses that I make that it gets me in trouble sometimes
"Hey listen, I am entering a subway, catching a lot of static. Will have to call you back"
"This is your land line, you jackass"
"Oh umm...in that case, I guess I don't really like talking to you"
I have lost a few friends that way. But on the bright side, like I said before, my psychic abilities have gone up.
The other dreaded dead-end conversation is when both of us have nothing to talk about. And I don’t know if it is just an Indian thing or the malaise is world wide, the only conversation filler is what I call the preemptive question…. “So what else ?”. This is a question people ask when they don’t have anything else to say but still want to hang on to the call (more so when it is you who is getting billed)
It happens when you are pretty much done telling everything there is worth telling about including the description of dust on your window, then you pause...the other person asks “So what else ?”. Sometimes I tell them.
I have lost a few more friends that way.
But now that my caller list is reduced to the absolute minimum who pretend to be close friends because I suspect I still owe them money, I have decided to work on my conversational skills. I cannot afford to lose any more callers. I am now getting the hang of handling the “So what else ?” question. I have learned to just make up stuff.
Hopefully, I will get better at this as I go on.
I could write a lot more but I think I am catching a lot of static, must be a http tunnel...gotta go...
Thursday, February 12, 2009
A 'lovely' weekend ahead
So it is that time of the year where love is in the air because VD is just around the corner. Just to be clear, I am not referring to venereal disease but to Valentine’s Day, a day where couples reaffirm their love for each other by buying tacky gifts while others sulk, the others include the singles and the married.
But this year, we have a self styled moral police group called ‘The Army of Lord Rama’ (By the way, the legendary army of Rama actually comprised of monkeys. Apparently, the irony is lost on these douchebags) which is threatening to disrupt all celebrations. I think it is important to note that all such protests come from groups comprising only men. And more importantly, most of these men are too ugly to even have girlfriends. I think that’s the root of their frustrations.
Be that as it may, my pet theory is that Valentine’s Day is a creation of the card companies and gift shops. They have the biggest stake in the whole thing. Have you noticed how they keep telling you to gift the same bunch of presents for pretty much every occasion ?.
It’s Valentine’s ?.... Buy soft toys, chocolates and cards.
Colleague had a baby ?.... Buy soft toys, chocolates and cards.
Friend had a piles operation ?....Buy soft toys...well, I guess that should do.
I don’t mind the commerce driven celebration hype but my grouse is that it is always men who are urged to buy presents and it is never the other way around. How about having commercials which say something like this for a change...
“Women, make your man feel special this Valentine’s, gift him an Xbox 360 or the Swim Suit Edition of Sports Illustrated”
But nooo !! you never see ads like that. I agree that I am stereotyping men as Xbox freaks thinking about bikini clad women all the time. For the record, let me clarify that not all men are like that...some prefer Sony PlayStation.
Anyway, the important thing is to forget about who is going to buy what for whom but instead enjoy the spirit of the occasion.
And for all the singles out there, we can enjoy the spirit as well especially the ones that come in a six pack
But this year, we have a self styled moral police group called ‘The Army of Lord Rama’ (By the way, the legendary army of Rama actually comprised of monkeys. Apparently, the irony is lost on these douchebags) which is threatening to disrupt all celebrations. I think it is important to note that all such protests come from groups comprising only men. And more importantly, most of these men are too ugly to even have girlfriends. I think that’s the root of their frustrations.
Be that as it may, my pet theory is that Valentine’s Day is a creation of the card companies and gift shops. They have the biggest stake in the whole thing. Have you noticed how they keep telling you to gift the same bunch of presents for pretty much every occasion ?.
It’s Valentine’s ?.... Buy soft toys, chocolates and cards.
Colleague had a baby ?.... Buy soft toys, chocolates and cards.
Friend had a piles operation ?....Buy soft toys...well, I guess that should do.
I don’t mind the commerce driven celebration hype but my grouse is that it is always men who are urged to buy presents and it is never the other way around. How about having commercials which say something like this for a change...
“Women, make your man feel special this Valentine’s, gift him an Xbox 360 or the Swim Suit Edition of Sports Illustrated”
But nooo !! you never see ads like that. I agree that I am stereotyping men as Xbox freaks thinking about bikini clad women all the time. For the record, let me clarify that not all men are like that...some prefer Sony PlayStation.
Anyway, the important thing is to forget about who is going to buy what for whom but instead enjoy the spirit of the occasion.
And for all the singles out there, we can enjoy the spirit as well especially the ones that come in a six pack
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
Hello !!
The past few weeks, the coffee table discussions have been hijacked by a couple of my gadget freak colleagues who have discovered newer ways of using their mobile phones. So now they can do pretty much everything they could on their laptops...compiling code, surfing the web, checking mail, in general wasting company time !!. And they have been trying to convince me into buying one of those cool phones that costs a fortune. I have been holding out for now.
It is easy for me to hold out. I am not exactly a gadget freak. Especially since these new phones really are monstrosities. I keep telling my friend that it’s a good thing that he is married because with a phone that looks like a walkie talkie from the sixties, it is hard to impress the ladies. I call these new age, high tech phones as the ‘chick repellents’ (pardon the sexist undertone, but you get the picture right ?). I am not really into any gadget where I would need to explain why in spite of its ugliness, it is still cool (As it is, I have hard job explaining that about myself).
And while we are on subject of cell phones, I might as well add that I am tired of these warnings about the health risks posed by these phones. “Cell phone radiation is bad for your health”, “Oh, don’t keep the phone in your shirt pocket, it will affect the heart”. Gee, really, is that even an advice you can give to a guy ?. What are men supposed to do, keep the phones in their trouser pockets instead ?. Well, let me tell you people, men would any day take chances with their heart, all right. So go easy on the health advisory.
Infact, even as I type this post, Steven Spielberg is busy making a movie on this very topic. That's right, the movie is called “Saving Ryan’s Privates” starring Tom Hanks as Ryan and Charlie Sheen as...well. And Bollywood is already making the Indian version of it in which Govinda will be seen playing both Ryan and...as himself. The climax is supposed to be thrilling with the hero being strapped around the waist with a belt of mobile phones and the bad guy threatening to call all the numbers at once. For a country of more than a billion people, that’s not a bad idea. This country needs more such belts.
Anyway, the point is I am satisfied with my 2500 rupee cell phone. I admit it does not have a fancy GPS receiver or VPN connectivity or the super cool 3D surround sound. But it does let me get even with people who have pissed me off especially those who keep their phones in their trouser pockets.
Hey, is that your phone ringing ?
It is easy for me to hold out. I am not exactly a gadget freak. Especially since these new phones really are monstrosities. I keep telling my friend that it’s a good thing that he is married because with a phone that looks like a walkie talkie from the sixties, it is hard to impress the ladies. I call these new age, high tech phones as the ‘chick repellents’ (pardon the sexist undertone, but you get the picture right ?). I am not really into any gadget where I would need to explain why in spite of its ugliness, it is still cool (As it is, I have hard job explaining that about myself).
And while we are on subject of cell phones, I might as well add that I am tired of these warnings about the health risks posed by these phones. “Cell phone radiation is bad for your health”, “Oh, don’t keep the phone in your shirt pocket, it will affect the heart”. Gee, really, is that even an advice you can give to a guy ?. What are men supposed to do, keep the phones in their trouser pockets instead ?. Well, let me tell you people, men would any day take chances with their heart, all right. So go easy on the health advisory.
Infact, even as I type this post, Steven Spielberg is busy making a movie on this very topic. That's right, the movie is called “Saving Ryan’s Privates” starring Tom Hanks as Ryan and Charlie Sheen as...well. And Bollywood is already making the Indian version of it in which Govinda will be seen playing both Ryan and...as himself. The climax is supposed to be thrilling with the hero being strapped around the waist with a belt of mobile phones and the bad guy threatening to call all the numbers at once. For a country of more than a billion people, that’s not a bad idea. This country needs more such belts.
Anyway, the point is I am satisfied with my 2500 rupee cell phone. I admit it does not have a fancy GPS receiver or VPN connectivity or the super cool 3D surround sound. But it does let me get even with people who have pissed me off especially those who keep their phones in their trouser pockets.
Hey, is that your phone ringing ?
Thursday, January 15, 2009
Relatives for Rent
The Japanese are freaking goofy. They made robot dogs and cats and even robot humans. But this is just crazy
Rent a pet or...a relative
So now they have started renting out relatives !!.
How much dysfunctional does a society have to get before the people decide it is easier to rent friends and relatives than to actually make one. They already have an aging population, lonely young people and now this. I am betting the Japanese are going to un-breed themselves out of the human gene pool in a pretty short time. And my biggest concern is what would be the fate of Nikon, once they are all gone. Maybe the Chinese will take over but I don’t trust anything the Chinese make (they use too much vinegar). Ok, stop complaining about me being insensitive, my camera cost me a fortune, alright !!. And at least for my sake, the Japanese better get busy fixing their social life and start making more of themselves instead of indulging in this renting nonsense.
But I hate to admit, it does have its benefits. For example, this allows women a lot more choice.
“Hi, I need a partner, what do you have ?”
“All the boyfriends are taken, I have a couple of husbands, if you are interested”
“Hmm...how much for a cat ?”
Coming to think of it, I should try and use this business model on myself. I already am a friend to a bunch of thankless nerds. I might as well start charging them for it.
But in the meantime, can I have a sister-in-law to go. Preferably someone who can fix a Nikon...
Rent a pet or...a relative
So now they have started renting out relatives !!.
How much dysfunctional does a society have to get before the people decide it is easier to rent friends and relatives than to actually make one. They already have an aging population, lonely young people and now this. I am betting the Japanese are going to un-breed themselves out of the human gene pool in a pretty short time. And my biggest concern is what would be the fate of Nikon, once they are all gone. Maybe the Chinese will take over but I don’t trust anything the Chinese make (they use too much vinegar). Ok, stop complaining about me being insensitive, my camera cost me a fortune, alright !!. And at least for my sake, the Japanese better get busy fixing their social life and start making more of themselves instead of indulging in this renting nonsense.
But I hate to admit, it does have its benefits. For example, this allows women a lot more choice.
“Hi, I need a partner, what do you have ?”
“All the boyfriends are taken, I have a couple of husbands, if you are interested”
“Hmm...how much for a cat ?”
Coming to think of it, I should try and use this business model on myself. I already am a friend to a bunch of thankless nerds. I might as well start charging them for it.
But in the meantime, can I have a sister-in-law to go. Preferably someone who can fix a Nikon...
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Year 2009
The year 2009 has set in. And I have decided to look into the future and predict the events that shall unfold in the year ahead. Here are my predictions.
Prediction 1:
India ups the ante against Pakistan, the official stand being raised from “Grrr” to “Bow wow”. Pakistan continues to deny any involvement in the Mumbai terror attacks even as the Indian government provides the family tree chart, DNA swabs and urine samples of the captured terrorist, as proof. Zardari says “Proof will not hold in Pakistan’s court of law”. Pakistan’s ISI demands a joint investigation team to probe the attack so that “we can learn about the loop holes and fix them to ensure no evidences are left behind the next time” says an anonymous ISI source.
In the meantime, Arundhati Roy accuses the Indian government of masterminding the whole attack. She refuses to elaborate saying “I need to skip a couple more doses of my medication before I can come up with a theory”
Prediction 2:
The stock market may go down further or if macro economic conditions change, it may go up from here. Impressed with the depth of analysis, CNBC signs me up for their expert panel. However, the economy continues to flounder in spite of repeated reassurances by the finance minister. People rush to withdraw money from their bank accounts while many others rush to the dictionary to find out what ‘flounder’ means.
Prediction 3:
Obama finishes his first year as President. He easily surpasses the standards set by his predecessor. All he had to do was not fall off bicycles and pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly. And of course, not bomb random countries.
In other world events, inflation in Zimbabwe reaches numbers that haven’t even been invented. Robert Mugabe scraps the currency concept and orders that all trade be conducted through barter system. A goat will cost four chickens, a bag of rice will cost a pound of ham while any opposition to the moron running the country will cost your life.
After years of hostility and intense hatred for each other, Israel and Palestine decide to make peace and finally bury the hatchet. Unfortunately it is soon discovered that they buried the hatchet into each other’s backs.
The fruitcake president of Iran again goes into his denial mode and denies the existence of homosexuals in Iran, denies the occurrence of holocaust and going further, he denies all words beginning with ‘H’.
And finally, as a precaution, the French surrender. “Surrendering during war is reactive, surrendering during peace requires great foresight” claims the French president.
Ok, so that is my list of predictions for 2009. Do you have any ?
Prediction 1:
India ups the ante against Pakistan, the official stand being raised from “Grrr” to “Bow wow”. Pakistan continues to deny any involvement in the Mumbai terror attacks even as the Indian government provides the family tree chart, DNA swabs and urine samples of the captured terrorist, as proof. Zardari says “Proof will not hold in Pakistan’s court of law”. Pakistan’s ISI demands a joint investigation team to probe the attack so that “we can learn about the loop holes and fix them to ensure no evidences are left behind the next time” says an anonymous ISI source.
In the meantime, Arundhati Roy accuses the Indian government of masterminding the whole attack. She refuses to elaborate saying “I need to skip a couple more doses of my medication before I can come up with a theory”
Prediction 2:
The stock market may go down further or if macro economic conditions change, it may go up from here. Impressed with the depth of analysis, CNBC signs me up for their expert panel. However, the economy continues to flounder in spite of repeated reassurances by the finance minister. People rush to withdraw money from their bank accounts while many others rush to the dictionary to find out what ‘flounder’ means.
Prediction 3:
Obama finishes his first year as President. He easily surpasses the standards set by his predecessor. All he had to do was not fall off bicycles and pronounce ‘nuclear’ correctly. And of course, not bomb random countries.
In other world events, inflation in Zimbabwe reaches numbers that haven’t even been invented. Robert Mugabe scraps the currency concept and orders that all trade be conducted through barter system. A goat will cost four chickens, a bag of rice will cost a pound of ham while any opposition to the moron running the country will cost your life.
After years of hostility and intense hatred for each other, Israel and Palestine decide to make peace and finally bury the hatchet. Unfortunately it is soon discovered that they buried the hatchet into each other’s backs.
The fruitcake president of Iran again goes into his denial mode and denies the existence of homosexuals in Iran, denies the occurrence of holocaust and going further, he denies all words beginning with ‘H’.
And finally, as a precaution, the French surrender. “Surrendering during war is reactive, surrendering during peace requires great foresight” claims the French president.
Ok, so that is my list of predictions for 2009. Do you have any ?
Monday, December 15, 2008
War of words
Sometimes, we friends get into a highly informative mail exchange that will leave us all a lot more knowledgeable than before. Here is one such exchange that took place a few days ago. I am posting it here for lack of anything better.
=======================================================================
From: G, D [mailto:*]
Sent: Tuesday, December 09, 2008 5:35 PM
To: S, V; A G A; slv@; P A
Subject: jumping gene
http://en.citizendium.org/wiki/Horizontal_gene_transfer_in_plants
Ive seen this happen in my garden, a green leaf plant was planted
close to brown leaf plant. after a few days the color of all leaves
was brown!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
That could be because you forgot to water ur plants(rather all ur
plants) :) ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
http://waynesword.palomar.edu/transpos.htm
Nimmaji :D
[Poster’s Note: FYI, this is a very mild kannada cuss word]
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: S, V [mailto:*]
This is very interesting. This explains why all you guys have become
much better looking over time since having been with me for so many
years now.
-V
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
No, that is because uve slowly been going blind vijji :P
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
and stupid :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: S, V [mailto:*]
That's obvious, when I am surrounded by so many of them it is natural that I passed on my looks and you guys have passed on your stupidity.
And Deeps, if I am indeed turning blind that can only mean that you guys are still as ugly as hell then...
There really is no comeback line for my statement, so guys just give up alright, you are making it worse for yourself every time you try....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
Ill loose one eye , if u will loose 2 eyes :P
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
Oh yah ... viji .... as you know not all genes jump, stupidity was inherent in you...
=======================================================================
From: G, D [mailto:*]
Sent: Tuesday, December 09, 2008 5:35 PM
To: S, V; A G A; slv@; P A
Subject: jumping gene
http://en.citizendium.org/wiki/Horizontal_gene_transfer_in_plants
Ive seen this happen in my garden, a green leaf plant was planted
close to brown leaf plant. after a few days the color of all leaves
was brown!!!
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
That could be because you forgot to water ur plants(rather all ur
plants) :) ...
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
http://waynesword.palomar.edu/transpos.htm
Nimmaji :D
[Poster’s Note: FYI, this is a very mild kannada cuss word]
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: S, V [mailto:*]
This is very interesting. This explains why all you guys have become
much better looking over time since having been with me for so many
years now.
-V
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
No, that is because uve slowly been going blind vijji :P
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
and stupid :)
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: S, V [mailto:*]
That's obvious, when I am surrounded by so many of them it is natural that I passed on my looks and you guys have passed on your stupidity.
And Deeps, if I am indeed turning blind that can only mean that you guys are still as ugly as hell then...
There really is no comeback line for my statement, so guys just give up alright, you are making it worse for yourself every time you try....
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: G, D [mailto:*]
Ill loose one eye , if u will loose 2 eyes :P
--------------------------------------------------------------------
From: A G A [mailto:*]
Oh yah ... viji .... as you know not all genes jump, stupidity was inherent in you...
Friday, October 3, 2008
Spirit of science lives on
It is that time of the year when people with two or less brain cells are rewarded for their outstanding achievements in science, (‘outstanding’ that is, like a baboon’s bottom in a Miss Universe pageant.)
Yes, dear folks, the Ig Nobel prizes for the year 2008 have been announced.
Ig Nobel 2008
Check out the prize for work on cognitive science, a Japanese research team showed that slime moulds can find their way through mazes. This is something we Indians have known for a long time. The slime moulds found in India are way smarter than those in Japan. Leave aside mazes, the moulds here find their way right into parliament. Let’s see you top that, Japanese goo !!!
And now to the ground breaking work in Biology where a team showed that fleas on dogs jump higher than fleas on cats. After having completed this momentous task, the team has decided to spend the rest of the year scratching themselves.
The research that concerns me most is the one on Coco Cola. Two teams were awarded the Ig Nobel in Chemistry. One team found that Coco Cola was an effective spermicide while the other team showed just the opposite. I don’t even want to think about how they went about researching this but my bet is that they worked very closely with the team which was awarded the Economics prize. Anyway, I believe that as long as men stick to just drinking coke, they will be ok.
The physics award went to the research which showed that heaps of string and hair will tangle up in knots eventually. Personally though I feel it would have been a lot more useful if they tried to find out if heaps of string already in knots would eventually untangle themselves and if it works on tongues too (that would surely help me)
Of course, there are awards given away in other areas as well. But I dare not mention all of them here because you may find it hard to resist laughter.
And that could be dangerous if you are drinking coke...
[In case you missed my last year's Ig Nobel update, here it is -
Pushing the frontiers of science ]
Yes, dear folks, the Ig Nobel prizes for the year 2008 have been announced.
Ig Nobel 2008
Check out the prize for work on cognitive science, a Japanese research team showed that slime moulds can find their way through mazes. This is something we Indians have known for a long time. The slime moulds found in India are way smarter than those in Japan. Leave aside mazes, the moulds here find their way right into parliament. Let’s see you top that, Japanese goo !!!
And now to the ground breaking work in Biology where a team showed that fleas on dogs jump higher than fleas on cats. After having completed this momentous task, the team has decided to spend the rest of the year scratching themselves.
The research that concerns me most is the one on Coco Cola. Two teams were awarded the Ig Nobel in Chemistry. One team found that Coco Cola was an effective spermicide while the other team showed just the opposite. I don’t even want to think about how they went about researching this but my bet is that they worked very closely with the team which was awarded the Economics prize. Anyway, I believe that as long as men stick to just drinking coke, they will be ok.
The physics award went to the research which showed that heaps of string and hair will tangle up in knots eventually. Personally though I feel it would have been a lot more useful if they tried to find out if heaps of string already in knots would eventually untangle themselves and if it works on tongues too (that would surely help me)
Of course, there are awards given away in other areas as well. But I dare not mention all of them here because you may find it hard to resist laughter.
And that could be dangerous if you are drinking coke...
[In case you missed my last year's Ig Nobel update, here it is -
Pushing the frontiers of science ]
Friday, September 26, 2008
Complimentary Insults
Everyone loves compliments and I am no exception. But there are some compliments that I believe are designed solely to make you feel good for the moment but are actually insults in disguise. And I seem to be getting more of these as time goes by.
“Hey, you look great today” said a colleague and I felt nice about it and thanked him.
But then I thought “Wait a minute, I look good today ?. As opposed to what ?, all these years when I looked like crap, huh ? !!!”. Now I don’t talk to that colleague anymore.
I really feel sorry for the ladies who get far more compliments than guys.
Remember, all compliments are always in comparison to your normal self. So if someone tells you “Hey, you look lovely in that dress”. It may sound nice but what it actually means is that you normally look hideous in all other outfits but somehow this particular dress makes you look lovely which is so surprising that I actually had to tell you about it.
This is when you slap the person who said that.
Infact, I think it is better to make a frank insult than a deceptive compliment. For example, a few days ago, I was showing a few photos from a last year’s trip to a couple of people at work. And one of them with all seriousness said “You look good in those photos, I can’t believe that you have changed so much in one year. What happened ?”
As surprised that I was by this unfiltered expression of opinion (‘truth’ would probably be a better word but I will stick to ‘opinion’, alright), I was still able to have a good laugh at it.
Thankfully, the uglier I seem to have got, the better my sense of humor seems to have become. Extrapolating it further, this means that the day people begin laughing uncontrollably at my blog posts is the day when I shall have to start walking around with a towel over face
The moral of the story is that compliments are far more insidious than what they seem. I would any day prefer an honest insult to a sinister compliment. It’s another matter that most of the times, I can’t even tell the difference.
So if you really want to make me feel good, just tell me something like “What’s wrong with you today, this post is so ordinary”. Now, that’s what I call a compliment.
But if somehow you actually think this post is funny, then I guess it is towel time for me...
“Hey, you look great today” said a colleague and I felt nice about it and thanked him.
But then I thought “Wait a minute, I look good today ?. As opposed to what ?, all these years when I looked like crap, huh ? !!!”. Now I don’t talk to that colleague anymore.
I really feel sorry for the ladies who get far more compliments than guys.
Remember, all compliments are always in comparison to your normal self. So if someone tells you “Hey, you look lovely in that dress”. It may sound nice but what it actually means is that you normally look hideous in all other outfits but somehow this particular dress makes you look lovely which is so surprising that I actually had to tell you about it.
This is when you slap the person who said that.
Infact, I think it is better to make a frank insult than a deceptive compliment. For example, a few days ago, I was showing a few photos from a last year’s trip to a couple of people at work. And one of them with all seriousness said “You look good in those photos, I can’t believe that you have changed so much in one year. What happened ?”
As surprised that I was by this unfiltered expression of opinion (‘truth’ would probably be a better word but I will stick to ‘opinion’, alright), I was still able to have a good laugh at it.
Thankfully, the uglier I seem to have got, the better my sense of humor seems to have become. Extrapolating it further, this means that the day people begin laughing uncontrollably at my blog posts is the day when I shall have to start walking around with a towel over face
The moral of the story is that compliments are far more insidious than what they seem. I would any day prefer an honest insult to a sinister compliment. It’s another matter that most of the times, I can’t even tell the difference.
So if you really want to make me feel good, just tell me something like “What’s wrong with you today, this post is so ordinary”. Now, that’s what I call a compliment.
But if somehow you actually think this post is funny, then I guess it is towel time for me...
Tuesday, September 16, 2008
The silver lining
“Oh, your hair is turning grey. I think you should get married now”
I am beginning to get this comment increasingly these days. I really don’t understand what the connection is!!. Ok, so I get married and my wife is somehow going to turn my hair black again ?. It’s as if women have these amazing remedies that they are going to tell you only after you marry them.
“Dear, now that I took the advice of people about my receding hairline and got married, tell me how to grow it all back ?”
“Sorry honey, I just know the secret to making your paunch vanish”
“Damn, I should have married your sister instead”
And do you know what’s worse than being single with graying hair ? - Being a single * Indian * with graying hair. Because in India, if you are single then it is a free pass for everyone to ask you about it without any hesitation. Marriage and money are the two most common questions that you have to deal with, the only criteria is that the other person must be older than you. I have been asked by total strangers on the bus about how much salary I make, whether I am married and why not. Unfortunately for me, none of these strangers were good looking, single or female.
The other big trouble is when you have to attend social events like your cousin’s wedding. Here everyone and their aunt (especially their aunt) would want to know when you are getting married. And this being the land of arranged marriages, each aunt knows this one girl who is ideal wife material (whatever that is). I usually tell them that I would not want to marry any girl who is willing to marry me (come on, that’s poor judgment right there and I am looking for someone smarter than that). But that does not deter the aunt one bit in her efforts to convince me and more often than not, I am on the look out for an escape route like the door, the fire escape, the kitchen sink...whatever. I just want to get away from there. These are some of the times when I desperately wish for a telemarketing call on my mobile.
“Hello Sir, this is Manjula calling from StanChart bank, would you be interested in our credit card ?”
“Thank you, thank you so much lady. Oh boy, Am I glad to hear your voice. You are a life saver. You are my guardian angel. I am so luc...”
“Umm...Sir, on second thoughts, I don’t think we want you to have our card and we won’t call you again” [click]
I wonder why I don’t get too many telemarketing calls these days. I suspect Manjula has probably told all her friends in other call centers about me. So that makes me the only person who has officially been blacklisted by all telemarketers. I can understand that but I do feel somewhat offended that even the male telemarketers have stopped calling and that is just plain mean on their part. After all, who knows I may need that credit card or that personal loan sometime, in case I do get married.
But until such time, I need a remedy....got dye, anyone ?
I am beginning to get this comment increasingly these days. I really don’t understand what the connection is!!. Ok, so I get married and my wife is somehow going to turn my hair black again ?. It’s as if women have these amazing remedies that they are going to tell you only after you marry them.
“Dear, now that I took the advice of people about my receding hairline and got married, tell me how to grow it all back ?”
“Sorry honey, I just know the secret to making your paunch vanish”
“Damn, I should have married your sister instead”
And do you know what’s worse than being single with graying hair ? - Being a single * Indian * with graying hair. Because in India, if you are single then it is a free pass for everyone to ask you about it without any hesitation. Marriage and money are the two most common questions that you have to deal with, the only criteria is that the other person must be older than you. I have been asked by total strangers on the bus about how much salary I make, whether I am married and why not. Unfortunately for me, none of these strangers were good looking, single or female.
The other big trouble is when you have to attend social events like your cousin’s wedding. Here everyone and their aunt (especially their aunt) would want to know when you are getting married. And this being the land of arranged marriages, each aunt knows this one girl who is ideal wife material (whatever that is). I usually tell them that I would not want to marry any girl who is willing to marry me (come on, that’s poor judgment right there and I am looking for someone smarter than that). But that does not deter the aunt one bit in her efforts to convince me and more often than not, I am on the look out for an escape route like the door, the fire escape, the kitchen sink...whatever. I just want to get away from there. These are some of the times when I desperately wish for a telemarketing call on my mobile.
“Hello Sir, this is Manjula calling from StanChart bank, would you be interested in our credit card ?”
“Thank you, thank you so much lady. Oh boy, Am I glad to hear your voice. You are a life saver. You are my guardian angel. I am so luc...”
“Umm...Sir, on second thoughts, I don’t think we want you to have our card and we won’t call you again” [click]
I wonder why I don’t get too many telemarketing calls these days. I suspect Manjula has probably told all her friends in other call centers about me. So that makes me the only person who has officially been blacklisted by all telemarketers. I can understand that but I do feel somewhat offended that even the male telemarketers have stopped calling and that is just plain mean on their part. After all, who knows I may need that credit card or that personal loan sometime, in case I do get married.
But until such time, I need a remedy....got dye, anyone ?
Thursday, September 4, 2008
Click Click
For many years now, I have had a burning desire to discover my latent photography skills. Ok, maybe ‘burning’ is too strong a word; let’s say lukewarm tending towards hot. So I bought a digital SLR camera last week. My inspiration has been these fabulous shots of birds that I find on the net. I have always wanted to shoot pictures like those. Of course, being an avid bird watcher with a keen eye for spotting birds, it makes even more sense to buy one.
“Ah !!, that’s an adolescent Greater Coucal or...a crow. Darn it, that’s a cow”
Alright, my bird identification skills need a little more work. A few more days and I will be able to figure out the birds from the animals. But that is no way a reflection of my need for a camera. Like I said I finally bought one having saved enough money over the last several years and having promised the shopkeeper to do his dishes in lieu of the rest of the cost as the damn thing costs a fortune. And for that money, every bird photo I shoot bloody well look like a hot chick.
“Hey you said this was a picture of a scaly breasted munia but what I see here is Elizabeth Hurley”
“Yeah. Same thing”
On Sunday, I took the camera out for a little spin to see how it would do. For a guy who has only handled a 1984 model Yashica camera which had like three moving parts (that’s including the photographer), a DSLR can be a daunting experience. I spent the first ten minutes practicing taking the camera out of the bag and putting it back in. The next few hours were spent in pouring through the user manual. Having finally found the ‘click’ button, I decided to try some shots.
So standing in the balcony of my house, I kept shooting everything in sight – leaves, stray dogs, mud. Quickly, I realized that the secret to great photography involves three steps -Firstly, invest in a good camera which I did; secondly, know how to operate it which I had spent time on; finally, and this is the crucial part, find a good photographer.
Because, looking at the photos I clicked, I knew I could have used a cheap pencil and drawn them all better by hand instead. And I am terrible at drawing. Apparently, buying a DSLR camera does not automatically make you a great photographer. When I think about it, it does make sense – you know, just because you have a calendar, it does not mean that you are going to go out on dates.
That was a deep philosophical moment of introspection for me. But as in the case of all men, I refuse to learn from philosophical insights and shall continue to slog on with my camera (and keep buying calendars, for that matter) until I can finally take decent pictures. I shall work on it mornings through afternoons.
But not in the evenings because that’s when I need to do the dishes at the shopkeeper’s
“Ah !!, that’s an adolescent Greater Coucal or...a crow. Darn it, that’s a cow”
Alright, my bird identification skills need a little more work. A few more days and I will be able to figure out the birds from the animals. But that is no way a reflection of my need for a camera. Like I said I finally bought one having saved enough money over the last several years and having promised the shopkeeper to do his dishes in lieu of the rest of the cost as the damn thing costs a fortune. And for that money, every bird photo I shoot bloody well look like a hot chick.
“Hey you said this was a picture of a scaly breasted munia but what I see here is Elizabeth Hurley”
“Yeah. Same thing”
On Sunday, I took the camera out for a little spin to see how it would do. For a guy who has only handled a 1984 model Yashica camera which had like three moving parts (that’s including the photographer), a DSLR can be a daunting experience. I spent the first ten minutes practicing taking the camera out of the bag and putting it back in. The next few hours were spent in pouring through the user manual. Having finally found the ‘click’ button, I decided to try some shots.
So standing in the balcony of my house, I kept shooting everything in sight – leaves, stray dogs, mud. Quickly, I realized that the secret to great photography involves three steps -Firstly, invest in a good camera which I did; secondly, know how to operate it which I had spent time on; finally, and this is the crucial part, find a good photographer.
Because, looking at the photos I clicked, I knew I could have used a cheap pencil and drawn them all better by hand instead. And I am terrible at drawing. Apparently, buying a DSLR camera does not automatically make you a great photographer. When I think about it, it does make sense – you know, just because you have a calendar, it does not mean that you are going to go out on dates.
That was a deep philosophical moment of introspection for me. But as in the case of all men, I refuse to learn from philosophical insights and shall continue to slog on with my camera (and keep buying calendars, for that matter) until I can finally take decent pictures. I shall work on it mornings through afternoons.
But not in the evenings because that’s when I need to do the dishes at the shopkeeper’s
Monday, August 25, 2008
And I am done with Olympics
The Olympic Games have ended. This post completes my blog trilogy on the Olympics which involved in-depth analysis and comprehensive coverage of the games which I followed diligently. Diligently, that is when ever I could find time to switch channels from cricket.
During one such channel flip, I caught some swimming action. There were these beautiful legs coming out of water and moving in perfect synchrony. Occasionally, the lovely ladies to whom the legs belonged would surface up and continue their synchronized swimming. It was such a delight to watch. I mean the legs; I don’t care much about synchronization, anyway.
This event got me thinking (here comes the in-depth analysis part), why don’t we have synchronized swimming for men ?. My guess is that the event would not really be popular. Think about it, a bunch of men sticking their hairy legs out of water. How many would pay to see that (apart from Karan Johar, that is) ?. Thankfully, men don’t insist being on parity with women here.
On the other hand, women would not want to be a part of some sports. For example, sumo wrestling for women isn’t all that popular. Not because men don’t want to see it but more so because the sport demands that women put on weight deliberately. And how many would want to do that !!. But the toughest act is for the husband of a sumo wrestler, he always has a minefield to dodge.
“Dear, do I look fat in this dress ?”
“Yeah...umm...No...umm...It does not matter...umm...I think I will just shoot myself instead”
The poor man is in for trouble no matter what. And you don’t want to piss off a sumo wrestling wife, do you ?. Good thing that sumo wrestling is not an Olympic sport.
Coming back to the Beijing Olympics, I must admit, China did put on a grand show. It would be a tough act for England to follow. I have a dream when one day India will host the Olympics. Of course, I also have dreams of being the most admired man in the world, going on a date with Charlize Theron and winning the Nobel Prize for blogging. The Olympics dream will have to get in line.
So the next blog post on sports will be four years from now. I would like to conclude this post with the Olympic motto “Citius Altius Fortius”
I could translate it but it’s all Latin to me…..
During one such channel flip, I caught some swimming action. There were these beautiful legs coming out of water and moving in perfect synchrony. Occasionally, the lovely ladies to whom the legs belonged would surface up and continue their synchronized swimming. It was such a delight to watch. I mean the legs; I don’t care much about synchronization, anyway.
This event got me thinking (here comes the in-depth analysis part), why don’t we have synchronized swimming for men ?. My guess is that the event would not really be popular. Think about it, a bunch of men sticking their hairy legs out of water. How many would pay to see that (apart from Karan Johar, that is) ?. Thankfully, men don’t insist being on parity with women here.
On the other hand, women would not want to be a part of some sports. For example, sumo wrestling for women isn’t all that popular. Not because men don’t want to see it but more so because the sport demands that women put on weight deliberately. And how many would want to do that !!. But the toughest act is for the husband of a sumo wrestler, he always has a minefield to dodge.
“Dear, do I look fat in this dress ?”
“Yeah...umm...No...umm...It does not matter...umm...I think I will just shoot myself instead”
The poor man is in for trouble no matter what. And you don’t want to piss off a sumo wrestling wife, do you ?. Good thing that sumo wrestling is not an Olympic sport.
Coming back to the Beijing Olympics, I must admit, China did put on a grand show. It would be a tough act for England to follow. I have a dream when one day India will host the Olympics. Of course, I also have dreams of being the most admired man in the world, going on a date with Charlize Theron and winning the Nobel Prize for blogging. The Olympics dream will have to get in line.
So the next blog post on sports will be four years from now. I would like to conclude this post with the Olympic motto “Citius Altius Fortius”
I could translate it but it’s all Latin to me…..
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
Swimming to glory
This being the only blog in the blogosphere that has officially been authorized to bring you the inside secrets of the Olympics (all the rest have been banned access by China), it is my responsibility to keep you abreast of all the sensation happening behind the scenes.
My investigative journalism has led me to this starling discovery.
Michael Phelps is the love child of a sailor and a mermaid !!!.
Well, how else do you account for his incredible accomplishment at swimming, huh ??
The bigger question though is how does a sailor, or for that matter anybody, mate with a mermaid ?. The logistical difficulties are overwhelming. But that topic is beyond the scope of this blog
Coming back to Phelps, if you think my theory is far fetched, do you have a better one ?. Yeah yeah, you will probably come out with some incredibly dumb explanation about his stamina, skill and training also known as blah, blah and blah. But tell me, how can you explain the fact that he has webbed feet ?. Now you are probably shouting “Those are swim fins that swimmers wear. It is standard gear, you moron”. Exactly my point. See, nobody has seen Phelps’s feet and under those flippers are the webbed feet that came from his mother’s side. That’s my theory and I am sticking to it and if you have a problem with that then get your own blog.
But apart from that, it is still unbelievable that this guy won eight individual gold medals while we a billion people in India could only come up with one gold so far. It is shameful, I tell you, absolutely shameful.
Michael Phelps ought to be ashamed of himself, amassing all that gold when there are people out there in other parts of the world who struggle to even spell goald (I am sure he wastes a lot of food too)
We cannot be complacent about our Olympic performance anymore. We need to win more medals next time around and I have a surefire plan for that – India should adopt Michael Phelps. Pay him what it takes to get him to be an Indian citizen. It will probably cost a huge amount of money but we can make up for it by selling all the gold that he wins. If money does not work, we could try threats
"Hey Mike, you better play for India next time or else...."
"Or else what ?, try your third degree methods ? they don't scare me"
"Or else you will be abducted and made to watch Reese Witherspoon movies over and over again”
"Ok ok, where do I sign up ?"
Well, that’s my plan and I am sure it will work I hope you agree that this is the best shot we have at more medals at the Olympics.
Otherwise, we better start searching for mermaids...
My investigative journalism has led me to this starling discovery.
Michael Phelps is the love child of a sailor and a mermaid !!!.
Well, how else do you account for his incredible accomplishment at swimming, huh ??
The bigger question though is how does a sailor, or for that matter anybody, mate with a mermaid ?. The logistical difficulties are overwhelming. But that topic is beyond the scope of this blog
Coming back to Phelps, if you think my theory is far fetched, do you have a better one ?. Yeah yeah, you will probably come out with some incredibly dumb explanation about his stamina, skill and training also known as blah, blah and blah. But tell me, how can you explain the fact that he has webbed feet ?. Now you are probably shouting “Those are swim fins that swimmers wear. It is standard gear, you moron”. Exactly my point. See, nobody has seen Phelps’s feet and under those flippers are the webbed feet that came from his mother’s side. That’s my theory and I am sticking to it and if you have a problem with that then get your own blog.
But apart from that, it is still unbelievable that this guy won eight individual gold medals while we a billion people in India could only come up with one gold so far. It is shameful, I tell you, absolutely shameful.
Michael Phelps ought to be ashamed of himself, amassing all that gold when there are people out there in other parts of the world who struggle to even spell goald (I am sure he wastes a lot of food too)
We cannot be complacent about our Olympic performance anymore. We need to win more medals next time around and I have a surefire plan for that – India should adopt Michael Phelps. Pay him what it takes to get him to be an Indian citizen. It will probably cost a huge amount of money but we can make up for it by selling all the gold that he wins. If money does not work, we could try threats
"Hey Mike, you better play for India next time or else...."
"Or else what ?, try your third degree methods ? they don't scare me"
"Or else you will be abducted and made to watch Reese Witherspoon movies over and over again”
"Ok ok, where do I sign up ?"
Well, that’s my plan and I am sure it will work I hope you agree that this is the best shot we have at more medals at the Olympics.
Otherwise, we better start searching for mermaids...
Thursday, August 14, 2008
Let the games begin
The Olympics has begun.
Even as I type these words, there are people who are running as fast as they can, jumping high obstacles and using all their strength to overcome hurdles. But let us not worry about what goes on at the US - Mexican border.
Because, dear friends, the eyes of the world are on China where the best athletes are competing against one another to claim the ultimate prize – an Olympic Gold which China claims is lead free.
The origin of these games was in ancient Greece when one day all their email servers went down due to a power outage. History books refer to this period as the ‘Dark Age’. As result, one person was hired whose sole job was to run between two cities carrying messages. Sometimes he would run even when there were no messages to be sent, thus was born the marathon.
Meanwhile, all the men of the city would get together and play other games till the messenger returned. They called it the ‘Olympic Games’ as a tribute to the famous camera company - Olympus. The reason why it is held once every four years is because that’s how long it took for the messenger guy to run back to his city.
Did you know that the early Olympics was held only for men?. They did not even bother to dress themselves and just played in the nude. No wonder that Greek Gods are so popular with women even today. As entertaining as it was, this practice was stopped after the introduction of wrestling into Olympics, to ensure that no player got an unfair advantage over the other.
That’s about enough of history of the Olympics, today the number of games have significantly increased. There is participation from the world over. This time as it is being held in China and China being communist, their plan was that all the medals would be shared equally by all participants. But the plan was opposed by the US which wanted all medals for itself. As a compromise, it was decided that only the top three would be awarded medals in any sport.
India has not had much success in the Olympics except for a lone medal or two. This is because athletes from other countries resort to unfair means of play like better training and better government support.
However, for the first time in India’s Olympic history, we finally managed to bag a Gold in an individual sports event. The Indian government quickly denied any links to this unexpected event and has assured the nation that any help that the government may have provided was purely by chance and that such an oversight would not happen again.
As the games continue into the next week and many more medals are to be won, we the billion of us in India will hope that a few more medals come our way.
But let us remember to test them all for lead.
Even as I type these words, there are people who are running as fast as they can, jumping high obstacles and using all their strength to overcome hurdles. But let us not worry about what goes on at the US - Mexican border.
Because, dear friends, the eyes of the world are on China where the best athletes are competing against one another to claim the ultimate prize – an Olympic Gold which China claims is lead free.
The origin of these games was in ancient Greece when one day all their email servers went down due to a power outage. History books refer to this period as the ‘Dark Age’. As result, one person was hired whose sole job was to run between two cities carrying messages. Sometimes he would run even when there were no messages to be sent, thus was born the marathon.
Meanwhile, all the men of the city would get together and play other games till the messenger returned. They called it the ‘Olympic Games’ as a tribute to the famous camera company - Olympus. The reason why it is held once every four years is because that’s how long it took for the messenger guy to run back to his city.
Did you know that the early Olympics was held only for men?. They did not even bother to dress themselves and just played in the nude. No wonder that Greek Gods are so popular with women even today. As entertaining as it was, this practice was stopped after the introduction of wrestling into Olympics, to ensure that no player got an unfair advantage over the other.
That’s about enough of history of the Olympics, today the number of games have significantly increased. There is participation from the world over. This time as it is being held in China and China being communist, their plan was that all the medals would be shared equally by all participants. But the plan was opposed by the US which wanted all medals for itself. As a compromise, it was decided that only the top three would be awarded medals in any sport.
India has not had much success in the Olympics except for a lone medal or two. This is because athletes from other countries resort to unfair means of play like better training and better government support.
However, for the first time in India’s Olympic history, we finally managed to bag a Gold in an individual sports event. The Indian government quickly denied any links to this unexpected event and has assured the nation that any help that the government may have provided was purely by chance and that such an oversight would not happen again.
As the games continue into the next week and many more medals are to be won, we the billion of us in India will hope that a few more medals come our way.
But let us remember to test them all for lead.
Thursday, August 7, 2008
What's the big deal ?
The whole issue of the nuclear deal has created so much brouhaha that it is time for me to step in and explain to you ignorant masses what this is all about. And when,I am finished, you will want to use candles instead.
To understand the deal, we would need to first understand the basics of nuclear energy. For that, we will have start at the beginning since if we start at the end, this post would end here.
So here is how it all began
One fine day, God said “Let there be light”
Oh well, maybe we need not go back that far. Let’s fast forward a couple of billion years (or 6000 biblical years depending on your point of view) ahead to Enrico Fermi in his lab. Fermi had been pretty much whiling his time away doing nothing, so he got a memo from his boss which read
“All day long, you do nothing but just sit here
Hoping for an idea to strike, while drinking beer
But now, it’s time for you to get off your bottom
To do some physics and go split an atom”
Well, his boss did not exactly send a memo but I had to fit in that poem somewhere. So Fermi got busy trying to split an atom. His initial technique involved placing a little bit of uranium on the table and then using a big hammer. But three broken tables and a swollen thumb later, he realized that a hammer was not really the way to go. So after experimenting with scissors, knives and nail clippers, he finally hit upon the nuclear reactor. A nuclear reactor is a huge dome containing uranium. Instead of a hammer, we have a gigantic pestle that pounds the uranium till it splits and releases energy.
Now that you have the scientific know-how, it is easier to explain the controversy behind the nuclear deal. See, the Congress government wants to import the pestle from the United States, since it would take us several years to make our own. But the communists want us to use the sickle to split an atom. And they want it to be imported from China. A sickle is fine if you want to chop coconuts but for atoms, it just won’t fly (If you recall, Fermi did not even attempt a sickle. Nail clipper...yes, but not a sickle)
So our communist comrades decided to withdraw their support to the government which actually turned out pretty well for the Congress. Now they have been able to go forward with the deal.
Very soon, power cuts in Bangalore will be a thing of the past. That means I don’t have to worry about the power going off while I am writing a blog post.
Becaase typeng in tha dark may leed to spalling misstikes
To understand the deal, we would need to first understand the basics of nuclear energy. For that, we will have start at the beginning since if we start at the end, this post would end here.
So here is how it all began
One fine day, God said “Let there be light”
Oh well, maybe we need not go back that far. Let’s fast forward a couple of billion years (or 6000 biblical years depending on your point of view) ahead to Enrico Fermi in his lab. Fermi had been pretty much whiling his time away doing nothing, so he got a memo from his boss which read
“All day long, you do nothing but just sit here
Hoping for an idea to strike, while drinking beer
But now, it’s time for you to get off your bottom
To do some physics and go split an atom”
Well, his boss did not exactly send a memo but I had to fit in that poem somewhere. So Fermi got busy trying to split an atom. His initial technique involved placing a little bit of uranium on the table and then using a big hammer. But three broken tables and a swollen thumb later, he realized that a hammer was not really the way to go. So after experimenting with scissors, knives and nail clippers, he finally hit upon the nuclear reactor. A nuclear reactor is a huge dome containing uranium. Instead of a hammer, we have a gigantic pestle that pounds the uranium till it splits and releases energy.
Now that you have the scientific know-how, it is easier to explain the controversy behind the nuclear deal. See, the Congress government wants to import the pestle from the United States, since it would take us several years to make our own. But the communists want us to use the sickle to split an atom. And they want it to be imported from China. A sickle is fine if you want to chop coconuts but for atoms, it just won’t fly (If you recall, Fermi did not even attempt a sickle. Nail clipper...yes, but not a sickle)
So our communist comrades decided to withdraw their support to the government which actually turned out pretty well for the Congress. Now they have been able to go forward with the deal.
Very soon, power cuts in Bangalore will be a thing of the past. That means I don’t have to worry about the power going off while I am writing a blog post.
Becaase typeng in tha dark may leed to spalling misstikes
Friday, July 18, 2008
Too good to 'Refuse'
Every time I think about all the idiots who are in power, running the world, I am on the brink of becoming a cynic but then something happens that pulls me right back. And this time, it is the following news that gladdened my heart
Californians want to name their San Francisco sewage plant after George Bush.
I really hope, for San Francisco’s sake, that this renaming happens. I can already think of a new slogan for the city – “Welcome to San Francisco. Having dysentery here was never this fun”
Not to mention, the sentence “George Bush is so full of shit” will no longer be a metaphor. Maybe over time, the name will actually be used in popular phrases
“I broke my arm in an accident”
“Well, Bush happens”
In fact, this is something that needs to be followed everywhere, especially in our country. All politicians must be rated on their performance depending on which they would be eligible to get a landmark named after them. Landmarks could be airports, highways, local streets, footpaths and sewage plants.
I can think of a bunch of people here whose names would be perfect for sewage plants. But the problem is we have too many lousy politicians and too few sewage plants.
As a solution, we would need to include public toilets in the list as well. This will encourage people to use them just so they can vent their frustrations on their politicians. Imagine what you would not give, to be able to pee on your favorite politico. In the process, our cities would get much cleaner too.
Coming back to San Francisco, one does wonder if the residents there would be happy about using George’s name for a sewage plant or be offended that THEIR sewage plant was being named after Bush. But you have to accept that whoever thought of this idea has a pretty...hmm..."fertile" imagination.
My advice is that all of you in California should vote for this idea and when you win, go out and eat as much junk as possible.
After all, you need to be ready for the grand opening....
Californians want to name their San Francisco sewage plant after George Bush.
I really hope, for San Francisco’s sake, that this renaming happens. I can already think of a new slogan for the city – “Welcome to San Francisco. Having dysentery here was never this fun”
Not to mention, the sentence “George Bush is so full of shit” will no longer be a metaphor. Maybe over time, the name will actually be used in popular phrases
“I broke my arm in an accident”
“Well, Bush happens”
In fact, this is something that needs to be followed everywhere, especially in our country. All politicians must be rated on their performance depending on which they would be eligible to get a landmark named after them. Landmarks could be airports, highways, local streets, footpaths and sewage plants.
I can think of a bunch of people here whose names would be perfect for sewage plants. But the problem is we have too many lousy politicians and too few sewage plants.
As a solution, we would need to include public toilets in the list as well. This will encourage people to use them just so they can vent their frustrations on their politicians. Imagine what you would not give, to be able to pee on your favorite politico. In the process, our cities would get much cleaner too.
Coming back to San Francisco, one does wonder if the residents there would be happy about using George’s name for a sewage plant or be offended that THEIR sewage plant was being named after Bush. But you have to accept that whoever thought of this idea has a pretty...hmm..."fertile" imagination.
My advice is that all of you in California should vote for this idea and when you win, go out and eat as much junk as possible.
After all, you need to be ready for the grand opening....
Monday, July 14, 2008
A warm weekend
This was a total bummer of a weekend. I stayed put at home the whole time, looks like age is catching up with me. How I miss those wild weekends during college when I would throw all caution to the wind and spend hours in the.....public library. Hmmm, now that I think about it, I guess I never was much of a people’s person. But that is material for another post.
Coming back to my weekend memoir, I caught up on a few movies that I have wanted to see for sometime now. Remember Al Gore (the guy who claimed that he invented the internet), I saw the documentary that he made called ‘An inconvenient truth’
Disappointingly it was not about Lewinsky and Clinton. It was about global warming. Like all men, the foremost thought that popped into my head was “Would this in anyway change the dressing habits of Rakhi Sawant ?”. Guys, unfortunately, the answer is ‘No’. Well, not without breaking the law. So that destroyed my hope of any silver lining that this cloud of global warming may have had.
The gist of the documentary was that the earth is getting warmer and warmer and Shilpa Shetty’s legs are not the cause for it. Apparently, it is caused by all the fossil fuel that we are burning up every day. Although that sounds pretty convincing, I believe the root cause of global warming is the Sun.
As a concerned global citizen, I could not let this happen to Earth, at least not until I get my room air conditioned. So after some intense brainstorming which lasted all of twenty two seconds, I came up with a pretty neat idea inspired by what Archimedes had said long ago - “Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth” (Apparently, he was trying to board a public bus).
Here is my idea, first we get a really long pole and push it all the way to Venus which we shall use as our support. And now we PUSH real hard, this should move us away from the sun a few thousand kilometers. Presto!! Problem solved.
But then again, this may not work. Firstly, because all that pushing would require a huge effort involving everyone on earth and I am busy till next Friday. Secondly, Archimedes is hardly a guy to be taken seriously. He ran out of his bathtub leaving his underwear behind, for crying out loud !!.
So looks like we would need to fall back on the traditional solutions that the movie talked about. Plant more trees, use car pooling and public transport, and walk as much as you can.
I do a little of the first two but the last one is what I do very regularly. It feels good to know that I am doing my part to fix the planet. I walk as much as I can.
Twenty minutes on the treadmill everyday should be good enough, don’t you think ?
Coming back to my weekend memoir, I caught up on a few movies that I have wanted to see for sometime now. Remember Al Gore (the guy who claimed that he invented the internet), I saw the documentary that he made called ‘An inconvenient truth’
Disappointingly it was not about Lewinsky and Clinton. It was about global warming. Like all men, the foremost thought that popped into my head was “Would this in anyway change the dressing habits of Rakhi Sawant ?”. Guys, unfortunately, the answer is ‘No’. Well, not without breaking the law. So that destroyed my hope of any silver lining that this cloud of global warming may have had.
The gist of the documentary was that the earth is getting warmer and warmer and Shilpa Shetty’s legs are not the cause for it. Apparently, it is caused by all the fossil fuel that we are burning up every day. Although that sounds pretty convincing, I believe the root cause of global warming is the Sun.
As a concerned global citizen, I could not let this happen to Earth, at least not until I get my room air conditioned. So after some intense brainstorming which lasted all of twenty two seconds, I came up with a pretty neat idea inspired by what Archimedes had said long ago - “Give me a place to stand and I will move the earth” (Apparently, he was trying to board a public bus).
Here is my idea, first we get a really long pole and push it all the way to Venus which we shall use as our support. And now we PUSH real hard, this should move us away from the sun a few thousand kilometers. Presto!! Problem solved.
But then again, this may not work. Firstly, because all that pushing would require a huge effort involving everyone on earth and I am busy till next Friday. Secondly, Archimedes is hardly a guy to be taken seriously. He ran out of his bathtub leaving his underwear behind, for crying out loud !!.
So looks like we would need to fall back on the traditional solutions that the movie talked about. Plant more trees, use car pooling and public transport, and walk as much as you can.
I do a little of the first two but the last one is what I do very regularly. It feels good to know that I am doing my part to fix the planet. I walk as much as I can.
Twenty minutes on the treadmill everyday should be good enough, don’t you think ?
Monday, July 7, 2008
Back in Bangalore
It feels great to be back after three weeks of being away. It was a wonderful feeling to step out of the plane after it landed in Bangalore. Well, not because I missed home or my people, the reason is a lot less appealing. Picture this; you are on an overnight flight for 18 hours which basically means you are stuck in a plane full of people who have not brushed their teeth for a whole day.
The person next to me seemed to be bent upon chatting with me. Come on, in a state like that, I would not even want to talk to Salma Hayek, anything else is fine but NO TALKING period. I did try giving him some subtle hints like pulling myself away from him every time he spoke or stuffing the pillow on my face and once I even offered him a chewing gum and a toilet brush...ha ha...of course, I am kidding, I did not really offer him the chewing gum. But the man refused to take any hints and merrily continued to talk and all I could do was time my breathing to synchronize with his pauses. I guess it could have been worse, it could have been a plane full of people with upset stomachs (hey think about it, three hundred people eating airplane food !!, with an arsenal like that, we can repulse any Martian attack on Earth). And unlike buses, you cannot even open a window and gasp for air, I would have given it a shot though
I am telling you, I was the happiest person on the plane when it landed.
However, the baggage handling at the new airport needs work. We had to wait for so long at the carousal to get our baggage that a few people actually had to shave twice by the time we got our bags (and one of them was a woman, yeah that’s how slow it was).
I did have the weekend to get up to date with the state of affairs here. The state government is still around which is good news...I think. India lost the cricket finals yesterday which means the boys are in fine touch as usual. And all the potholes on my street are still there (oh how I missed you all my little ones. I always say that potholes are like children, you can see them grow right before your eyes).
And Salma, I was only kidding. I would love to hear you talk, whatever be the time of day...just let me get a surgical mask….
The person next to me seemed to be bent upon chatting with me. Come on, in a state like that, I would not even want to talk to Salma Hayek, anything else is fine but NO TALKING period. I did try giving him some subtle hints like pulling myself away from him every time he spoke or stuffing the pillow on my face and once I even offered him a chewing gum and a toilet brush...ha ha...of course, I am kidding, I did not really offer him the chewing gum. But the man refused to take any hints and merrily continued to talk and all I could do was time my breathing to synchronize with his pauses. I guess it could have been worse, it could have been a plane full of people with upset stomachs (hey think about it, three hundred people eating airplane food !!, with an arsenal like that, we can repulse any Martian attack on Earth). And unlike buses, you cannot even open a window and gasp for air, I would have given it a shot though
I am telling you, I was the happiest person on the plane when it landed.
However, the baggage handling at the new airport needs work. We had to wait for so long at the carousal to get our baggage that a few people actually had to shave twice by the time we got our bags (and one of them was a woman, yeah that’s how slow it was).
I did have the weekend to get up to date with the state of affairs here. The state government is still around which is good news...I think. India lost the cricket finals yesterday which means the boys are in fine touch as usual. And all the potholes on my street are still there (oh how I missed you all my little ones. I always say that potholes are like children, you can see them grow right before your eyes).
And Salma, I was only kidding. I would love to hear you talk, whatever be the time of day...just let me get a surgical mask….
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