The dreaded 'F' word

I have had enough. A couple of weeks ago, a grandmother across the street beat me in walking up to the end of road. That did not bother me much, clearly grandma was on steroids. Following week, a school kid did that too, so ok it hurt a little. But then, a stray puppy out ran me on the streets and that, my dear readers, is simply unacceptable. My first impulse was to take my car out and drive real fast to show the puppy that I was still the boss. Later, after years of denial, it dawned on me that I had the fitness levels of a twig. So I went back to denial mode, it’s a lot more comfortable there. I recommend everybody to try it, it works !!.

But it did not last for long. The puppy kept acting all smug about its superior fitness and would not even wag its tail anymore when it saw me. So I resolved to do something about it, I mean my fitness not the wagging. We have a gym in the office, I decided to give it a shot.

I have always been scared of gyms. It’s because they have pictures of huge people like Arnold (spell his last name yourself), Sylvester Stallone and a whole bunch of other guys who are in their underwear striking weird poses apparently testing how much stress their underwear can take. I always feel they are all looking directly at me as if to say that me even being there is an insult to them. Thankfully, there are no such pictures in my office gym. So I took my chance.

The most important thing about going to the gym is to buy the right track suit. Hey, they have big mirrors in the gym and it is only fair that you look your best, so that you can catch your reflection while you try and pretend to work out.

The instructor told me to start slow as though I had a choice, I liked him right away.

So the first day, I got on the treadmill and ran, ok jogged…oh alright…walked for like 30 minutes. A treadmill is a great reflection on corporate life, the whole idea being that you need to keep running harder and harder to stay where you are. That’s my wisdom for the day to you, free of charge.

Here is another bit of wisdom, apparently the human body has these things called muscles. Muscles are walnut shaped (and sized in some) and help in thinking....no wait, that’s brains. Ok, whatever muscles are gym is supposed to help them stay active, looks like mine were mostly asleep. And boy, do they get nasty when woken up !!. I had a school teacher like that once who would sometimes sleep during the class and anybody who dared to wake her up would get walloped, she taught moral science.

Gym has a strange effect on the unprepared anatomy. After a bunch of workout sessions, you feel a distinct out of body experience. Each of my body part seemed to have declared independence from the rest. My brain kept telling my legs to move and instead my mouth would ask my brain to go to hell. My body was like the Indian parliament, total chaos and no work done. So the next few days, if you heard “Ow....ow....ow” in the corridor, that was me walking and sometimes you would hear “                ” of course, that was me not walking.

I admit it is getting better now after a week of narcissistic workouts. I am more confident about my fitness. The darned little puppy better watch out, I am gonna leave it far behind.

But I am not so sure of grandma though…