Looks like this is a week of bizarre news, here is another one.
Lady in the closet
For those of you who are too lazy to click on the link, here is a short summary
In Japan, in a town called Fukuoka, a woman has been arrested for sneaking into a man's house and living in his closet without him knowing. Apparently, she was doing that for a year. He finally figured it out using surveillance cameras after he began noticing that food went missing from his fridge.
At this moment, you are thinking “There is actually a town named Fukuoka !!!”.
I am sure this has caused a lot cultural misunderstandings.
“Hi, I am from Bangalore, where are you from ?”
“Fukuoka”
“Whoa !!, I was just trying to be nice. Fukuoka yourself, buster”
Coming back to the incident in question, I am kind of in awe of the woman who managed to get away without paying rent for a whole year. Sure, the living conditions were not exactly five star standards but remember it came with a fridge full of food and that is a huge money saver. If you think that’s not a big deal, you should try consuming the stuff in the fridge of a five star hotel room. That’s the fastest way of getting from a star hotel room to living in somebody else’s closet.
But one cannot help feeling sorry for the man. He was in a live-in relationship for a year and he did not even know it. So basically, he was clueless about the woman in the house. This is even worse than being...you know...married. Married men at least know that they are clueless.
If only the lady had been a little more discreet about how much she ate, she probably could have carried on for ever. Both of them could have gone on with their lives with really knowing each other. Again, the mark of many a married couple.
Anyway, her jig is up, she has been evicted from the home in question. So you better keep your closet door locked and your fridge empty.
Hey, where is the pack of chips that I had left on the table ?
Friday, May 30, 2008
Tuesday, May 27, 2008
Help ! we lost a plane
The new Bangalore International Airport has been in the news the whole of this week. There have been both praises and curses about the new airport. To be fair, it sure does take some time for things to fall in place and hopefully it will happen soon. Although, call me pedantic if you will, I think it is fairly reasonable to expect an airport to know where its planes are. I refer to this news item
Missing plane at BIAL
Apparently, a plane went missing and the passengers were left waiting for a few hours while the authorities went around looking for the plane.
This immediately raised a whole lot of questions in my mind
1. How, the hell, does one loose a plane ?
2. What if they had lost it while it was flying ?
3. Were there any single, hot women among the waiting passengers ?
So you think the last question is totally irrelevant and out of place. Puhleease !!, that is a relevant question for all times, places and situations. Sample this :
“Hey, I volunteered at the temple today”
- Were there any single, hot women there ?
“Hey, I had been to a funeral today”
- Were there any single, hot women there ?
“Hey, I just won the longest beard competition”
- Were there any....hmm....ok, may not be relevant in all situations.
Anyway, coming back to the case of the missing plane, I can understand if they had misplaced something smaller like, I don’t know, the ignition key (“Heck, I am sure I had it in my pocket, now we have got to push this damn thing. All passengers get down....NOW”)
But loosing an airplane ??. That is something that even I can’t pull off and I loose things all the time (you should see me searching for my towel in the mornings).
The news item does not say what the authorities did next. I assume they asked their floor cleaners to look out for a missing Boeing. They finally found it hiding in the attic and managed to lure it out by dangling a biscuit. Oh wait, that’s the story of my neighbour’s cat. The plane apparently was on the tarmac the whole time. The passengers were relieved that the plane was finally found and more importantly, the pilot had the ignition key in his pocket.
So the next time you go to the airport to board your plane, just watch out for missing planes and if you find a towel lying unclaimed, let me know...
Missing plane at BIAL
Apparently, a plane went missing and the passengers were left waiting for a few hours while the authorities went around looking for the plane.
This immediately raised a whole lot of questions in my mind
1. How, the hell, does one loose a plane ?
2. What if they had lost it while it was flying ?
3. Were there any single, hot women among the waiting passengers ?
So you think the last question is totally irrelevant and out of place. Puhleease !!, that is a relevant question for all times, places and situations. Sample this :
“Hey, I volunteered at the temple today”
- Were there any single, hot women there ?
“Hey, I had been to a funeral today”
- Were there any single, hot women there ?
“Hey, I just won the longest beard competition”
- Were there any....hmm....ok, may not be relevant in all situations.
Anyway, coming back to the case of the missing plane, I can understand if they had misplaced something smaller like, I don’t know, the ignition key (“Heck, I am sure I had it in my pocket, now we have got to push this damn thing. All passengers get down....NOW”)
But loosing an airplane ??. That is something that even I can’t pull off and I loose things all the time (you should see me searching for my towel in the mornings).
The news item does not say what the authorities did next. I assume they asked their floor cleaners to look out for a missing Boeing. They finally found it hiding in the attic and managed to lure it out by dangling a biscuit. Oh wait, that’s the story of my neighbour’s cat. The plane apparently was on the tarmac the whole time. The passengers were relieved that the plane was finally found and more importantly, the pilot had the ignition key in his pocket.
So the next time you go to the airport to board your plane, just watch out for missing planes and if you find a towel lying unclaimed, let me know...
Tuesday, May 20, 2008
English for dummies
I am appalled, I tell you, simply appalled at the degradation of the English language in the hands of these cell phone users and their penchant for messaging. I suspect if Shakespeare had used SMS English, then Hamlet would be saying “2 b r not 2 b dats da qstn”. So in this post, I intend to take on the tough questions on the usage of English so that we may all write, like…you know, better or whatever. So here goes…
Q. I always get, confused by: punctuation and use. them inappropriately ? I am especially, confused, by comma, Can you talk about, where they should appear,
Ans: Bad punctuation has been the; undoing ‘ of many, otherwise great, writers (one name immediately comes to mind). But to answer your specific question, the comma has a lot of potential to be used inappropriately, for example, let’s take a sentence “I love dancing with you around, this club stinks though” and now move the comma around “I love dancing, with you around this club stinks though”.
As you can clearly see, a misplaced comma can turn a person from being great to dance with, to someone who has not heard of soap.
Q. Ok, can you also talk about where a colon should appear ?
Ans: Unlike commas, that can appear in the middle of a sentence, a colon does not have positional liberty. A colon always appears at the end of your intestine.
Q. I have never been able to understand why English has silent alphabets in some words. Can you explain ?
Ans: For this we would have to turn to the traditional rivalry between the French and the British. In order to assert the sophistication of the French language, the French decided that what they write and how they pronounce it will have no relationship whatsoever. And so they coined words like au revoir (pronounced: “aaau rrr r”), croissant (pronounced “croaaa...I will have a burger instead, thank you”) and lingerie (pronounced: “Wow”). The British, not to be outdone, rose to the challenge and immediately added a ‘p’ to ‘pneumonia’. I agree that pneumonia is a lot less appealing than lingerie but I guess that’s the best that they could come up with. Well, that and the spice girls (pronounced: “Wow”).
Q. If I write “What the hell is your problem”, should I end it with a question mark since it is not exactly a question ?
Ans: The grammatically correct way to write it is “Eat mud, numskull.”
Q. Is Indian English good or bad for English ?
Ans: Indian English is India’s revenge against 300 years of British colonial rule. Our grammar may be atrocious but that and all we can manage. Some English people are simply simply telling that our English is bad because they are not understanding our accent. To such people, we are to be telling “pshut up”
So there folks, I hope you are much better off at English now than before. Remember, good writing begins with good English. Make sure ur grammar iz rite and ur speling iz corect, if u do dis, then u will bcom a gr8 riter.
Q. I always get, confused by: punctuation and use. them inappropriately ? I am especially, confused, by comma, Can you talk about, where they should appear,
Ans: Bad punctuation has been the; undoing ‘ of many, otherwise great, writers (one name immediately comes to mind). But to answer your specific question, the comma has a lot of potential to be used inappropriately, for example, let’s take a sentence “I love dancing with you around, this club stinks though” and now move the comma around “I love dancing, with you around this club stinks though”.
As you can clearly see, a misplaced comma can turn a person from being great to dance with, to someone who has not heard of soap.
Q. Ok, can you also talk about where a colon should appear ?
Ans: Unlike commas, that can appear in the middle of a sentence, a colon does not have positional liberty. A colon always appears at the end of your intestine.
Q. I have never been able to understand why English has silent alphabets in some words. Can you explain ?
Ans: For this we would have to turn to the traditional rivalry between the French and the British. In order to assert the sophistication of the French language, the French decided that what they write and how they pronounce it will have no relationship whatsoever. And so they coined words like au revoir (pronounced: “aaau rrr r”), croissant (pronounced “croaaa...I will have a burger instead, thank you”) and lingerie (pronounced: “Wow”). The British, not to be outdone, rose to the challenge and immediately added a ‘p’ to ‘pneumonia’. I agree that pneumonia is a lot less appealing than lingerie but I guess that’s the best that they could come up with. Well, that and the spice girls (pronounced: “Wow”).
Q. If I write “What the hell is your problem”, should I end it with a question mark since it is not exactly a question ?
Ans: The grammatically correct way to write it is “Eat mud, numskull.”
Q. Is Indian English good or bad for English ?
Ans: Indian English is India’s revenge against 300 years of British colonial rule. Our grammar may be atrocious but that and all we can manage. Some English people are simply simply telling that our English is bad because they are not understanding our accent. To such people, we are to be telling “pshut up”
So there folks, I hope you are much better off at English now than before. Remember, good writing begins with good English. Make sure ur grammar iz rite and ur speling iz corect, if u do dis, then u will bcom a gr8 riter.
Monday, May 5, 2008
A murder on the highway
[Preface: Since the past couple of weeks, I have been wondering if I could come up with a murder mystery with as few characters as possible and still create a doubt in the reader’s mind. So I took a shot at it. Do note that since I do not have the luxury to create an elaborate buildup of the storyline (this being a blog post), I have had to rely on conversations to build up the scenario. I don’t know if it has been worth the effort but here goes....]
Inspector Sharan Patel was at his desk just as the clock struck nine. He was a stickler for punctuality, though he seldom left when his work hours ended. He began reading the case file that was in front of him, for the umpteenth time. And today he hoped to bring about a closure to this case.
His reading was interrupted by a soft knock on the door and two men entered the room. Both of them were in their forties and dressed in formal business attire.
“Please come in gentlemen. Thank you both for agreeing to meet me today inspite of your business pressures. Do take your seats” Inspector Patel gestured towards the chairs.
“Well, we want to put this issue behind us as soon as possible Mr. Patel. It has been an agonizing week for us as you can understand” said the bespectacled man in the grey suit.
“Oh I understand completely Mr. Kalyan. It is tough losing your business associate of 18 years and then having to go through all this police investigation” said the inspector.
“Raghuram was not just a business partner, inspector. The three of us have been friends since college”. It was the other man who spoke.
“I know Mr. Mahadev and I shall try and keep this meeting as short as possible. But there are some loose ends in this case which I hope you both could help in tying up”
“So let me recount what we have on this case so far. Raghuram left his office at eleven in the night last Friday and drove alone to Shringeri. At around 7am in the morning as he approached the town, he stopped the car and got down. This was when he was fatally knocked down by an oncoming vehicle”
“He was a frequent visitor to the temple. He would go to Shringeri whenever he was disturbed” said Kalyan
“And what was the reason why he seemed disturbed ?” asked the inspector
“Oh, he had been having marital problems for quite some time now. Over the last one year or so, he has been pretty much cut off from work. But lately, since the past few months, he was terribly upset about something but he would not talk about it to any of us. His behavior became very erratic and we even lost out on a few big contracts because of his indifference to work. But what does that have to do with his accident, inspector ?” asked Kalyan
“You see, Mr. Kalyan, there are a few points that strike me as odd. For one, the place where Raghuram stopped his car is pretty much a straight stretch of road with a clear visibility of a few kilometers and it was early morning with enough sunlight. Secondly, the car itself has sustained minimal damage as the impact appears to have been directed towards Raghuram. Lastly, there were absolutely no screech marks to indicate the driver of the other vehicle even tried to avoid the accident. All this leads me to believe that this was not just another accident but a homicide”
“Oh, that’s unbelievable, Inspector. Raghu had no enemies. He was soft natured and never reprimanded anyone even when they did something wrong” Mahadev exclaimed.
“Exactly, that leaves me with only few options. Tell me, Mr. Kalyan, what are the terms of your partnership and what are the provisions in the eventuality of one of the partners dying ?” inspector Patel had a more serious tone as he spoke.
“This is preposterous inspector, are you suggesting that we had anything to do with his death ?” Kalyan rose from his seat
“That is what I intend to find out. Maybe one of you was involved, maybe both. Though I do hope neither of you had anything to do with this. I request you to calm down and take your seat. Now, if you could answer my question on the partnership, please ?”
Mahadev placed his hand on Kalyan trying to calm him down, as he answered “We are a small cap company, inspector. I and Kalyan, hold 20 percent each while Raghu held 25 percent of the shares. The rest is held by institutions and the public. In the event of any of the partners wanting out, then he would first have to offer his shares to the other partners and only when they declined, could he sell them in the open market. In the case of the demise of any one of us, the shares would automatically split between the remaining two and the family of the partner who died would be compensated according to the worth of the shares. This was to ensure that the controlling stake would remain within us”
“Has there been any contention about the ownership of the firm ?”
“None inspector” Mahadev replied.
“Well, maybe you are not aware of it Mr.Mahadev. I think Mr.Kalyan may have a different story. I spoke to your staff during my investigations and the janitor who works the night shift told me that you and Raghuram had a bitter altercation two months ago about Raghuram’s shares. The janitor says that he overheard you yelling at Raghuram that he better sell his stake to you, isn’t that so Mr.Kalyan ?” inspector Patel turned to Kalyan.
“Well, yes. Like I said, he had caused us to lose a few big contracts and I did not want that to continue. We were friends, yes. But I could not overlook his shortcomings which were costing us big money and so I offered to buy out his stake but he did not want to sell it. That was when I lost my cool and yelled at him. It is not like I yelled at him for the first time. As with any business partners, the three of us have had differences before. That does not mean that I had anything to do with his death” replied Kalyan.
“How come you never bothered to mention that to me ?. And why would you want to buy his stake without even letting me know” Mahadev seemed agitated.
“I was going to if he was willing to sell his stake but since he declined. I did not bring this to your notice as it did not matter” Kalyan continued looking towards inspector Patel as he responded.
Patel then turned to Mahadev
“Well, Mr. Kalyan mentioned about Raghuram having problems in married life, would you be able to throw some light on it Mr. Mahadev ?”
“Why do you suppose I would know anything about it? Raghu seldom talked about his personal problems with us”
“Oh come on Mr. Mahadev, you don’t think that you can hide it for long, do you ?. Ever since this case began, both of you have been under surveillance. I have gone through your phone records from the past six months and interestingly the most calls you made during this period is to the number that belongs to Mrs. Raghuram. Though, I am surprised that there were virtually no calls the last two months.”
“What is he talking about, Dev ?” a surprised Kalyan looked at Mahadev
“Absolute nonsense inspector, I did speak to Shyla often, she heads the HR department of our company and since the HR wing is in a different part of the town, I can only reach her by phone. Also, I knew her from our college days. That does not mean there was anything going on between us as you imply” Mahadev was trying hard to keep his anger in check.
“Now, now Mr.Mahadev, I would not be throwing accusations of this kind if I was not sure of it. Few months ago, you had taken a week off because of what you claimed as ill health. I find it interesting that Mrs. Raghuram had also decided to go for a training in Ahmadabad at around the same time. Infact, when I checked the company leave records over the past one year, I see that Mrs. Raghuram seemed to have trainings or health issues mostly during times you took a few days off. So don’t insult my intelligence any more. Or do you want me to get Shyla here as well ?”
Mahadev was visibly uncomfortable and began shifting in his seat.
“Ok, I admit we were seeing each other. It started as a harmless flirtation but over time we realized that we liked each other a lot. She decided to leave Raghu for me and over the past one year she tried her best to do so. She would frequently look for an excuse to pick a fight and throw tantrums. Raghu, like I mentioned, was soft natured and would bear all the humiliation that was hurled his way. But he began suspecting that Shyla was seeing someone else though he did not know it was me. So Shyla decided that we needed to take a break from each other. We stopped calling or seeing each other since. Finally, Shyla began demanding a divorce since the past two months but Raghu would not hear of it.”
“God !!, and so you thought the only way out was to get rid of Raghu for good…” exclaimed Kalyan
“Shut up, Kalyan. From what I can gather, you had an equally persuasive motive, did you not ?” Mahadev shot back.
“You think, I would have done such a thing for his shares ?. You idiot, he would have sold it to me sooner or later. If his wife went to court for a divorce, he would need all the money he had for the alimony. So I would have had to just wait”
“No one knew about Shyla demanding a divorce apart from me and Raghu. So how the hell would you be willing to wait out till it happened ?. You seem to know a little more than what you claim”
“Interesting, now we have both of you with strong enough motives to get rid of Raghuram. Can you both tell me what you were doing the weekend of the accident? Why don’t you go first Mr.Mahadev” inspector Patel interrupted
“I had to fly to Bombay over the weekend to meet a potential customer. Since I had a lot of work to complete before I left, I decided to take off to Bombay right after work and so had brought along my luggage as well. I took off by the 8pm flight, I was there for two days and returned on Monday morning at around 7 am”
“Is there anyone who could vouch for that ?” inquired Patel.
“Absolutely, you can check with our secretary who booked my tickets and reserved the hotel room as well. In fact, I had discussions with the customer in the lobby of the same hotel” replied Mahadev.
“What about you Mr.Kalyan, do you have an alibi as well ?” Patel turned to Kalyan.
“I worked through Friday night and the whole of Saturday as well. I had to complete some tenders which had to be submitted on Monday. By the time I went home on Saturday, it was close to midnight”
“Was there anyone else in the office that day who can verify your statements Mr.Kalyan ?”
“No, we have a five day week and no one turned up for work that Saturday. I did see housekeeping personal and the gardener working for a brief period in the morning. I doubt if they saw me”
“So you have thirty six hours of unaccounted time and thirty six hours is more than enough for someone to drive up to Shringeri and back.” Patel spoke softly with his eyes half closed. “And, you did want his stake in the company for yourself”
“By the way, Mr.Kalyan did any of your partners know that you were accumulating shares through the accounts of your wife and other family members, from the open market over the past few months and your stake is now twenty three percent ?” asked the inspector, his eyes still closed as slowly rocked back and forth on his chair.
“What !!” cried Mahadev who had a look of shock on his face.
“Oh yes, Mr.Dev, so with Raghuram’s stake of twenty five percent, Mr.Kalyan would have had the controlling stake in the company, well almost” the inspector said.
“And you had the nerve to accuse me of wanting to get rid of Raghu” Mahadev said, his voice rising with every word.
“That’s ridiculous inspector, the stake would have been mine only if he had sold it to me. Otherwise, it gets divided between me and Dev” countered Kalyan. He continued
“But it’s true that I wanted to acquire the controlling stake in the company. Raghu was ruining my company with his hare brained ideas with Dev supporting him without a second thought. I could not let it happen to the company I worked so hard for”. The bitterness in Kalyan’s voice was apparent. “But I swear by God, that I would not stoop to the level of killing him”
“Leave that to me Mr.Kalyan, I am paid for exactly that – to find out how low people can stoop” remarked Patel. He continued “So Mr.Dev, you said you left for Bombay right after work. So who had access to your car over the weekend ?”
“No one inspector, I took the keys with me. I wanted to hand it over to Kalyan but I forgot and the keys remained in my coat pocket”
“What about your car, Mr.Kalyan. Assuming you were at work the whole of Saturday, could someone have used your car in the meantime, did you lend it to anyone ?”
“No, I had the keys with me the whole time”
The inspector closed his eyes. He began nodding his head and a smile appeared on his face.
“Well, gentlemen, thank you both for your time. You have helped me tie up the loose ends in this case”
“So you are convinced that it was indeed an accident and we had nothing to do with it”. It was Kalyan who spoke.
“Oh no, quite the contrary, I knew it was a premeditated murder. But now I know who did it” replied the inspector, his eyes were still closed.
Both Kalyan and Mahadev looked at each other. And before either of them could speak, the inspector rose from his seat.
“So both of you had equally strong motives, one wanted Raghu’s wife and the other wanted his shares. Love and money, the two most common reasons for all murders and here we have both. But only one of you had the drive to go all the way”
He went around the table and stood behind the two men. He continued to speak
“Well, in this case, I think money came in second. Isn’t that so, Mr.Mahadev ?” Patel placed his right hand on Mahadev’s shoulder.
“I have had suspicions on both of you from the start. Kalyan here had both the motive and the opportunity. We have only his word for where he was on Saturday. You had the motive but you had an equally good alibi. I checked with the hotel at Bombay and they confirmed that a room was occupied by Mahadev for two days. The airlines too confirmed that Mahadev had indeed flown to and from Bombay on those dates. You seemed to have a solid alibi until you mentioned that you took the car keys with you. That was a big mistake Mr.Dev, you should not have revealed that”
Mahadev betrayed no emotions. He appeared calm and composed. Patel went on “You see one of the checks that I did was to obtain your credit card transactions of the entire month. And you know what struck me as odd Mr.Dev ?”. Mahadev remained silent. “I saw that you had filled up fuel for your car on Friday evening before you took off to Bombay. But, most interestingly, you filled up a full tank again on Monday morning when you returned from Bombay”
Inspector Patel paused to let the words sink in. He then resumed “You just claimed that the key was with you the whole time and so that rules out the possibility that somebody else had access to your car. And next time you send somebody to impersonate you, make sure they share your dietary preferences. I got hold of the bills from the hotel in Bombay and for a vegetarian, you sure did eat a lot of fish”
“There is no way you can prove that it was my car that was involved in the accident” countered Mahadev
“Well, we will leave that to the forensic department. I hope when you washed your car to get rid off all the blood, you used bleach and not just soap. Because, you see, a luminol test will reveal any bit of blood left over”
For the first time, Mahadev looked agitated. “If only he had agreed to divorce Shyla, this would have never happened. It’s all his fault” he snapped. Patel remained silent. He knew there was more to come. Mahadev continued “Ever since Shyla and I stopped meeting each other, it was simply unbearable for me. I had to do something to get rid of him, inspector. I hit upon this plan and was waiting for him to drive out alone somewhere. I had asked Shyla to inform me anytime he drove out of town.”
Patel interrupted “So Shyla was in this as well ?”
“Oh no, inspector, she thought I was asking her this so that we could meet up when he was out of town. She refused to do so since things were turning out bad between them and she said that we should keep away until she managed to get a divorce” Mahadev responded embarrassed, with his gaze firmly on the ground. He continued “But she missed me as much as I did. About six weeks ago, she emailed me that he was driving to Mysore. I had set up everything as planned. However, he fell sick the day before and so I had to abort my plans. Three weeks ago, Shyla mailed me that he was driving down to Mysore again but I could not get the tickets to Bombay on those dates. Then last week, on Wednesday, Shyla sent me another email informing me of Raghu driving to Shringeri on Friday night. This time there was no hitch and you know the rest”
As he finished, he covered his face with both his hands. It seemed as if the impact of what he had done was slowly sinking in on him.
“I would need to put together some paper work and will let you two work things out about your business affairs since Mahadev will probably need to go on leave for a long time” Inspector Patel walked out of the room leaving the two behind.
“Dev, as terrible as it may sound, I am not entirely surprised by what you did. I did know about you and Shyla for sometime now since I had access to email accounts of both of you and I also knew how desperate you both were, over the past few weeks” said Kalyan
Mahadev remained silent. His face still buried in his palms. He did not bother to look up.
“I am sorry for what happened. Let me know if you need any help from me.” Kalyan stood up and continued “I had asked him to go to Mysore a couple of times to meet a vendor there. Last week, since he was so disturbed, I suggested that he visit the temple. By the way, the inspector seems to have missed out another clause in our partnership agreement. Remember the one that says if anyone of us were to be indisposed for a period of more than a year, then he would be forced to sell his stake to the partners ?.”. He began walking towards the door.
As he neared the door, he turned around and spoke “Another thing Dev, it wasn’t Shyla who sent those mails. It was me. I knew you would take the bait sooner or later. The inspector was wrong, it was money that came first after all”
Mahadev raised his head and looked at Kalyan who seemed to have an enigmatic grin on his face as he turned around and walked out of the door. For a long time, Mahadev kept looking listlessly at the door.
Inspector Sharan Patel was at his desk just as the clock struck nine. He was a stickler for punctuality, though he seldom left when his work hours ended. He began reading the case file that was in front of him, for the umpteenth time. And today he hoped to bring about a closure to this case.
His reading was interrupted by a soft knock on the door and two men entered the room. Both of them were in their forties and dressed in formal business attire.
“Please come in gentlemen. Thank you both for agreeing to meet me today inspite of your business pressures. Do take your seats” Inspector Patel gestured towards the chairs.
“Well, we want to put this issue behind us as soon as possible Mr. Patel. It has been an agonizing week for us as you can understand” said the bespectacled man in the grey suit.
“Oh I understand completely Mr. Kalyan. It is tough losing your business associate of 18 years and then having to go through all this police investigation” said the inspector.
“Raghuram was not just a business partner, inspector. The three of us have been friends since college”. It was the other man who spoke.
“I know Mr. Mahadev and I shall try and keep this meeting as short as possible. But there are some loose ends in this case which I hope you both could help in tying up”
“So let me recount what we have on this case so far. Raghuram left his office at eleven in the night last Friday and drove alone to Shringeri. At around 7am in the morning as he approached the town, he stopped the car and got down. This was when he was fatally knocked down by an oncoming vehicle”
“He was a frequent visitor to the temple. He would go to Shringeri whenever he was disturbed” said Kalyan
“And what was the reason why he seemed disturbed ?” asked the inspector
“Oh, he had been having marital problems for quite some time now. Over the last one year or so, he has been pretty much cut off from work. But lately, since the past few months, he was terribly upset about something but he would not talk about it to any of us. His behavior became very erratic and we even lost out on a few big contracts because of his indifference to work. But what does that have to do with his accident, inspector ?” asked Kalyan
“You see, Mr. Kalyan, there are a few points that strike me as odd. For one, the place where Raghuram stopped his car is pretty much a straight stretch of road with a clear visibility of a few kilometers and it was early morning with enough sunlight. Secondly, the car itself has sustained minimal damage as the impact appears to have been directed towards Raghuram. Lastly, there were absolutely no screech marks to indicate the driver of the other vehicle even tried to avoid the accident. All this leads me to believe that this was not just another accident but a homicide”
“Oh, that’s unbelievable, Inspector. Raghu had no enemies. He was soft natured and never reprimanded anyone even when they did something wrong” Mahadev exclaimed.
“Exactly, that leaves me with only few options. Tell me, Mr. Kalyan, what are the terms of your partnership and what are the provisions in the eventuality of one of the partners dying ?” inspector Patel had a more serious tone as he spoke.
“This is preposterous inspector, are you suggesting that we had anything to do with his death ?” Kalyan rose from his seat
“That is what I intend to find out. Maybe one of you was involved, maybe both. Though I do hope neither of you had anything to do with this. I request you to calm down and take your seat. Now, if you could answer my question on the partnership, please ?”
Mahadev placed his hand on Kalyan trying to calm him down, as he answered “We are a small cap company, inspector. I and Kalyan, hold 20 percent each while Raghu held 25 percent of the shares. The rest is held by institutions and the public. In the event of any of the partners wanting out, then he would first have to offer his shares to the other partners and only when they declined, could he sell them in the open market. In the case of the demise of any one of us, the shares would automatically split between the remaining two and the family of the partner who died would be compensated according to the worth of the shares. This was to ensure that the controlling stake would remain within us”
“Has there been any contention about the ownership of the firm ?”
“None inspector” Mahadev replied.
“Well, maybe you are not aware of it Mr.Mahadev. I think Mr.Kalyan may have a different story. I spoke to your staff during my investigations and the janitor who works the night shift told me that you and Raghuram had a bitter altercation two months ago about Raghuram’s shares. The janitor says that he overheard you yelling at Raghuram that he better sell his stake to you, isn’t that so Mr.Kalyan ?” inspector Patel turned to Kalyan.
“Well, yes. Like I said, he had caused us to lose a few big contracts and I did not want that to continue. We were friends, yes. But I could not overlook his shortcomings which were costing us big money and so I offered to buy out his stake but he did not want to sell it. That was when I lost my cool and yelled at him. It is not like I yelled at him for the first time. As with any business partners, the three of us have had differences before. That does not mean that I had anything to do with his death” replied Kalyan.
“How come you never bothered to mention that to me ?. And why would you want to buy his stake without even letting me know” Mahadev seemed agitated.
“I was going to if he was willing to sell his stake but since he declined. I did not bring this to your notice as it did not matter” Kalyan continued looking towards inspector Patel as he responded.
Patel then turned to Mahadev
“Well, Mr. Kalyan mentioned about Raghuram having problems in married life, would you be able to throw some light on it Mr. Mahadev ?”
“Why do you suppose I would know anything about it? Raghu seldom talked about his personal problems with us”
“Oh come on Mr. Mahadev, you don’t think that you can hide it for long, do you ?. Ever since this case began, both of you have been under surveillance. I have gone through your phone records from the past six months and interestingly the most calls you made during this period is to the number that belongs to Mrs. Raghuram. Though, I am surprised that there were virtually no calls the last two months.”
“What is he talking about, Dev ?” a surprised Kalyan looked at Mahadev
“Absolute nonsense inspector, I did speak to Shyla often, she heads the HR department of our company and since the HR wing is in a different part of the town, I can only reach her by phone. Also, I knew her from our college days. That does not mean there was anything going on between us as you imply” Mahadev was trying hard to keep his anger in check.
“Now, now Mr.Mahadev, I would not be throwing accusations of this kind if I was not sure of it. Few months ago, you had taken a week off because of what you claimed as ill health. I find it interesting that Mrs. Raghuram had also decided to go for a training in Ahmadabad at around the same time. Infact, when I checked the company leave records over the past one year, I see that Mrs. Raghuram seemed to have trainings or health issues mostly during times you took a few days off. So don’t insult my intelligence any more. Or do you want me to get Shyla here as well ?”
Mahadev was visibly uncomfortable and began shifting in his seat.
“Ok, I admit we were seeing each other. It started as a harmless flirtation but over time we realized that we liked each other a lot. She decided to leave Raghu for me and over the past one year she tried her best to do so. She would frequently look for an excuse to pick a fight and throw tantrums. Raghu, like I mentioned, was soft natured and would bear all the humiliation that was hurled his way. But he began suspecting that Shyla was seeing someone else though he did not know it was me. So Shyla decided that we needed to take a break from each other. We stopped calling or seeing each other since. Finally, Shyla began demanding a divorce since the past two months but Raghu would not hear of it.”
“God !!, and so you thought the only way out was to get rid of Raghu for good…” exclaimed Kalyan
“Shut up, Kalyan. From what I can gather, you had an equally persuasive motive, did you not ?” Mahadev shot back.
“You think, I would have done such a thing for his shares ?. You idiot, he would have sold it to me sooner or later. If his wife went to court for a divorce, he would need all the money he had for the alimony. So I would have had to just wait”
“No one knew about Shyla demanding a divorce apart from me and Raghu. So how the hell would you be willing to wait out till it happened ?. You seem to know a little more than what you claim”
“Interesting, now we have both of you with strong enough motives to get rid of Raghuram. Can you both tell me what you were doing the weekend of the accident? Why don’t you go first Mr.Mahadev” inspector Patel interrupted
“I had to fly to Bombay over the weekend to meet a potential customer. Since I had a lot of work to complete before I left, I decided to take off to Bombay right after work and so had brought along my luggage as well. I took off by the 8pm flight, I was there for two days and returned on Monday morning at around 7 am”
“Is there anyone who could vouch for that ?” inquired Patel.
“Absolutely, you can check with our secretary who booked my tickets and reserved the hotel room as well. In fact, I had discussions with the customer in the lobby of the same hotel” replied Mahadev.
“What about you Mr.Kalyan, do you have an alibi as well ?” Patel turned to Kalyan.
“I worked through Friday night and the whole of Saturday as well. I had to complete some tenders which had to be submitted on Monday. By the time I went home on Saturday, it was close to midnight”
“Was there anyone else in the office that day who can verify your statements Mr.Kalyan ?”
“No, we have a five day week and no one turned up for work that Saturday. I did see housekeeping personal and the gardener working for a brief period in the morning. I doubt if they saw me”
“So you have thirty six hours of unaccounted time and thirty six hours is more than enough for someone to drive up to Shringeri and back.” Patel spoke softly with his eyes half closed. “And, you did want his stake in the company for yourself”
“By the way, Mr.Kalyan did any of your partners know that you were accumulating shares through the accounts of your wife and other family members, from the open market over the past few months and your stake is now twenty three percent ?” asked the inspector, his eyes still closed as slowly rocked back and forth on his chair.
“What !!” cried Mahadev who had a look of shock on his face.
“Oh yes, Mr.Dev, so with Raghuram’s stake of twenty five percent, Mr.Kalyan would have had the controlling stake in the company, well almost” the inspector said.
“And you had the nerve to accuse me of wanting to get rid of Raghu” Mahadev said, his voice rising with every word.
“That’s ridiculous inspector, the stake would have been mine only if he had sold it to me. Otherwise, it gets divided between me and Dev” countered Kalyan. He continued
“But it’s true that I wanted to acquire the controlling stake in the company. Raghu was ruining my company with his hare brained ideas with Dev supporting him without a second thought. I could not let it happen to the company I worked so hard for”. The bitterness in Kalyan’s voice was apparent. “But I swear by God, that I would not stoop to the level of killing him”
“Leave that to me Mr.Kalyan, I am paid for exactly that – to find out how low people can stoop” remarked Patel. He continued “So Mr.Dev, you said you left for Bombay right after work. So who had access to your car over the weekend ?”
“No one inspector, I took the keys with me. I wanted to hand it over to Kalyan but I forgot and the keys remained in my coat pocket”
“What about your car, Mr.Kalyan. Assuming you were at work the whole of Saturday, could someone have used your car in the meantime, did you lend it to anyone ?”
“No, I had the keys with me the whole time”
The inspector closed his eyes. He began nodding his head and a smile appeared on his face.
“Well, gentlemen, thank you both for your time. You have helped me tie up the loose ends in this case”
“So you are convinced that it was indeed an accident and we had nothing to do with it”. It was Kalyan who spoke.
“Oh no, quite the contrary, I knew it was a premeditated murder. But now I know who did it” replied the inspector, his eyes were still closed.
Both Kalyan and Mahadev looked at each other. And before either of them could speak, the inspector rose from his seat.
“So both of you had equally strong motives, one wanted Raghu’s wife and the other wanted his shares. Love and money, the two most common reasons for all murders and here we have both. But only one of you had the drive to go all the way”
He went around the table and stood behind the two men. He continued to speak
“Well, in this case, I think money came in second. Isn’t that so, Mr.Mahadev ?” Patel placed his right hand on Mahadev’s shoulder.
“I have had suspicions on both of you from the start. Kalyan here had both the motive and the opportunity. We have only his word for where he was on Saturday. You had the motive but you had an equally good alibi. I checked with the hotel at Bombay and they confirmed that a room was occupied by Mahadev for two days. The airlines too confirmed that Mahadev had indeed flown to and from Bombay on those dates. You seemed to have a solid alibi until you mentioned that you took the car keys with you. That was a big mistake Mr.Dev, you should not have revealed that”
Mahadev betrayed no emotions. He appeared calm and composed. Patel went on “You see one of the checks that I did was to obtain your credit card transactions of the entire month. And you know what struck me as odd Mr.Dev ?”. Mahadev remained silent. “I saw that you had filled up fuel for your car on Friday evening before you took off to Bombay. But, most interestingly, you filled up a full tank again on Monday morning when you returned from Bombay”
Inspector Patel paused to let the words sink in. He then resumed “You just claimed that the key was with you the whole time and so that rules out the possibility that somebody else had access to your car. And next time you send somebody to impersonate you, make sure they share your dietary preferences. I got hold of the bills from the hotel in Bombay and for a vegetarian, you sure did eat a lot of fish”
“There is no way you can prove that it was my car that was involved in the accident” countered Mahadev
“Well, we will leave that to the forensic department. I hope when you washed your car to get rid off all the blood, you used bleach and not just soap. Because, you see, a luminol test will reveal any bit of blood left over”
For the first time, Mahadev looked agitated. “If only he had agreed to divorce Shyla, this would have never happened. It’s all his fault” he snapped. Patel remained silent. He knew there was more to come. Mahadev continued “Ever since Shyla and I stopped meeting each other, it was simply unbearable for me. I had to do something to get rid of him, inspector. I hit upon this plan and was waiting for him to drive out alone somewhere. I had asked Shyla to inform me anytime he drove out of town.”
Patel interrupted “So Shyla was in this as well ?”
“Oh no, inspector, she thought I was asking her this so that we could meet up when he was out of town. She refused to do so since things were turning out bad between them and she said that we should keep away until she managed to get a divorce” Mahadev responded embarrassed, with his gaze firmly on the ground. He continued “But she missed me as much as I did. About six weeks ago, she emailed me that he was driving to Mysore. I had set up everything as planned. However, he fell sick the day before and so I had to abort my plans. Three weeks ago, Shyla mailed me that he was driving down to Mysore again but I could not get the tickets to Bombay on those dates. Then last week, on Wednesday, Shyla sent me another email informing me of Raghu driving to Shringeri on Friday night. This time there was no hitch and you know the rest”
As he finished, he covered his face with both his hands. It seemed as if the impact of what he had done was slowly sinking in on him.
“I would need to put together some paper work and will let you two work things out about your business affairs since Mahadev will probably need to go on leave for a long time” Inspector Patel walked out of the room leaving the two behind.
“Dev, as terrible as it may sound, I am not entirely surprised by what you did. I did know about you and Shyla for sometime now since I had access to email accounts of both of you and I also knew how desperate you both were, over the past few weeks” said Kalyan
Mahadev remained silent. His face still buried in his palms. He did not bother to look up.
“I am sorry for what happened. Let me know if you need any help from me.” Kalyan stood up and continued “I had asked him to go to Mysore a couple of times to meet a vendor there. Last week, since he was so disturbed, I suggested that he visit the temple. By the way, the inspector seems to have missed out another clause in our partnership agreement. Remember the one that says if anyone of us were to be indisposed for a period of more than a year, then he would be forced to sell his stake to the partners ?.”. He began walking towards the door.
As he neared the door, he turned around and spoke “Another thing Dev, it wasn’t Shyla who sent those mails. It was me. I knew you would take the bait sooner or later. The inspector was wrong, it was money that came first after all”
Mahadev raised his head and looked at Kalyan who seemed to have an enigmatic grin on his face as he turned around and walked out of the door. For a long time, Mahadev kept looking listlessly at the door.
Tuesday, April 22, 2008
The way of the wise
Intelligence is a God given gift that not everyone is endowed with. And since you folks actually read this blog, it naturally follows that you must be atheists.
This post is not about the merits (logical and irrefutable) or the demerits (you will burn in hell) of being an atheist because that’s a whole different topic. Instead, today I shall talk about what differentiates a less gifted person from the intelligent ones (also known as - everyone else but you) and more importantly how to cover it up.
Intelligence is not about how much you know but it is about how well you can pretend to know. The so called great minds of computer science like Dennis Ritchie, James Gosling, Richard Stallman and others have just about as much intelligence as you and me but they have made themselves look a lot smarter. Their secret is, yes, you guessed it right…facial hair. Apparently, one of the basic criteria of presenting yourself as a genius is by not shaving.
“This works out fine but what should women do?” I hear you say. Good point but same answer. Heh, heh, women readers, I am just kidding, alright. Women don’t need such gimmicks to project their brilliance.
(Phew!!….that was close)
The second factor is that you need to pretend to be really good at Mathematics. For example, here is a mathematical way of finding out the time when somebody asks you. This is a really obscure equation that will help you calculate the exact time of day. The equation is
Where ‘x’ is the latitude of the place you are in, ‘y’ is the longitude and 'theta' is the angle made by your shadow and the 90 degree vertical. You then deduce the time from this. I am sure mathematicians will crib that the equation is a meaningless pile of crap. But we don’t have to give a hoot. Mathematicians can go divide themselves by zero, for all we care.
Of course for the equation to work, you would need to quickly take a peek at your watch when the other person is not looking.
Finally, make sure that you can come up with complex scientific explanations to simple queries. The idea is to intimidate ordinary people into believing that you are supremely gifted and they have brains the size of walnuts.
Friend: “The weather looks cloudy today, isn't it unusual for this time of the year ?”
You: “Oh yes, the cumulus cloud formation is directly due to the influence of a low pressure closed chaotic system generated by the pacific warm currents. The el nino effect is also a factor, not to mention adiabatic effects of troposphere under varying temperatures”
Friend: “You have no freaking clue, do you ?”
You: “Get out”
By using these three devious ways of presentation, you can effectively convince anyone that you deserve the next Nobel prize.
So when do I get mine ?
This post is not about the merits (logical and irrefutable) or the demerits (you will burn in hell) of being an atheist because that’s a whole different topic. Instead, today I shall talk about what differentiates a less gifted person from the intelligent ones (also known as - everyone else but you) and more importantly how to cover it up.
Intelligence is not about how much you know but it is about how well you can pretend to know. The so called great minds of computer science like Dennis Ritchie, James Gosling, Richard Stallman and others have just about as much intelligence as you and me but they have made themselves look a lot smarter. Their secret is, yes, you guessed it right…facial hair. Apparently, one of the basic criteria of presenting yourself as a genius is by not shaving.
“This works out fine but what should women do?” I hear you say. Good point but same answer. Heh, heh, women readers, I am just kidding, alright. Women don’t need such gimmicks to project their brilliance.
(Phew!!….that was close)
The second factor is that you need to pretend to be really good at Mathematics. For example, here is a mathematical way of finding out the time when somebody asks you. This is a really obscure equation that will help you calculate the exact time of day. The equation is
Where ‘x’ is the latitude of the place you are in, ‘y’ is the longitude and 'theta' is the angle made by your shadow and the 90 degree vertical. You then deduce the time from this. I am sure mathematicians will crib that the equation is a meaningless pile of crap. But we don’t have to give a hoot. Mathematicians can go divide themselves by zero, for all we care.
Of course for the equation to work, you would need to quickly take a peek at your watch when the other person is not looking.
Finally, make sure that you can come up with complex scientific explanations to simple queries. The idea is to intimidate ordinary people into believing that you are supremely gifted and they have brains the size of walnuts.
Friend: “The weather looks cloudy today, isn't it unusual for this time of the year ?”
You: “Oh yes, the cumulus cloud formation is directly due to the influence of a low pressure closed chaotic system generated by the pacific warm currents. The el nino effect is also a factor, not to mention adiabatic effects of troposphere under varying temperatures”
Friend: “You have no freaking clue, do you ?”
You: “Get out”
By using these three devious ways of presentation, you can effectively convince anyone that you deserve the next Nobel prize.
So when do I get mine ?
Wednesday, April 16, 2008
An Ode to recession
“Oh master, I have traveled from afar,
All for a moment of audience with you
Life has been tough and I am losing hope
I seek your wisdom to help me through”
“What ails you, my son?” asked the master.
“Why do you despair so ?
I sense grief in your heart
And on your visage, it does show”
And thus lamented the devotee
“What used to cost one rupee now costs five
Inflation is at an all time high
Now I walk everywhere, I cannot afford to drive”
“The stock market swings like a mad monkey
Wiping out all profits and bringing only pain
And no matter when and what I invest in,
All my money goes down the drain”
“Buy your own house the banks said,
We shall give you all the money as a loan
The interest rates have hit the roof
And all I do now is groan”
“Oh wise one, help me find a way out
A way out of this intricate maze
What can I do to make my life better
To get over this horrible phase
Answered the master in a voice serene “Get rid of your credit cards,
Don’t fall for telemarketing calls
Don’t buy stuff you don’t need
And stop splurging in malls”
And at that moment, the devotee was enlightened
“I shall follow what you said, thus I hereby pledge”
He then asked the master
“Where from did you gain this knowledge ?”
Replied the master “I am no wise man, I am a victim of recession too
The long beard is because I don’t have money to shave
I could not meet my mortgage payments
And so I live in this cave”
All for a moment of audience with you
Life has been tough and I am losing hope
I seek your wisdom to help me through”
“What ails you, my son?” asked the master.
“Why do you despair so ?
I sense grief in your heart
And on your visage, it does show”
And thus lamented the devotee
“What used to cost one rupee now costs five
Inflation is at an all time high
Now I walk everywhere, I cannot afford to drive”
“The stock market swings like a mad monkey
Wiping out all profits and bringing only pain
And no matter when and what I invest in,
All my money goes down the drain”
“Buy your own house the banks said,
We shall give you all the money as a loan
The interest rates have hit the roof
And all I do now is groan”
“Oh wise one, help me find a way out
A way out of this intricate maze
What can I do to make my life better
To get over this horrible phase
Answered the master in a voice serene “Get rid of your credit cards,
Don’t fall for telemarketing calls
Don’t buy stuff you don’t need
And stop splurging in malls”
And at that moment, the devotee was enlightened
“I shall follow what you said, thus I hereby pledge”
He then asked the master
“Where from did you gain this knowledge ?”
Replied the master “I am no wise man, I am a victim of recession too
The long beard is because I don’t have money to shave
I could not meet my mortgage payments
And so I live in this cave”
Monday, March 31, 2008
Automobile Agony
Towards the end of last week, the unthinkable happened. Oh no, no, I am not talking about Rahul Dravid finally getting a hundred before the spectators died of old age. The issue was a lot less exciting than that. I was about to leave for work when my car refused to start. Nothing worked inspite of me trying over and over again. Well, being an experienced IT professional, I applied the standard troubleshooting techniques. I took a break and had a cup of coffee.
Surprisingly, that did nothing. Apparently, automobiles don’t work the same way as softwares do.
So, I let my natural instinct that has evolved over millions of years to take over. You see, we men are born with an innate ability of understanding complex mechanics of machinery. I opened the hood of the car and peered inside and it immediately struck me what the problem was !!
That I was a pristine idiot when it came to automobiles. It was clear that my instincts had not evolved enough. I was looking at this lump of metal pipes with the same expression on my face that I had when I saw my 10th grade maths question paper or for that matter, my 9th or 8th or 7th…well, you get the idea.
But thankfully, my lack of automobile knowledge (and maths) has been duly compensated by my skill to give up easily. This way, I don’t waste too much time in trying to do things I don’t have a clue about (here again is proof that my male instincts need more work). I closed the hood and called the service guy.
The mechanic said he could only make it on the weekend. So I had to manage the next two days without my car.
So I was forced to borrow my uncle’s car. This was kind of scary because his was a brand new car with no scratches yet and I did not want to be the one to scar it. I was extra careful when driving it and made sure that I never went beyond 50 km/h, giving a chance to all the drivers to yell at me and make rude gestures when they passed me by (I wish when they close their car door, they slam it on their fingers).
But the worst part of the whole thing was that there was no radio in the car which meant that, yep that’s right, * I * had to sing the whole time !!. And unlike a radio, I could not even switch stations to shut me up and ended up enduring my singing all through.
Two days passed by, it was Saturday and the mechanic came over. The problem was with the car battery which had conked out and had to be replaced.
So finally, I have my car back, it feels great to have the freedom to drive the way I want, to have the liberty to scratch or dent or bang up my car. I can speed up whenever I want to
But most importantly, I can now turn on the radio…
Surprisingly, that did nothing. Apparently, automobiles don’t work the same way as softwares do.
So, I let my natural instinct that has evolved over millions of years to take over. You see, we men are born with an innate ability of understanding complex mechanics of machinery. I opened the hood of the car and peered inside and it immediately struck me what the problem was !!
That I was a pristine idiot when it came to automobiles. It was clear that my instincts had not evolved enough. I was looking at this lump of metal pipes with the same expression on my face that I had when I saw my 10th grade maths question paper or for that matter, my 9th or 8th or 7th…well, you get the idea.
But thankfully, my lack of automobile knowledge (and maths) has been duly compensated by my skill to give up easily. This way, I don’t waste too much time in trying to do things I don’t have a clue about (here again is proof that my male instincts need more work). I closed the hood and called the service guy.
The mechanic said he could only make it on the weekend. So I had to manage the next two days without my car.
So I was forced to borrow my uncle’s car. This was kind of scary because his was a brand new car with no scratches yet and I did not want to be the one to scar it. I was extra careful when driving it and made sure that I never went beyond 50 km/h, giving a chance to all the drivers to yell at me and make rude gestures when they passed me by (I wish when they close their car door, they slam it on their fingers).
But the worst part of the whole thing was that there was no radio in the car which meant that, yep that’s right, * I * had to sing the whole time !!. And unlike a radio, I could not even switch stations to shut me up and ended up enduring my singing all through.
Two days passed by, it was Saturday and the mechanic came over. The problem was with the car battery which had conked out and had to be replaced.
So finally, I have my car back, it feels great to have the freedom to drive the way I want, to have the liberty to scratch or dent or bang up my car. I can speed up whenever I want to
But most importantly, I can now turn on the radio…
Monday, March 24, 2008
Don't curse your job, it could be worse
Ever woke up in the morning thinking “Damn, not another day doing the same old job"? Every one of us has felt at some point that what we do was the worst job in the world. That is a gross exaggeration unless...unless you are a specialist in curing piles and fistula. I saw this hoarding advertising a doctor who had expertise in this specific area of ailments, actually I have seen such hoardings many a time but this time it got me thinking since I was in an especially bad mood cursing my job.
How bad could my job be compared to his ?. Well, think about it...this guy starts off his morning looking at the business end of the human anatomy and that too, one which is not even keeping good health (Note that I have tastefully refrained from using the idiom ‘pink of health’). How much worse can it get from there !!! . His best day is when a patient just sits there and he can get to have a good look at the patient's face. An experienced doctor in this field would have learnt to recognize people not by their faces…if you catch my drift…
"Hi Doctor, It's good to see you after a long time, I was treated by you once"
"Oh, really ?...hmm...could you turn around please ?......Ah, Hello Mr. Das !!"
And there is not much these people can talk about when they get back home from work. When the wife asks "Hi honey, how was your day", what's he gonna say...??. Dinner time is especially a bad time for questions like these. I suspect a lot of these doctors are never overweight.
And don’t even get me started on pathology.
So the next time you start cursing about how bad your job is, you would do well to remember that you are probably much better off than a lot of others. But if you are a doctor feeling offended at this post, I should hasten to add that at least you are not a politician who, by the way, is always in the pink of his health…
If that does not satisfy you, I offer my apologies standing up...ok, now it’s time to sit down...ouch !!
How bad could my job be compared to his ?. Well, think about it...this guy starts off his morning looking at the business end of the human anatomy and that too, one which is not even keeping good health (Note that I have tastefully refrained from using the idiom ‘pink of health’). How much worse can it get from there !!! . His best day is when a patient just sits there and he can get to have a good look at the patient's face. An experienced doctor in this field would have learnt to recognize people not by their faces…if you catch my drift…
"Hi Doctor, It's good to see you after a long time, I was treated by you once"
"Oh, really ?...hmm...could you turn around please ?......Ah, Hello Mr. Das !!"
And there is not much these people can talk about when they get back home from work. When the wife asks "Hi honey, how was your day", what's he gonna say...??. Dinner time is especially a bad time for questions like these. I suspect a lot of these doctors are never overweight.
And don’t even get me started on pathology.
So the next time you start cursing about how bad your job is, you would do well to remember that you are probably much better off than a lot of others. But if you are a doctor feeling offended at this post, I should hasten to add that at least you are not a politician who, by the way, is always in the pink of his health…
If that does not satisfy you, I offer my apologies standing up...ok, now it’s time to sit down...ouch !!
Monday, March 3, 2008
Parody is always fun
Sherlock Holmes looked at Watson; he had that glow on his face that suggested that he had figured out the answer to Watson’s challenge. Watson had got married for the second time and he had placed a bunch of photographs in front of Holmes defying Holmes to identify the person he had married.
Holmes ruffled through the photos and finally picked one and handed it over to Watson.
“There you go, she is the one” he said
“My God, Holmes, that’s amazing !!…how did you even figure it out” Watson exclaimed.
“Elementary my dear Watson, when you have eliminated all possibilities then whatever remains, however ugly…..must be your wife”
Watson whacked Holmes with the nearest table stand.
“For a guy who is no Tom Cruise, you have the nerve to say what you did” Watson said angrily
“Who the hell is Tom Cruise ??. This is 1902. He won’t even be born for another sixty years. What are you talking about”
“Oops, my bad. But still, you have no business making derogatory comments about my wife when you yourself look like a cross between a lamp post and a fish hook”
Their fight was interrupted by Mrs. Hudson “Sir, there is a young lady who wishes to consult you immediately. She says it is a matter of grave concern”
“Please show her into the living room Mrs. Hudson but before you go, could you get Watson off my neck ?”
Watson relented and loosened his grip on Holmes.
“Well, I am sorry if I offended you John, but pray stay with me. I may require your assistance on this case. Let’s go see what the lady has to say”
Both of them walked into the living room to find an elegantly dressed young woman in the way that young women would dress in 1902, whatever that means. She seemed to be in her mid twenties and had a frightened look on her face. She rose to her feet on seeing the two men enter the room.
“Hello Mr. Holmes, my name is Victoria Brown. And since this blog writer has no clue about London or England, I can’t tell you where I live”
“Fair enough. I see you are in discomfort as you walk towards us. My powers of deduction tell me that you had a nasty sprain in your ankle possibly when playing a sport and I would guess tennis “ Holmes said confidently. He noticed the admiring look on Watson’s face, a look that he always enjoyed seeing.
“Well not really, I stepped on dog poop on the pavement on my way in.”
“Aha !!, precisely…the foul smell tells me it must be the damn poodle next door. ” said Holmes trying to save face.
“I believe that’s just you Holmes” Watson leaned forward and whispered softly “You really should change your socks more often you know”
“And maybe you should get a stronger mouthwash” Holmes snapped back.
He then turned to the young woman
“So what is that you wish to see me about Ms. Brown ?”
“Well, Mr. Holmes, I have this strange problem. I moved into my new house last week. And every few hours I hear this extremely shrill noise. I have tried to figure out what it is but haven’t been able to do so. I have never had a good night’s sleep since I moved in. I need your help Mr. Holmes”
“Most interesting. I would be glad to help” said Holmes as he began to contemplate on the mystery. After a few moments, he replied “I could donate a wad of cotton to stuff into your ears, Ms. Brown”
“I think she means that she would like you to investigate the source of the sound, Holmes” Watson said
“But of course. Tell me Ms. Brown, does this noise occur at the around the same hours everyday”
“Yes”
“And can you please describe the neighborhood”
“It is quite a busy neighborhood Mr. Holmes. There is a market right across the street, a library at one end and a church at the other and there is also a railway station a few blocks away”
“That’s it !!, mystery solved. What you have been hearing are train whistles Ms. Brown. It looks like you are amazingly dumb. And that will be 50 pounds, thank you”
After the woman had left, Watson turned to Holmes and said “This is the crappiest case that I have ever been a part of”
“Maybe but it takes care of this month’s rent. Well, anyway come on Watson, let’s go to the pub down the street. I will buy you beer”
“Thanks Holmes”
“Get the photograph of your wife as well. I will take another look after I am drunk. Hopefully, she will look better then” said Holmes.
Watson reached out to grab the golf stick lying in the corner. But Holmes was already out of the door….
[Post Script: Due apologies to Arthur Conan Doyle and to all Sherlock Holmes fans, I am one too. Hey, it’s Monday, cut me some slack here…..]
Holmes ruffled through the photos and finally picked one and handed it over to Watson.
“There you go, she is the one” he said
“My God, Holmes, that’s amazing !!…how did you even figure it out” Watson exclaimed.
“Elementary my dear Watson, when you have eliminated all possibilities then whatever remains, however ugly…..must be your wife”
Watson whacked Holmes with the nearest table stand.
“For a guy who is no Tom Cruise, you have the nerve to say what you did” Watson said angrily
“Who the hell is Tom Cruise ??. This is 1902. He won’t even be born for another sixty years. What are you talking about”
“Oops, my bad. But still, you have no business making derogatory comments about my wife when you yourself look like a cross between a lamp post and a fish hook”
Their fight was interrupted by Mrs. Hudson “Sir, there is a young lady who wishes to consult you immediately. She says it is a matter of grave concern”
“Please show her into the living room Mrs. Hudson but before you go, could you get Watson off my neck ?”
Watson relented and loosened his grip on Holmes.
“Well, I am sorry if I offended you John, but pray stay with me. I may require your assistance on this case. Let’s go see what the lady has to say”
Both of them walked into the living room to find an elegantly dressed young woman in the way that young women would dress in 1902, whatever that means. She seemed to be in her mid twenties and had a frightened look on her face. She rose to her feet on seeing the two men enter the room.
“Hello Mr. Holmes, my name is Victoria Brown. And since this blog writer has no clue about London or England, I can’t tell you where I live”
“Fair enough. I see you are in discomfort as you walk towards us. My powers of deduction tell me that you had a nasty sprain in your ankle possibly when playing a sport and I would guess tennis “ Holmes said confidently. He noticed the admiring look on Watson’s face, a look that he always enjoyed seeing.
“Well not really, I stepped on dog poop on the pavement on my way in.”
“Aha !!, precisely…the foul smell tells me it must be the damn poodle next door. ” said Holmes trying to save face.
“I believe that’s just you Holmes” Watson leaned forward and whispered softly “You really should change your socks more often you know”
“And maybe you should get a stronger mouthwash” Holmes snapped back.
He then turned to the young woman
“So what is that you wish to see me about Ms. Brown ?”
“Well, Mr. Holmes, I have this strange problem. I moved into my new house last week. And every few hours I hear this extremely shrill noise. I have tried to figure out what it is but haven’t been able to do so. I have never had a good night’s sleep since I moved in. I need your help Mr. Holmes”
“Most interesting. I would be glad to help” said Holmes as he began to contemplate on the mystery. After a few moments, he replied “I could donate a wad of cotton to stuff into your ears, Ms. Brown”
“I think she means that she would like you to investigate the source of the sound, Holmes” Watson said
“But of course. Tell me Ms. Brown, does this noise occur at the around the same hours everyday”
“Yes”
“And can you please describe the neighborhood”
“It is quite a busy neighborhood Mr. Holmes. There is a market right across the street, a library at one end and a church at the other and there is also a railway station a few blocks away”
“That’s it !!, mystery solved. What you have been hearing are train whistles Ms. Brown. It looks like you are amazingly dumb. And that will be 50 pounds, thank you”
After the woman had left, Watson turned to Holmes and said “This is the crappiest case that I have ever been a part of”
“Maybe but it takes care of this month’s rent. Well, anyway come on Watson, let’s go to the pub down the street. I will buy you beer”
“Thanks Holmes”
“Get the photograph of your wife as well. I will take another look after I am drunk. Hopefully, she will look better then” said Holmes.
Watson reached out to grab the golf stick lying in the corner. But Holmes was already out of the door….
[Post Script: Due apologies to Arthur Conan Doyle and to all Sherlock Holmes fans, I am one too. Hey, it’s Monday, cut me some slack here…..]
Thursday, February 21, 2008
Managing Stress
Stress is a four letter word that makes your brain go all wonky like, for example, it hampers your ability to count the number of letters in a word. And in this modern world of constant pressure, stress can be a serious problem.
Being a well informed and extremely well read professional, I shall, in this post, counsel you on how to handle stress. By the way, did I mention that stress can also make one delusional ?
The simplest and the most effective stress buster is to pick up a hockey stick and go pummel the people who get on your nerves like the income tax guys, stock analysts and Navjot Singh Siddhu. But unfortunately, the law does not permit us this pleasure, although I suspect that it would make an exception on Siddhu.
So let’s turn to more traditional methods of stress management. There are a few simple rules to manage stress which I shall elaborate below
Rule 1: Share it
Stress, unlike money, is a lot more fun when you spread it around. Always look out for people who you can share your stress with. This will not bring down your stress levels but it ensures that others feel just as miserable as you do.
“Hey, the boss is mad at you for not finishing your module yesterday”
“What the !!, didn’t we have an agreement that you would complete my module since I covered for your absence in the afternoon the day before”
“ Oh yeah !!, now I remember…. Ooops”
Rule 2: Pick up a habit
It is a well proven fact that alcohol and cigarettes go a long way in reducing stress. Of course, people will tell you that drinking and smoking is also going to reduce the number of years of your life. Seriously, is this really an issue ?, think about it, the years that you are going to loose are the years from your old age. When you are 85 wearing an adult diaper and with no bladder control, do you think “Thank God, I did not smoke or drink otherwise I may have croaked at 60 and not have lived to see this wonderful day where I can wet myself and not remember it”.
Have I convinced you that beating stress now is better than living longer ?. So go ahead and pick up a few bad habits now and get rid of old age before it is too late.
Rule 3: Have a diversion
Rule number 2 is mostly useful at the end of the day. At other times, it may not always be appreciated. For example, when stressed out in the middle of the day during work, going out for a vodka shot is probably not a good idea. So have a quick-fix diversion activity something like, I don’t know…say…blogging. Be sure to vent out all your personal and professional frustrations in the blog and also be sure to use a pseudonym, just in case you vent out your frustrations against your friends (“Rascals, never bother to call me up”) or your colleagues (“I do all their work”) or your spouse (“Biggest mistake of my life”). Feels good, doesn’t it ??
So there, if you follow the rules above, I guarantee you that all your stress will be gone and you can go back to being the casual, carefree person you used to be.
Because now you will have no friends, no job and your spouse would have thrown you out.
Being a well informed and extremely well read professional, I shall, in this post, counsel you on how to handle stress. By the way, did I mention that stress can also make one delusional ?
The simplest and the most effective stress buster is to pick up a hockey stick and go pummel the people who get on your nerves like the income tax guys, stock analysts and Navjot Singh Siddhu. But unfortunately, the law does not permit us this pleasure, although I suspect that it would make an exception on Siddhu.
So let’s turn to more traditional methods of stress management. There are a few simple rules to manage stress which I shall elaborate below
Rule 1: Share it
Stress, unlike money, is a lot more fun when you spread it around. Always look out for people who you can share your stress with. This will not bring down your stress levels but it ensures that others feel just as miserable as you do.
“Hey, the boss is mad at you for not finishing your module yesterday”
“What the !!, didn’t we have an agreement that you would complete my module since I covered for your absence in the afternoon the day before”
“ Oh yeah !!, now I remember…. Ooops”
Rule 2: Pick up a habit
It is a well proven fact that alcohol and cigarettes go a long way in reducing stress. Of course, people will tell you that drinking and smoking is also going to reduce the number of years of your life. Seriously, is this really an issue ?, think about it, the years that you are going to loose are the years from your old age. When you are 85 wearing an adult diaper and with no bladder control, do you think “Thank God, I did not smoke or drink otherwise I may have croaked at 60 and not have lived to see this wonderful day where I can wet myself and not remember it”.
Have I convinced you that beating stress now is better than living longer ?. So go ahead and pick up a few bad habits now and get rid of old age before it is too late.
Rule 3: Have a diversion
Rule number 2 is mostly useful at the end of the day. At other times, it may not always be appreciated. For example, when stressed out in the middle of the day during work, going out for a vodka shot is probably not a good idea. So have a quick-fix diversion activity something like, I don’t know…say…blogging. Be sure to vent out all your personal and professional frustrations in the blog and also be sure to use a pseudonym, just in case you vent out your frustrations against your friends (“Rascals, never bother to call me up”) or your colleagues (“I do all their work”) or your spouse (“Biggest mistake of my life”). Feels good, doesn’t it ??
So there, if you follow the rules above, I guarantee you that all your stress will be gone and you can go back to being the casual, carefree person you used to be.
Because now you will have no friends, no job and your spouse would have thrown you out.
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