"I talk to dead people". No, this is not a line from a Shyamalan movie. But this is what possibly our future president is believed to have told (atleast the gist of it) in a public forum. I don't know much about Pratibha Patil but what I do know is that she will have to get a lot smarter at what comes out of her mouth if she has to pull off the presidency of India. She is being touted as the first woman president if and when she gets into Rashtrapathi Bhavan, though this is purely an outcome of political compromises between the coalition parties rather than a concerted effort towards finding a woman for the president's job.
Not withstanding the spate of allegations and the skeletons in the cupboard that have started spilling out, if she does get elected, the onus will be on her to decide what kind of president she wants to be. Does she want us to be proud of our first woman president or cringe in embarrassment ?. Ms.Patil, we hope you realize that whatever your personal beliefs might be on realm of the supernatural, it would still not behoove a president who represents the Union of India to be taking such flights of fancy in public.
Remember, your predecessor was a scientist of excellent repute. A man well liked by middle class India which saw in Dr.Kalam a brilliant,hardworking and committed fellow middle class Indian who achieved the highest office of the land.
Do you really want history to record that India's presidency moved from a rocket scientist to someone who thinks dead people speak to her ?. Please cleanup your act Ms.Patil and in the meantime get yourself some good speech writers...Good luck
Monday, July 2, 2007
Monday, June 11, 2007
Crazy Thoughts
It so happens that sometimes I begin thinking (I admit it does have a strain on me) and this time I came up with some completely zany ideas to help improve the state of affairs in this country. And as usual, they make a lot more sense if you read this after a glass of wine (how much sense? depends on how large the glass is). Here goes
1. Remove all traffic rules but give everyone a gun. This way all the aggressive drivers will eliminate each other over time and we will end up with docile, law abiding citizens. We can then bring back the traffic rules.
2. All water sharing disputes shall be handled by water rationing. Every individual will get water in proportion to his IQ. So in about two weeks, we would have got rid of all politicians after which the dispute will get automatically resolved.
3. Corruption should be permitted but the catch is that the person who has accumulated the maximum bribe for that month shall be hanged from the nearest lamppost. So if you are corrupt, you only have to make sure that you take one rupee less than your colleagues.
4. All communities that ask for, shall be granted reservations on a first come first serve basis. But reservation status over the years shall be determined by the total tax paid by all the members of the community. If the tax numbers are below expectations, it means that reservations have not worked for them and the community shall be removed from the list and the status will pass on to the next in line.
5. The planet ‘Uranus’ shall be renamed to ‘Ureyes’ this will help in replacing disturbing images that flash by your mind by more pleasant ones whenever you are talking about this planet. Ok, this has nothing to do with our country but will help the whole of mankind in general.
Do you have any crazy thoughts yourself? If so, share them here and let’s see if you are as cuckoo as I am or if your wine glass is as large as mine…
1. Remove all traffic rules but give everyone a gun. This way all the aggressive drivers will eliminate each other over time and we will end up with docile, law abiding citizens. We can then bring back the traffic rules.
2. All water sharing disputes shall be handled by water rationing. Every individual will get water in proportion to his IQ. So in about two weeks, we would have got rid of all politicians after which the dispute will get automatically resolved.
3. Corruption should be permitted but the catch is that the person who has accumulated the maximum bribe for that month shall be hanged from the nearest lamppost. So if you are corrupt, you only have to make sure that you take one rupee less than your colleagues.
4. All communities that ask for, shall be granted reservations on a first come first serve basis. But reservation status over the years shall be determined by the total tax paid by all the members of the community. If the tax numbers are below expectations, it means that reservations have not worked for them and the community shall be removed from the list and the status will pass on to the next in line.
5. The planet ‘Uranus’ shall be renamed to ‘Ureyes’ this will help in replacing disturbing images that flash by your mind by more pleasant ones whenever you are talking about this planet. Ok, this has nothing to do with our country but will help the whole of mankind in general.
Do you have any crazy thoughts yourself? If so, share them here and let’s see if you are as cuckoo as I am or if your wine glass is as large as mine…
Monday, June 4, 2007
Update Post - Infrastructure Woes
There is a thin line between humour and prediction. A couple of months ago, I had uploaded a post titled 'Infratructure Woes'. Looks like someone else at CNN-IBN thought on similar lines.
Check this out http://in.news.yahoo.com/070603/211/6gld6.html
For the record, it was me who first thought of this brain dead idea...where is my royalty cheque Mr.Sardesai !!
Check this out http://in.news.yahoo.com/070603/211/6gld6.html
For the record, it was me who first thought of this brain dead idea...where is my royalty cheque Mr.Sardesai !!
Friday, June 1, 2007
Maya
Everyone has a story, stories that intersect those of someone else at different points of time. How many of our stories have triggered completely new ones for so many others?. The stories happen all the time and will continue to do so long after we are gone.
We have always strived to understand this, not the stories themselves but why they have so many ramifications on so many people. The explanations are beyond science and into the realms of philosophy.
In India, one of the oft quoted philosophies is Maya. The world is thought to be an illusion. I am uncomfortable with this thinking. There are so many things happening all the time and yet people philosophize that it’s all an illusion. So is the Hiroshima bombing or the holocaust or the carnage that followed the partition an illusion ?. Yes say the proponents, it is but God’s will. Once you bring God into the picture any objective discussion of Maya ends since you can pretty much attribute any nonsense to God and end all questioning.
The concept of Maya is very interesting and I have come to appreciate it by looking at it differently.
Everything seems real, is real and is life for each one of us. It is the truth called ‘Maya’. Maya is the emergent behavior of the world where each of the components is too trivial to make a difference by itself but when they come together create a complex, ever changing, ever dynamic system that beats all efforts to understand it. This is when the behavior of the system far extends beyond just the sum of behaviors of the participants and no individual can have any control over it. This system of constant churning of life is what we know as Samsara.
Believing that Maya is about illusion and nothing is real is a mistake and is actually an over simplification of Maya. Yes, it is about illusion, an illusion that one person is bigger than the system, an illusion that one individual has control over Samsara. But it is also about reality. For me, Maya denies nothing, the pains are real, the pleasures are real, the senses are real and the events are real. The Samsara is real and so is our bondage to it.
Each of us affects the Samsara by our actions and thereby influencing the outcome of events in subtle ways. We can only control our behavior but not that of the Samsara. The melting pot of chaos and order brought about by actions of each one of us, our karma, is what defines Maya – the effects of karma on Samsara.
It is impossible for anyone to conquer Maya. People have tried and have failed. From God incarnates to spiritual leaders, from political giants to tyrant dictators have all tried to promulgate a homogeneous way of thought and action and have failed. The attempts will endure and the failures will continue.
Maya is the illusion of reality
We have always strived to understand this, not the stories themselves but why they have so many ramifications on so many people. The explanations are beyond science and into the realms of philosophy.
In India, one of the oft quoted philosophies is Maya. The world is thought to be an illusion. I am uncomfortable with this thinking. There are so many things happening all the time and yet people philosophize that it’s all an illusion. So is the Hiroshima bombing or the holocaust or the carnage that followed the partition an illusion ?. Yes say the proponents, it is but God’s will. Once you bring God into the picture any objective discussion of Maya ends since you can pretty much attribute any nonsense to God and end all questioning.
The concept of Maya is very interesting and I have come to appreciate it by looking at it differently.
Everything seems real, is real and is life for each one of us. It is the truth called ‘Maya’. Maya is the emergent behavior of the world where each of the components is too trivial to make a difference by itself but when they come together create a complex, ever changing, ever dynamic system that beats all efforts to understand it. This is when the behavior of the system far extends beyond just the sum of behaviors of the participants and no individual can have any control over it. This system of constant churning of life is what we know as Samsara.
Believing that Maya is about illusion and nothing is real is a mistake and is actually an over simplification of Maya. Yes, it is about illusion, an illusion that one person is bigger than the system, an illusion that one individual has control over Samsara. But it is also about reality. For me, Maya denies nothing, the pains are real, the pleasures are real, the senses are real and the events are real. The Samsara is real and so is our bondage to it.
Each of us affects the Samsara by our actions and thereby influencing the outcome of events in subtle ways. We can only control our behavior but not that of the Samsara. The melting pot of chaos and order brought about by actions of each one of us, our karma, is what defines Maya – the effects of karma on Samsara.
It is impossible for anyone to conquer Maya. People have tried and have failed. From God incarnates to spiritual leaders, from political giants to tyrant dictators have all tried to promulgate a homogeneous way of thought and action and have failed. The attempts will endure and the failures will continue.
Maya is the illusion of reality
Wednesday, May 16, 2007
Uncomfortable moments
Uncomfortable Moment 1
It so often happens in the workplace when you see this other colleague walking your way, both of you know each other but not enough to stop and have a conversation. That leaves just a smile and a ‘hi’. But the important part is the timing of when you do that. If you have eye contact too early when the other person is still a distance away, then you will be forced to say ‘hi’ much earlier and then keep smiling on and off till you both pass each other, an awkward situation for both. So we normally pretend that we haven’t seen the other person and continue to walk towards each other, developing an interest in the paint on the walls or a new found fascination for the shape of the tiles on the floor and then when we are close enough, acknowledge each other and get done with the mandatory smiles.
Uncomfortable Moment 2
How many times have you spoken to someone but for the life of you cannot recall the person’s name. But by then you have spoken long enough and you have passed the moment where you can ask their name. So it would continue when you meet the person again, since you did not ask the first time, it would be too embarrassing to ask for their name now. In my case, I would meet this one person on the bus whose name I could never remember. Once I asked him for his email address, hoping that it would have his name and not some weird id like voodooprince@yahoo. It worked, the id did have his name that I promptly forgot soon after. I met him again on the bus a few months down the line, now I could not use the email id trick, so this time I asked him for his visiting card, it worked again but I soon lost the card (seriously how many visiting cards have you retained) and forgot his name yet again. I don’t know what I would do if I bump into him the next time (one can ask for visiting cards and email addresses only so many times without sounding creepy)
Uncomfortable Moment 3
This is another incident on the bus where I saw this young lady boarding the bus and as all the seats were taken, she remained standing. I was seated and on seeing this women, I was in a dilemma of whether to give up my seat for her or not (hold your thoughts, it had nothing do with trying to get attention alright). See, this lady had a slight paunch and the problem was that I was not sure whether she was pregnant or she was merely skipping her gym classes. If I did give up my seat and the lady was not pregnant, she would feel pretty bad and I could end up feeling stupid (it’s not like I gave up my seat to a senior citizen). So considering the pros and cons, I decided to remain seated and hoped I was right. Well, a few months down the line, I saw this woman again and it was apparent she was indeed pregnant. I still feel bad about not having given up my seat that day.
So much for those uncomfortable moments we all encounter. Do you have any?. By the way, come to think of it, voodooprince is a great mail id to have.
It so often happens in the workplace when you see this other colleague walking your way, both of you know each other but not enough to stop and have a conversation. That leaves just a smile and a ‘hi’. But the important part is the timing of when you do that. If you have eye contact too early when the other person is still a distance away, then you will be forced to say ‘hi’ much earlier and then keep smiling on and off till you both pass each other, an awkward situation for both. So we normally pretend that we haven’t seen the other person and continue to walk towards each other, developing an interest in the paint on the walls or a new found fascination for the shape of the tiles on the floor and then when we are close enough, acknowledge each other and get done with the mandatory smiles.
Uncomfortable Moment 2
How many times have you spoken to someone but for the life of you cannot recall the person’s name. But by then you have spoken long enough and you have passed the moment where you can ask their name. So it would continue when you meet the person again, since you did not ask the first time, it would be too embarrassing to ask for their name now. In my case, I would meet this one person on the bus whose name I could never remember. Once I asked him for his email address, hoping that it would have his name and not some weird id like voodooprince@yahoo. It worked, the id did have his name that I promptly forgot soon after. I met him again on the bus a few months down the line, now I could not use the email id trick, so this time I asked him for his visiting card, it worked again but I soon lost the card (seriously how many visiting cards have you retained) and forgot his name yet again. I don’t know what I would do if I bump into him the next time (one can ask for visiting cards and email addresses only so many times without sounding creepy)
Uncomfortable Moment 3
This is another incident on the bus where I saw this young lady boarding the bus and as all the seats were taken, she remained standing. I was seated and on seeing this women, I was in a dilemma of whether to give up my seat for her or not (hold your thoughts, it had nothing do with trying to get attention alright). See, this lady had a slight paunch and the problem was that I was not sure whether she was pregnant or she was merely skipping her gym classes. If I did give up my seat and the lady was not pregnant, she would feel pretty bad and I could end up feeling stupid (it’s not like I gave up my seat to a senior citizen). So considering the pros and cons, I decided to remain seated and hoped I was right. Well, a few months down the line, I saw this woman again and it was apparent she was indeed pregnant. I still feel bad about not having given up my seat that day.
So much for those uncomfortable moments we all encounter. Do you have any?. By the way, come to think of it, voodooprince is a great mail id to have.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Remembering Ramanujan
“An equation to me is meaningless unless it expresses a thought of God” – Srinivasa Ramanujan (Dec 22 1887 – April 26 1920 )
A man whose leaps of inspiration enriched the domain of number theory so much so that research into his works are still in progress. Only as recently as February, a group of mathematicians announced that they have finally solved the mystery of the mock theta functions that Ramanujan wrote about, just two months before his demise (http://www.news.wisc.edu/13497.html).
It has been almost a hundred years now since he parted ways with the world and we are yet to see a genius of his caliber in mathematics from India. We do keep reading about precocious kids who can add and multiply numbers really fast and somehow this gets portrayed as mathematics. These gifted people however extraordinary they may seem make no more mathematicians as knowing the names of planes makes one a pilot.
It is a pity that we have not been able to produce another genius of his kind in all these years. We may have not uncovered many Ramanujans who have faded into obscurity and mediocrity due to lack of encouragement and focus.
The current education system does not offer this luxury. We almost lost Ramanujan to the rigidity of the system.
Ramanujan was never able to pass his higher education simply because the system refused to take cognizance of his genius in mathematics and insisted that he pass every subject in his course. It was only persistence on his part and that of his friends, most notably Professor Hardy that he was able to achieve what he did in his brief lifetime.
The gift of mathematics is a rare one indeed and it would be a shame if we let these prodigies go undetected or force fitted to be compliant with the crowd around them. Because when it comes to mathematics, there are only two kinds of people…those who know maths and those who don’t. And we simply cannot afford to lose those who know….
This post is in memory of the genius that was Ramanujan.
Post Script: If you would like to know more, I strongly recommend the book ‘The man who knew infinity’ by Robert Kanigel. It is one of the best biographies I have read. Kanigel has handled some of the sensibilities and the problems unique to the Indian psyche extremely well without being judgmental about them.
A man whose leaps of inspiration enriched the domain of number theory so much so that research into his works are still in progress. Only as recently as February, a group of mathematicians announced that they have finally solved the mystery of the mock theta functions that Ramanujan wrote about, just two months before his demise (http://www.news.wisc.edu/13497.html).
It has been almost a hundred years now since he parted ways with the world and we are yet to see a genius of his caliber in mathematics from India. We do keep reading about precocious kids who can add and multiply numbers really fast and somehow this gets portrayed as mathematics. These gifted people however extraordinary they may seem make no more mathematicians as knowing the names of planes makes one a pilot.
It is a pity that we have not been able to produce another genius of his kind in all these years. We may have not uncovered many Ramanujans who have faded into obscurity and mediocrity due to lack of encouragement and focus.
The current education system does not offer this luxury. We almost lost Ramanujan to the rigidity of the system.
Ramanujan was never able to pass his higher education simply because the system refused to take cognizance of his genius in mathematics and insisted that he pass every subject in his course. It was only persistence on his part and that of his friends, most notably Professor Hardy that he was able to achieve what he did in his brief lifetime.
The gift of mathematics is a rare one indeed and it would be a shame if we let these prodigies go undetected or force fitted to be compliant with the crowd around them. Because when it comes to mathematics, there are only two kinds of people…those who know maths and those who don’t. And we simply cannot afford to lose those who know….
This post is in memory of the genius that was Ramanujan.
Post Script: If you would like to know more, I strongly recommend the book ‘The man who knew infinity’ by Robert Kanigel. It is one of the best biographies I have read. Kanigel has handled some of the sensibilities and the problems unique to the Indian psyche extremely well without being judgmental about them.
Tuesday, April 3, 2007
Me and the stock market
The first rule of the stock market is “There is no stock price so low that you cant buy some more before it gets even lower” - yeah, you can quote me on this.
This has been my mantra for stock market investments and it has not failed me ever. Today, I can claim to have discovered the fastest way to turn 100 bucks to 30 and it’s tax free !!!. Even a ring tailed lemur can invest better than I can.
I shall share some tips of investing that you can follow to automatically qualify for membership to my ‘Ring tailed lemurs may be smarter than us but at least we watch CNBC’ club.
But before investing in the stock market, you need to understand some basics of how the market works. Basically, the market is a vast right wing conspiracy that works exclusively to spite you. Secondly, the market does not care how intelligent you are but if you are consistently loosing money, then in all probability, you are a moron.
Now that we have our basics out of the way, let’s get to the actual investment strategies. The idea is that you narrow down on some select stocks that you would want to invest in and then finally choose one. There are a couple of approaches to do this.
The first approach is to discuss stocks with your friends. Keep track of how many jargons your friends use and the one who uses the most should be considered the wisest and his or her advice should be followed without question. I have listed some useful jargons and how to interpret them, for your convenience
‘PE Ratio’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Book Value’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Sensex’ – ‘Who the hell is sen and why do I care about his personal life ? ’
Another approach is to listen to a set of people known as ‘investment advisers’. Investment advisers combine years of experience with naturally occurring stupidity and come up with advice that ring tailed lemurs are extremely wary of.
Having chosen either of these approaches, by now you should have narrowed down on a set of stocks. To pick one, there are various scientific methods to go by. You could use complicated chart analysis techniques or thorough reading of the company’s balance sheets. But the most successful method involves a coin.
Once you pick the stock (you should use the coin multiple times to verify that your choice is indeed correct), invest as much money as you can afford. However it is strongly advised that you keep some money aside for purposes that will become clear as you read on.
After you have put in the money comes the most important part of investing which really is a test of your character. Markets always reward patience. So you patiently wait and wait and wait till....the next market crash. And then rush like mad and sell everything you have bought.
It is natural that you will be pretty depressed about all the money you lost but remember we, wisely, did set some money aside earlier to handle this very situation. Now, you take that money and head to the nearest bar.
That’s about all there is to the stock market. In short, it’s the most expensive way to get sloshed….
So liked my advice? Welcome to the club...hey, it is happy hours at the pub down the street…
This has been my mantra for stock market investments and it has not failed me ever. Today, I can claim to have discovered the fastest way to turn 100 bucks to 30 and it’s tax free !!!. Even a ring tailed lemur can invest better than I can.
I shall share some tips of investing that you can follow to automatically qualify for membership to my ‘Ring tailed lemurs may be smarter than us but at least we watch CNBC’ club.
But before investing in the stock market, you need to understand some basics of how the market works. Basically, the market is a vast right wing conspiracy that works exclusively to spite you. Secondly, the market does not care how intelligent you are but if you are consistently loosing money, then in all probability, you are a moron.
Now that we have our basics out of the way, let’s get to the actual investment strategies. The idea is that you narrow down on some select stocks that you would want to invest in and then finally choose one. There are a couple of approaches to do this.
The first approach is to discuss stocks with your friends. Keep track of how many jargons your friends use and the one who uses the most should be considered the wisest and his or her advice should be followed without question. I have listed some useful jargons and how to interpret them, for your convenience
‘PE Ratio’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Book Value’ – ‘Huh ?’
‘Sensex’ – ‘Who the hell is sen and why do I care about his personal life ? ’
Another approach is to listen to a set of people known as ‘investment advisers’. Investment advisers combine years of experience with naturally occurring stupidity and come up with advice that ring tailed lemurs are extremely wary of.
Having chosen either of these approaches, by now you should have narrowed down on a set of stocks. To pick one, there are various scientific methods to go by. You could use complicated chart analysis techniques or thorough reading of the company’s balance sheets. But the most successful method involves a coin.
Once you pick the stock (you should use the coin multiple times to verify that your choice is indeed correct), invest as much money as you can afford. However it is strongly advised that you keep some money aside for purposes that will become clear as you read on.
After you have put in the money comes the most important part of investing which really is a test of your character. Markets always reward patience. So you patiently wait and wait and wait till....the next market crash. And then rush like mad and sell everything you have bought.
It is natural that you will be pretty depressed about all the money you lost but remember we, wisely, did set some money aside earlier to handle this very situation. Now, you take that money and head to the nearest bar.
That’s about all there is to the stock market. In short, it’s the most expensive way to get sloshed….
So liked my advice? Welcome to the club...hey, it is happy hours at the pub down the street…
Thursday, March 22, 2007
Infratructure Woes
Picture this, you are driving along on the flyover on Richmond circle and right there, bang in the middle of the stretch, without any warning you see…that’s right....Sunil Shetty doing the Macarena…ha ha, I am kidding of course, we all know Sunil Shetty can’t dance. Seriously, you would see a traffic signal.
A traffic signal on top of a flyover !!. Pardon my nitpicking but aren’t flyovers built to avoid traffic signals ?. This is a clear indication that we need to proactively address the issue of crumbling infrastructure in Bangalore. We must act immediately.
Now that we have decided to do something, we can feel good about ourselves and go back to our daily lives. No wait !!, this time we all have to chip in if we have any hope of preventing Sunil Shetty from dancing or improving the state of roads here.
Before beginning any activity, it is important to have what is called a 'plan', this is a document that would clearly list all the people who we can blame if we fail.
Once we have done that, the next step is to come up with an estimate. An estimate is a number that is arrived at after a detailed analysis of the existing problems. Analysis basically comes from two latin words 'anal' and 'lysis' where 'lysis' means 'Pulling a number from your'. This has been the time tested approach of coming up with a number as demonstrated by stock market analysts.
After a thorough analysis, we have arrived at a number – 35476. We now need to figure out what this number represents. For all we know, it might be the number of roads, the number of traffic signals or the number of products that Amitabh Bachhan currently endorses.
For the sake of clarity, we shall assume that it indicates the number of potholes and proceed to the execution of the plan.
As a first step, we shall demand vociferously that the name of the city be changed. This will not help the potholes, but will divert attention long enough for us to think of what we should do next. The new name should contain an extra alphabet that subtly alters the phonetic and shall buy us time while people are trying to learn how to pronounce it. I recommend the use of the letter ‘x’, it is the most under utilized alphabet in the English language and it will also feel a lot better in the company of the other ‘high achiever’ alphabets.
In the meantime, I have an excellent idea to handle the potholes. If we can’t get rid of them, we will try to get people to like them. This can be accomplished by naming every pothole in the city and thus giving it an identity. It is a scientifically proven fact that people will begin to like even the most expressionless, inanimate objects as long as it has a name. It can be any name like, say for example, John Abraham. People will thus gradually begin bonding with the potholes that are on their routes and any subsequent attempt to fix them will draw a protest from Arundhati Roy alleging human rights violation.
That then, dear friends, is my master plan for fixing Bangalore’s infrastructure. As for me, it is time to introduce the shock absorbers of my car to ‘Bunty’ on my way home…
A traffic signal on top of a flyover !!. Pardon my nitpicking but aren’t flyovers built to avoid traffic signals ?. This is a clear indication that we need to proactively address the issue of crumbling infrastructure in Bangalore. We must act immediately.
Now that we have decided to do something, we can feel good about ourselves and go back to our daily lives. No wait !!, this time we all have to chip in if we have any hope of preventing Sunil Shetty from dancing or improving the state of roads here.
Before beginning any activity, it is important to have what is called a 'plan', this is a document that would clearly list all the people who we can blame if we fail.
Once we have done that, the next step is to come up with an estimate. An estimate is a number that is arrived at after a detailed analysis of the existing problems. Analysis basically comes from two latin words 'anal' and 'lysis' where 'lysis' means 'Pulling a number from your'. This has been the time tested approach of coming up with a number as demonstrated by stock market analysts.
After a thorough analysis, we have arrived at a number – 35476. We now need to figure out what this number represents. For all we know, it might be the number of roads, the number of traffic signals or the number of products that Amitabh Bachhan currently endorses.
For the sake of clarity, we shall assume that it indicates the number of potholes and proceed to the execution of the plan.
As a first step, we shall demand vociferously that the name of the city be changed. This will not help the potholes, but will divert attention long enough for us to think of what we should do next. The new name should contain an extra alphabet that subtly alters the phonetic and shall buy us time while people are trying to learn how to pronounce it. I recommend the use of the letter ‘x’, it is the most under utilized alphabet in the English language and it will also feel a lot better in the company of the other ‘high achiever’ alphabets.
In the meantime, I have an excellent idea to handle the potholes. If we can’t get rid of them, we will try to get people to like them. This can be accomplished by naming every pothole in the city and thus giving it an identity. It is a scientifically proven fact that people will begin to like even the most expressionless, inanimate objects as long as it has a name. It can be any name like, say for example, John Abraham. People will thus gradually begin bonding with the potholes that are on their routes and any subsequent attempt to fix them will draw a protest from Arundhati Roy alleging human rights violation.
That then, dear friends, is my master plan for fixing Bangalore’s infrastructure. As for me, it is time to introduce the shock absorbers of my car to ‘Bunty’ on my way home…
Monday, March 12, 2007
The joy of bird watching
My latest hobby is bird watching. Did you know that crows and parrots are not the only birds around ?. Yeah I know, I was astounded as well. Apparently, there are many more species. So apart from crows and parrots, I can now identify blue birds (“Hey look, blue bird !!”), green birds (“Wow, green bird !!”) and ostriches. Though there are not many ostriches near where I stay, I am sure if one of them strays in from Africa, I will be able to recognize it (“Hey look, Mallika Sherawat !!, Oh wait, those are ostrich legs”)
I am sure you are just as amazed as I am by this incredible knowledge that I seem to have amassed on birds. All thanks to this field guide I bought a few weeks ago. The only problem is that the damn birds never appear in the order that they are illustrated in the book. And there always seems to be some subtle difference between what’s illustrated and the bird that I am looking at like a white spot near the tail that’s not there in the book. For all I know, the bird might have sat on a piece of chalk and here am really excited that it’s a new species and will probably be named after me or my pen name ( 'newbirdus apremeyas' ) but no such luck so far.
So during the weekend, I go around with a pair of binoculars around my neck looking intently at the bird on the wire only to realize that it’s a crow (“Hey look, black bird”) and also realize that there are a bunch of people looking intently at me wondering what kind of a dork looks at a crow with binoculars. “I am trying to find out if it’s a male or a female”, I say trying to avoid the embarrassment. They laugh. Next time, I am going to use the binoculars on them.
The basic idea of bird identification is that when you spot a bird, you rapidly go through every page of your field guide and try to match the bird with every picture in the book and the moment you get a match, you have the bird. I understand this is not the most efficient method and it can get frustrating and hence it is important to buy at least fifteen field guides, I am already on my fourth. It is not easy and at least on two occasions, I matched women in saris to peacocks, not to mention the risk of looking at them through my binoculars.
No folks, bird watching has its risks and it is not for the faint hearted. But when done right, which I am working on, it can be a really fulfilling experience. Oh there, at last I think I see a peacock, where are my binoculars….
I am sure you are just as amazed as I am by this incredible knowledge that I seem to have amassed on birds. All thanks to this field guide I bought a few weeks ago. The only problem is that the damn birds never appear in the order that they are illustrated in the book. And there always seems to be some subtle difference between what’s illustrated and the bird that I am looking at like a white spot near the tail that’s not there in the book. For all I know, the bird might have sat on a piece of chalk and here am really excited that it’s a new species and will probably be named after me or my pen name ( 'newbirdus apremeyas' ) but no such luck so far.
So during the weekend, I go around with a pair of binoculars around my neck looking intently at the bird on the wire only to realize that it’s a crow (“Hey look, black bird”) and also realize that there are a bunch of people looking intently at me wondering what kind of a dork looks at a crow with binoculars. “I am trying to find out if it’s a male or a female”, I say trying to avoid the embarrassment. They laugh. Next time, I am going to use the binoculars on them.
The basic idea of bird identification is that when you spot a bird, you rapidly go through every page of your field guide and try to match the bird with every picture in the book and the moment you get a match, you have the bird. I understand this is not the most efficient method and it can get frustrating and hence it is important to buy at least fifteen field guides, I am already on my fourth. It is not easy and at least on two occasions, I matched women in saris to peacocks, not to mention the risk of looking at them through my binoculars.
No folks, bird watching has its risks and it is not for the faint hearted. But when done right, which I am working on, it can be a really fulfilling experience. Oh there, at last I think I see a peacock, where are my binoculars….
Monday, March 5, 2007
Cinema , the great entertainer
A few weeks ago, I was unfortunate enough to watch another
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.
The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.
The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.
Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)
To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.
Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.
The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)
Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.
At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.
This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).
Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.
We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.
Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.
"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).
But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.
So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...
braindead movie (or as Jack Nicholson would say "Is there
another kind ?" ). The almost empty theatre should have been
my first clue but I braved through hoping that this was a
niche movie appealing to those with refined tastes or as I
came to realize later..to those with IQ levels of a mop.
The movie was so bad that three people died in the theatre
and the fourth one started eating the seat cushion. That's
when I decided if anybody can make a movie why can't I ?.
Obviously, talent was not a criteria and that would make me
perfect for the job since I had none anyway.
The first step to making a movie is to get yourself a good
script, find a good writer, work and rework on the script and
then finally when it is ready.....throw it away. Because, you
see, nobody cares about the script. Once you have done that,
you are officially into the movie making club.
Next comes finalizing the cast. The heroine of the movie can
be anybody who is willing to kiss Emran Hashmi (this would
probably cost more but we will deduct it from Emran's paycheck)
To play it safe, we shall stick to the time tested plot of
good guy vs bad guy.
Our hero (apparently he has a learning disability as seen
by the fact that he is still in college though he looks like
he is eligible for senior citizen's discount) falls head over
heels for the heroine(it can happen since he moves around
without a walking stick). The heroine having just attained
the right to vote is all excited to cast her ballot in the
next elections but until that time decides to romance our hero.
The action begins when the village bad guy casts his evil eyes
on our leading lady and decides to carry her away to a fort
nearby and locks the gates to prevent anybody from entering or
leaving (it can be assumed that the fort is self sufficient with
enough water and food for our heroine, the villain, his cronies
and of course the shooting crew)
Now our hero has to scale a 30 foot wall without any help.
This is our chance to add some breath taking stunts. Our hero
does a triple somersault in the reverse and defying gravity,
leaps clear over the wall and lands on the other side.
At this point, you the discerning reader, have a question
"The hero jumps across a 30 foot wall !!!!!!. How does he even.....
know that he won't land on a thorny bush?". Ok, first of all,
stop using so many exclamation marks when you ask a question and
secondly, he does not land on a thorny bush because it is not
there in the script and as you discerning readers would have
realized, WE write the script. We can make the hero land on
whatever we want him to but to keep your logical instincts
satiated, we shall make him land on something that will soften
his fall like a bed of grass or a layer of pillows or,
if he is available, Adnan Sami.
This is the right moment, where we shall have an item number
depicting at least 16 kisses with Emran Hashmi. Item numbers
can be inserted anywhere in a movie but mostly during the times
when the audience is very likely to require a bathroom break.
The item number would feature either Mallika Sherawat or if she
is not willing, Shah Rukh Khan (in which case, we would probably
have to refund the money we deducted from Emran in the fourth
paragraph).
Once the song is done, our hero now begins the climactic fight
against the villain using nothing else but a bucket he finds
lying in a corner. We can have Gulshan Grover playing the villain
and Bobby Deol playing the bucket.
We can even contemplate the hero taking his shirt off after the
fight but seriously it is a little too late to introduce
Sourav Ganguly at this point so we will let the shirt be.
Finally the hero prevails and lives happily ever after with
the heroine.
"Will people even watch such nonsense?", you ask and this time
making sure that you leave out unnecessary exclamation marks.
Well honestly, no. As usual, this movie will probably not be
allowed to be released in Gujarat and it may attract a maximum
of 14 people to the theatres in the rest of the country
(who, by the way, should be tracked down and not be allowed
to breed).
But rest assured my friends, it is not the people here we are
targeting. For us, the intended audience is the NRI community.
It is a fact (as proven by Karan Johar) that the NRIs can watch
absolute rubbish as long as it is overloaded with emotions.
So if you are willing to produce this movie, I can assure you
that your investment is in safe hands.
Now if you will excuse me, I have a seat cushion to finish eating...
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