Wednesday, September 12, 2007

How to be environmentally friendly

At last, Russia now has a bomb that Greenpeace would be proud of.

Russia builds 'most powerful bomb'

The article mentions that the Russian deputy chief of military staff said that unlike a nuclear weapon, the bomb doesn't hurt the environment.

Oh, bless the Lord, that's such a relief. Because when I am lying on the ground with my limbs missing and a few hundred thousand corpses strewn around, I would finally feel happy that all of us died in the most environmentally friendly fashion.

I am not a die hard pacifist and I understand the need for defence but this is probably the most absurd of all statements. Yo, my Russian friend, be proud of the bomb and your accomplishment if you want to be but just SHUT UP about trying to put a spin on it.

As a vegetarian, I must ask if the bomb contains any animal products at all ?. If yes, could you make one that is more vegetarian friendly...!!

Monday, September 10, 2007

Lessons in Friendship

Of all relationships, friendship is the most valuable one especially if you have friends who can lend you money and think that you will one day pay them back.
Mr. RelationshipMan shall today advise you on tips to keep the bond of friendship alive.

Lesson 1 :

As you grow older, the time that you spend on the phone with your friends drastically reduces. And it becomes that much more difficult to find reasons to call up your friends. But it is necessary that when you do call, you have a reason and not an excuse. An excuse cannot ensure a meaningful conversation. Here is an illustration for your convenience

Excuse: "Hi, I just called to check if I forgot my keys at your place"

Reason: "Hi, I heard that you broke your leg. Are you able to walk around ?, if so could you check if I have forgotten my keys at your place"

See the difference ?. It is very important that you wait till your friend breaks a leg.

Lesson 2 :

Always complement friends when they deserve one. Say things to boost their self confidence but at the same time give them an honest opinion to prove that you have their best interests on your mind "Wow, you look very attractive today, you would look even better if you get yourself a nose job".
On second thought, don't mix the compliment and the honest opinion in the same sentence.

Lesson 3 :

Another way to keep a friend circle alive is to always bitch about common friends when they are not around..."he is such a smart ass, always advising us on morality...let's steal some money from his purse the next time he goes to the bathroom".
This is how you develop stronger bonding. This is how you buy the next can of beer.

Lesson 4 :

Do not forget to wish your friends on their special days like their birthday. Remind them that they are that much closer to a hip replacement surgery. Try and buy a nice present if possible.
“Happy birthday buddy, here……I bought you a can of beer.”

Lesson 5 :

The longer your friendship, the more casual your friends become. This means that they are going to say things about you that may not necessarily be encouraging even though you know in the bottom of your heart that they are a bunch of lying dingbats. For instance, I know that I sing well but my friends tell me that I sound like a drain being flushed. In such circumstances, you should always act as though you are totally cool with criticism.

But remember to secretly plot on how to break their leg. It may not help your friendship but at least you will now have a reason to call them up.

Friday, August 24, 2007

Morning Travails

There is a profound ancient Chinese proverb that goes "Never overestimate the amount of toothpaste left in the tube". Oh alright, it is not ancient nor is it Chinese, I just made it up. We all know that ancient Chinese never brushed their teeth, that's why they invented toothpicks.

But you have to admit that it is profound. Anybody who has made the mistake of not buying a new tube until it is too late realizes the grave implication of running out of paste.

I ended up in that situation. Every morning, there was this harmless, innocent looking tube slowly being drained off its contents. And with each passing day, the tube became more and more disfigured and it literally seemed to beg to be delivered from its misery. But I continued to ignore all the warning signs. I would battle heroically to cajole the last remnants of paste out of its badly beaten body until it relented and gave in. So each day, the tube would end up in a different shape than the previous day, sometimes like a pear, sometimes like 3.2 and sometimes like Tushar Kapoor with a bad hip problem.

But today, I just could not succeed in spite of trying a two pronged approach which involved stomping and yelling in turns. However nothing worked and I was forced to do what any self respecting man would have done, use an alternative instead....soap !!. Hey, it works for the body, why not for the mouth. But it turns out that self respecting men are morons. Soap is a bad idea especially if you use the same one that you wash your clothes with...and you can't enjoy eating it either. Apparently, they never thought of making it taste good, just in case somebody wants to use it to…you know…not wash clothes.

Anyway, after a long battle with foam, I finally finished brushing. For what it's worth, I have learnt my lesson now....I have decided that such a thing will never come to pass again. Next time, I am trying shampoo instead...

And if you are complaining that toothpicks are not exactly a Chinese invention, all I say to you is "May you run out of paste"

Thursday, August 2, 2007

Media Mania

Am I the only one or is television really getting on everyone's nerves. May be we should conduct a poll on that one or better still get a panel of experts (aka anyone with an opinion) to discuss this for two hours. Not to mention, the constant stream of captioning that scrolls across the screen keeping me abreast of all information that I don't care jack about.

Breaking news....

We interrupt this post to inform you that Aishwarya Rai may have sprained her left ankle or her brain, we need to figure out which is which.

Now back to your regularly scheduled blog post.


Like I was saying, this mad race for TRP has resulted in every channel throwing up all kinds of tabloid programming. And the one true channel that was known for its daring exposés has been banned for three months, oh how I miss FTV.

In fact, sometimes I almost crave for the pre cable days when we had just our dear old doordarshan and its lone channel keeping us ecstatic with never ending entertainment - 3 hours of programming every evening. I especially remember the news readers who had the uncanny knack of taking the most exciting news and reading it out like their grandmother just died.

“India won the world cup today but don’t you dare celebrate since the expression on my face clearly suggests that I have been constipated for a few weeks now”

So during news hour, I would change the channel and watch static instead…

Oh well, those were the days. Even now, I change channels but now I have to do it a 100 times over, cycling through mounds of programming crap before arriving at where I started. Only this time, the magic of remote control allows me to do that from my couch (I am willing to bet that the remote was invented by a man, of course man invented the war as well...we men aren’t particularly bright that way).

Anyway, frequently I hit a channel showing an infomercial where someone is trying to sell me a machine that will give me great abs or if I am a woman, will give me fantastic hips (I wonder how it knows and what if it makes a mistake). And then there is Ekta Kapoor and her soaps, somewhere there is a circus out there that is looking out for its missing clown.

So finally, I turn to the discovery channel for salvation only to see an episode on frogs making out. Hell, can’t a person get some decent entertainment on TV anymore that does not involve magic pills, lousy soaps, repetitive news or humping amphibians…

I have decided to go back to reading, it is less noisy and I get to learn a lot.....where is the TV guide??


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Monday, July 23, 2007

Madam President

Ok, now we have our first woman president. This is a powerful statement on women empowerment, let's all applaud this defining moment of our post-independence history and please stop nitpicking about how this means squat for the common woman on the street.

But then I digress, coming back to the presidency, the elections for the president is more of a display of political maneuvering by the ruling party than any honest attempt at finding the best person for the job. So invariably, the person most amenable to the ruling party gets elected as in the case of our new president.

When it comes to power, the post of the president of India has limited upside but a pretty ugly downside which can lead to unmitigated disaster. This was amply demonstrated by Fakruddin Ahmed directly responsible for the shame that was the emergency.

So I care a lot less whether the new president has the abilities to bring value to her presidency than I do about her not making a mockery of the president's role.

So Ms.Patil, I congratulate you on your achievement and while it may be difficult for you to get into the list of great presidents, all of us will hope that you will exercise enough intellect to stay away from the list that has Giani Zail Singh and Fakruddin Ali Ahmed.

In the order of priority, the constitution of India stands way above any party affiliations. Hope you shall keep that in mind the next five years....

Enjoy your stay at the Rashtrapati Bhavan...

Monday, July 16, 2007

A lesson in humility

I approach another intersection and the signal turns red. The vehicles behind me continue to honk urging me to jump the signal. After a while, they give up. I look around and see an autorickshaw to my right, the driver is revving up the engine in anticipation of the green. Behind me is a bus that is packed with people who are jostling for space. A couple of two wheelers squeeze in between me and the auto. The Indian streets are always busy. Everyone seems to be in a hurry to go somewhere.

For me, driving through this mess called the traffic causes enough frustration and anguish but surprisingly in a strange way, it allows me to relax and at times even put things in perspective. Among other things, the Indian streets teach a lesson in humility.

Unlike many other countries where strict rules ensure that everybody complies with the discipline needed to maintain smooth traffic flow, Indian traffic is mostly a self adjusting organism that offers unparalleled flexibility at the cost of unbridled chaos and inefficiency (We don’t have traffic rules only suggestions).

In this motley mix of vehicles and drivers, it does not matter who the individual is because once a driver hits the streets, he becomes a part of the traffic organism merging into the whims and fancies of the entity. So irrespective of his social standing or his intellectual accomplishments, he is ‘normalized’ into the system.

A professor holding a PhD or a businessman driving a Mercedes or a movie star will still have to sway to the diktats of say an auto driver cutting across the streets or a dilapidated truck in the middle of the road that just does not seem to move uphill holding up everyone behind it.

How so important a person might be, the traffic organism ensures that he is brought down to the minimum workable levels on the streets. The traffic IQ is determined by the operational IQ of the least aware individuals comprising it and thus ensuring that the rest are browbeaten to those levels of operation.

Ironically this is a lesson in humility. In a strange way, the Indian traffic lets you know that on the streets you are but an ordinary person shorn of all individuality.

The signal turns green and honking begins from behind. I shift into gear and move ahead as I maneuver through the chaos ahead…

Monday, July 2, 2007

Presidency

"I talk to dead people". No, this is not a line from a Shyamalan movie. But this is what possibly our future president is believed to have told (atleast the gist of it) in a public forum. I don't know much about Pratibha Patil but what I do know is that she will have to get a lot smarter at what comes out of her mouth if she has to pull off the presidency of India. She is being touted as the first woman president if and when she gets into Rashtrapathi Bhavan, though this is purely an outcome of political compromises between the coalition parties rather than a concerted effort towards finding a woman for the president's job.

Not withstanding the spate of allegations and the skeletons in the cupboard that have started spilling out, if she does get elected, the onus will be on her to decide what kind of president she wants to be. Does she want us to be proud of our first woman president or cringe in embarrassment ?. Ms.Patil, we hope you realize that whatever your personal beliefs might be on realm of the supernatural, it would still not behoove a president who represents the Union of India to be taking such flights of fancy in public.

Remember, your predecessor was a scientist of excellent repute. A man well liked by middle class India which saw in Dr.Kalam a brilliant,hardworking and committed fellow middle class Indian who achieved the highest office of the land.

Do you really want history to record that India's presidency moved from a rocket scientist to someone who thinks dead people speak to her ?. Please cleanup your act Ms.Patil and in the meantime get yourself some good speech writers...Good luck

Monday, June 11, 2007

Crazy Thoughts

It so happens that sometimes I begin thinking (I admit it does have a strain on me) and this time I came up with some completely zany ideas to help improve the state of affairs in this country. And as usual, they make a lot more sense if you read this after a glass of wine (how much sense? depends on how large the glass is). Here goes

1. Remove all traffic rules but give everyone a gun. This way all the aggressive drivers will eliminate each other over time and we will end up with docile, law abiding citizens. We can then bring back the traffic rules.

2. All water sharing disputes shall be handled by water rationing. Every individual will get water in proportion to his IQ. So in about two weeks, we would have got rid of all politicians after which the dispute will get automatically resolved.

3. Corruption should be permitted but the catch is that the person who has accumulated the maximum bribe for that month shall be hanged from the nearest lamppost. So if you are corrupt, you only have to make sure that you take one rupee less than your colleagues.

4. All communities that ask for, shall be granted reservations on a first come first serve basis. But reservation status over the years shall be determined by the total tax paid by all the members of the community. If the tax numbers are below expectations, it means that reservations have not worked for them and the community shall be removed from the list and the status will pass on to the next in line.

5. The planet ‘Uranus’ shall be renamed to ‘Ureyes’ this will help in replacing disturbing images that flash by your mind by more pleasant ones whenever you are talking about this planet. Ok, this has nothing to do with our country but will help the whole of mankind in general.

Do you have any crazy thoughts yourself? If so, share them here and let’s see if you are as cuckoo as I am or if your wine glass is as large as mine…

Monday, June 4, 2007

Update Post - Infrastructure Woes

There is a thin line between humour and prediction. A couple of months ago, I had uploaded a post titled 'Infratructure Woes'. Looks like someone else at CNN-IBN thought on similar lines.

Check this out http://in.news.yahoo.com/070603/211/6gld6.html

For the record, it was me who first thought of this brain dead idea...where is my royalty cheque Mr.Sardesai !!

Friday, June 1, 2007

Maya

Everyone has a story, stories that intersect those of someone else at different points of time. How many of our stories have triggered completely new ones for so many others?. The stories happen all the time and will continue to do so long after we are gone.

We have always strived to understand this, not the stories themselves but why they have so many ramifications on so many people. The explanations are beyond science and into the realms of philosophy.

In India, one of the oft quoted philosophies is Maya. The world is thought to be an illusion. I am uncomfortable with this thinking. There are so many things happening all the time and yet people philosophize that it’s all an illusion. So is the Hiroshima bombing or the holocaust or the carnage that followed the partition an illusion ?. Yes say the proponents, it is but God’s will. Once you bring God into the picture any objective discussion of Maya ends since you can pretty much attribute any nonsense to God and end all questioning.

The concept of Maya is very interesting and I have come to appreciate it by looking at it differently.

Everything seems real, is real and is life for each one of us. It is the truth called ‘Maya’. Maya is the emergent behavior of the world where each of the components is too trivial to make a difference by itself but when they come together create a complex, ever changing, ever dynamic system that beats all efforts to understand it. This is when the behavior of the system far extends beyond just the sum of behaviors of the participants and no individual can have any control over it. This system of constant churning of life is what we know as Samsara.

Believing that Maya is about illusion and nothing is real is a mistake and is actually an over simplification of Maya. Yes, it is about illusion, an illusion that one person is bigger than the system, an illusion that one individual has control over Samsara. But it is also about reality. For me, Maya denies nothing, the pains are real, the pleasures are real, the senses are real and the events are real. The Samsara is real and so is our bondage to it.

Each of us affects the Samsara by our actions and thereby influencing the outcome of events in subtle ways. We can only control our behavior but not that of the Samsara. The melting pot of chaos and order brought about by actions of each one of us, our karma, is what defines Maya – the effects of karma on Samsara.

It is impossible for anyone to conquer Maya. People have tried and have failed. From God incarnates to spiritual leaders, from political giants to tyrant dictators have all tried to promulgate a homogeneous way of thought and action and have failed. The attempts will endure and the failures will continue.

Maya is the illusion of reality