Cinema , the great entertainer

A few weeks ago, I was unfortunate enough to watch another
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.

The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.

The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.

Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)

To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.

Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.

The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)

Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.

At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.

This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).

Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.

We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.

Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.

"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).

But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.

So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.

Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...