Ask Aprameya

Sometimes my readers (both imaginary and real but mostly imaginary) send across questions that they are desperately looking for an answer to. Their questions range across a wide array of topics from office problems, to personal issues, to Paris Hilton’s latest exploits. But since this blog post has been certified PG 13, I refuse to entertain any questions on Paris Hilton. So let’s get started with the other questions right away

Q: Hi, I frequently find myself in boring office meetings which I feel are as interesting as watching a Karan Johar movie in slow motion. So how do I get out of such meetings ?

A: As a productive member of the corporate world, this is a question that is of utmost importance to you. Every so often you would be forced to attend important corporate wide meetings where you find that you don’t really have a clue what they are talking about. Instead, you feel that this time can be more productively spent like, for example, reading this blog. Ok, here are a few simple tips to get out of boring meetings.
         1. Never be the first to leave. It does not pay to draw attention to yourself. You would not want the head of the organization asking who the person who walked out was, do you ?
         2. Don’t wait for the room to be half empty. If the meeting reaches a stage where there are more empty chairs than people, then you will find yourself in a situation where you will personally feel responsible for listening to the speaker till the very end. This is a point of no return. If you reach this place, then good luck.
         3. A lot of scientific studies (conducted by people who write blogs) have concluded that the safest time to walk out of a meeting is after the first 5 percent of the people leave.

Q. Thanks for the tip, yesterday was my wife’s birthday so I had to go home early. I successfully used your technique to get out of a boring meeting. But apparently, it turns out that my wife’s birthday was last week. Do you have any suggestions on how to remember dates ?

A: I have seen many a problem due to men being such insensitive louts. Sorry my friend, I am bad at remembering dates too. But I have an idea to fix this. My solution is that first you pick a date, make sure it is one that you can remember, something like Jan 1st (a day when you will be sufficiently drunk to try a stunt like this). Now insist that your wife’s birthday, or for that matter anything else that you tend to forget, is on this day. She may try to deny it. But don’t take no for an answer. Use all your tact to convince her that you are right.

“Happy new year dear and happy birthday too”
“My birthday is in June, you jackass”
“That’s what you believe but I think I know better, I insist that your birthday is on the 1st of Jan. And while I am at it, happy marriage anniversary dear”

Q: Everyday I read about some new disaster in the newspapers. There is so much tragedy everywhere. There is only destruction and mayhem and possibilities of war....

A: Do you have a question in sight ?

Q. Well, how do I make money out of it ?

A: You sick capitalist pig....welcome to the club and buy some oil stocks.

Q. This is the wife of the husband who took your suggestion on dates. Do you know how to fix a broken nose ?

A: That’s a very good question. But unfortunately I am completely out of time as I have a meeting to attend.